Wow, December 31, 2010. The end of another year and what a year it's been!
If I tried to list everything, good and bad, that's happened it would be far too long and I'd miss things anyway. But here's just a taste of how the ride's been:
- broken up with boyfriend of almost three years
- graduated LFCC with two degrees, one in general education and one in education
- started GMU and finished my first semester
- my best friend Noelle moved in with me
- my other best friend Anne moved away to Seattle
And many other things I either don't want to share or can't share - too private in any case.
Looking back on the year - I WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE FUCK IT WENT.
I lost it! It's gone and it doesn't feel like it should be over. What the hell?
Do I regret stuff? Of course I do, but I don't regret the time going by. I think a lot of good stuff happened this year, as well as a lot of bad stuff. I'm not sure if it managed to balance it all out in the end, but hopefully next year will be able to make some reparations.
Any New Years' resolutions? Heck no! For one thing, I never keep them. I guess the only thing you could say I'm resolved to do is survive. Keep going, try to keep my head above water and make it through another year without becoming too much of a horrible being.
Blah, blah, blah....
No, this is not that godforsaken Ke$ha song. And you know how long it took me to figure out how to pronounce her name? I won't even go there.
No, instead this is just my random musings since I'm pretty bored and have no motivation to do anything productive whatsoever. This doesn't count, since it in no way furthers my ambitions to rule the world and then delegate pretty much everything anyway. Which is why I don't really plan on taking over the world - in reality, it'd be way too much responsibility and far too much effort for not a great amount of results.
Finished up my first semester at GMU with an A- and three Bs. Considering how stressed out I've been all freakin' semester, I'm inordinately pleased with those grades. I want to get As all next semester, as a matter of personal ethical pride, but I'm happy with these. I told my dad that if he wanted to motivate me to finish my degree instead of dropping out after this spring, he could start saving up for a trip to take me to California. NOT the beach! I want to see the redwood forests before they die off. They're already starting to, all the smog from LA and the surrounding cities gets caught in the atmosphere sink above the forests and kills the trees from all the chemicals. That's something I learned last spring in my biology class and I still remember almost everything I learned. Best biology class ever.
Wow, tangent alert!
Roleplay. It's a dirty word to most people who I know. To them, it means those scary people who get obsessed over internet identities - or worse, those people who dress up as their characters and actually act it out. Other than Broadway, I think it's called LARPing or something. I know nothing of it, other than what I've heard on the rumor mill. I roleplay (RP) with some friends over the internet - one has been going on for about three years now, actually, on and off as dictated by schoolwork and family.
Why do I like it? Well, for once, I'm a writer and I like RPing because it keeps my mind active and in practice. RPing with other people gives me new ideas and helps me develop better characters in response to another person's actions, rather than just me dictating everything. Plus, it's just fun to take out your moods on a character, making up the most ridiculous situations with no one to criticize, as we just do it for the fun of it.
I do know some people who are very serious about it and they scare me.
No, instead this is just my random musings since I'm pretty bored and have no motivation to do anything productive whatsoever. This doesn't count, since it in no way furthers my ambitions to rule the world and then delegate pretty much everything anyway. Which is why I don't really plan on taking over the world - in reality, it'd be way too much responsibility and far too much effort for not a great amount of results.
Finished up my first semester at GMU with an A- and three Bs. Considering how stressed out I've been all freakin' semester, I'm inordinately pleased with those grades. I want to get As all next semester, as a matter of personal ethical pride, but I'm happy with these. I told my dad that if he wanted to motivate me to finish my degree instead of dropping out after this spring, he could start saving up for a trip to take me to California. NOT the beach! I want to see the redwood forests before they die off. They're already starting to, all the smog from LA and the surrounding cities gets caught in the atmosphere sink above the forests and kills the trees from all the chemicals. That's something I learned last spring in my biology class and I still remember almost everything I learned. Best biology class ever.
Wow, tangent alert!
Roleplay. It's a dirty word to most people who I know. To them, it means those scary people who get obsessed over internet identities - or worse, those people who dress up as their characters and actually act it out. Other than Broadway, I think it's called LARPing or something. I know nothing of it, other than what I've heard on the rumor mill. I roleplay (RP) with some friends over the internet - one has been going on for about three years now, actually, on and off as dictated by schoolwork and family.
Why do I like it? Well, for once, I'm a writer and I like RPing because it keeps my mind active and in practice. RPing with other people gives me new ideas and helps me develop better characters in response to another person's actions, rather than just me dictating everything. Plus, it's just fun to take out your moods on a character, making up the most ridiculous situations with no one to criticize, as we just do it for the fun of it.
I do know some people who are very serious about it and they scare me.
Zamilovat se do Sebe
I'm in a bit of a musing mood tonight. Could be because I'm overtired, or it could be from the confusion in my own heart lately.
What is love?
It's an age-old question and I think everyone will have a different answer.
For me, it's simply loving me for me. Hah - I said 'simply' in correlation with 'love'! I think that might be the hardest thing to do, and yet, there are people who do exactly that. They accept me for me, all my flaws, insecurities and strangeness wrapped in one package. It may not be romantic love, but it's assuredly far more fulfilling than any kind of shallow love I've experienced up to now.
There are so many different kinds of love. Unselfish, selfish, one-sided, obsessive, shallow, romantic, platonic, filial, friends...the list could go on and I don't think I could name all of them. Note how I didn't include 'lust' in there, although I know quite a few people who say that's a form of love. No, it isn't. Lust and love are two different things, no matter what kind of love you're talking about.
How do you know when you're in love with someone? I wish I knew. I thought I was once and maybe I was. But in return for that trust, I got my heart ripped out and stomped on and even now I'm not sure if I can trust someone that much again. I want to, I'd like to - but I haven't met anyone I can. Maybe someone who was there for me before and is still here for me. But how do I know? It could just be transference or dependence, a desperate need for someone to be there for me unconditionally. I don't want that, that isn't fair. It could be a crush, or just reading far too much into an affection that's always been between us.
I want to believe it's love. I do. I even think, deep down, it might be. I feel different, even a new sort of feeling I never had with the other 'love'. It's new and confusing and vaguely frightening - did I mention I have control issues? It's scary, feeling something and not knowing why I am or what's causing it. I try not to fantasize, to build castles in the air.
Words of an eternal pessimist. I'd rather be constantly surprised than disappointed and it's a motto that's actually held me in good stead all these years. The only times I get excited over something, get my hopes up and put my heart into it, my life crumbles in front of me and I have nothing to pick up the pieces. So I'm scared, because I'm really excited about this. I'm feeling new and strange and happy - a word that hasn't been used to describe me in quite some time.
Am I setting myself up again? It almost feels like it. I want it so badly. Even if it isn't love, isn't meant to be - I don't want to be destroyed again. I'd rather just find out right quick and go back to usual, not invest myself and look forward to something and love something just to be abandoned again.
I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to run away, to just stop it now and pretend nothing ever happened. To not open myself up for another world of hurt and pain and loneliness that I feel will follow. And another part of me tells me that it's something new, something inherently right for me.
And I think that scares me even more.
What is love?
It's an age-old question and I think everyone will have a different answer.
For me, it's simply loving me for me. Hah - I said 'simply' in correlation with 'love'! I think that might be the hardest thing to do, and yet, there are people who do exactly that. They accept me for me, all my flaws, insecurities and strangeness wrapped in one package. It may not be romantic love, but it's assuredly far more fulfilling than any kind of shallow love I've experienced up to now.
There are so many different kinds of love. Unselfish, selfish, one-sided, obsessive, shallow, romantic, platonic, filial, friends...the list could go on and I don't think I could name all of them. Note how I didn't include 'lust' in there, although I know quite a few people who say that's a form of love. No, it isn't. Lust and love are two different things, no matter what kind of love you're talking about.
How do you know when you're in love with someone? I wish I knew. I thought I was once and maybe I was. But in return for that trust, I got my heart ripped out and stomped on and even now I'm not sure if I can trust someone that much again. I want to, I'd like to - but I haven't met anyone I can. Maybe someone who was there for me before and is still here for me. But how do I know? It could just be transference or dependence, a desperate need for someone to be there for me unconditionally. I don't want that, that isn't fair. It could be a crush, or just reading far too much into an affection that's always been between us.
I want to believe it's love. I do. I even think, deep down, it might be. I feel different, even a new sort of feeling I never had with the other 'love'. It's new and confusing and vaguely frightening - did I mention I have control issues? It's scary, feeling something and not knowing why I am or what's causing it. I try not to fantasize, to build castles in the air.
Words of an eternal pessimist. I'd rather be constantly surprised than disappointed and it's a motto that's actually held me in good stead all these years. The only times I get excited over something, get my hopes up and put my heart into it, my life crumbles in front of me and I have nothing to pick up the pieces. So I'm scared, because I'm really excited about this. I'm feeling new and strange and happy - a word that hasn't been used to describe me in quite some time.
Am I setting myself up again? It almost feels like it. I want it so badly. Even if it isn't love, isn't meant to be - I don't want to be destroyed again. I'd rather just find out right quick and go back to usual, not invest myself and look forward to something and love something just to be abandoned again.
I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to run away, to just stop it now and pretend nothing ever happened. To not open myself up for another world of hurt and pain and loneliness that I feel will follow. And another part of me tells me that it's something new, something inherently right for me.
And I think that scares me even more.
Drahoušek
Yes, she lives! Uzume rises from the ashes like the proverbial phoenix.
Wow. So much has happened to me since the last time I posted. I conquered midterms for GMU, as well as crushing depression that had me seriously considering just ending it - oh, screw putting it nicely. I was thinking about suicide, eating a lot of pills and just not waking up again.
Luckily, I had my friends and my dad to pull me from that abyss. It still lingers in the back of my mind, but not as a serious thought. More like an echo of the despair that's still deep inside me. It's not something I can just erase with one shot, but I am able to ignore the call of the easy way out.
I also think I might have found someone whom I can count on. I don't want to go into detail, just because it's something I don't want to jinx. It's someone I've known for over four years and there's always been something between us. He's always been there for me and a good friend. I recently got to talk to him over the phone, something we do frequently now, and I enjoy it. I'm confused, but it's in a good way. I've never felt quite like I am now and my friends tell me I'm acting "more like you". I didn't know I wasn't acting like me! But apparently I am now, I'm happier and just "more me" is all I can get out of them. They say it's hard to explain.
One of my two best friends is moving before Christmas to Seattle to live with her uncle and his family. I'm really sad about that, I'll miss her. But at the same time, I know it's something that's important for her and will help her, so I'm happy about it. And we can talk, Skype, and text, so at least I'll be able to contact her!
Finals are around the corner and another semester will be conquered. My friend is visiting from Florida in January over my break and I'm so excited about it! It's definitely something to look forward to with all this studying in my near future.
Well, I wish everyone luck for the holiday season, in case I don't post again for a while!
Wow. So much has happened to me since the last time I posted. I conquered midterms for GMU, as well as crushing depression that had me seriously considering just ending it - oh, screw putting it nicely. I was thinking about suicide, eating a lot of pills and just not waking up again.
Luckily, I had my friends and my dad to pull me from that abyss. It still lingers in the back of my mind, but not as a serious thought. More like an echo of the despair that's still deep inside me. It's not something I can just erase with one shot, but I am able to ignore the call of the easy way out.
I also think I might have found someone whom I can count on. I don't want to go into detail, just because it's something I don't want to jinx. It's someone I've known for over four years and there's always been something between us. He's always been there for me and a good friend. I recently got to talk to him over the phone, something we do frequently now, and I enjoy it. I'm confused, but it's in a good way. I've never felt quite like I am now and my friends tell me I'm acting "more like you". I didn't know I wasn't acting like me! But apparently I am now, I'm happier and just "more me" is all I can get out of them. They say it's hard to explain.
One of my two best friends is moving before Christmas to Seattle to live with her uncle and his family. I'm really sad about that, I'll miss her. But at the same time, I know it's something that's important for her and will help her, so I'm happy about it. And we can talk, Skype, and text, so at least I'll be able to contact her!
Finals are around the corner and another semester will be conquered. My friend is visiting from Florida in January over my break and I'm so excited about it! It's definitely something to look forward to with all this studying in my near future.
Well, I wish everyone luck for the holiday season, in case I don't post again for a while!
The Illusion of Free Will
After a deep conversation / rant with my two best friends Anne and Noelle, I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as free will.
It came about when we were talking about how men have it easier - no periods, no hymen, no cravings, no hormones, no pregnancy, etc. My friend made a remark, something along the lines of, "Damn Eve and that apple!" To which I replied that God set them up for failure. Hey, he created man, set a big-ass tree in the middle of the Garden and then said, "Hey, don't touch this. It's awesome and great, but you can't have it." And if he's omnipotent, it stands to reason that he knew what was going to happen!
Unfair.
So, there is no such thing as free will. We're told that we're left to make our own decisions and God doesn't dictate our paths to us. But at the same time, God is supposed to know what's going to happen to us, right? How can he know what's going to happen to us - in advance - if there isn't already a path set for us? Just because we don't know what path we're set on doesn't mean that there isn't one. If someone knows what's going to happen in advance, just because we don't, doesn't mean there's a choice. There is an illusion of choice.
If you stick a rat in a maze and let it run where it will, you can't say that the rat has free will to go where it will. Lost and blind does not equal free will. Because we all know the rat is stuck. Again, just because the rat doesn't know where it's going doesn't mean it's choosing where it will end up.
Ergo, free will is an illusion. God knows what will happen to us, he can't claim that we have free will if our fate is already set in stone. Just because we don't know what's going to happen doesn't mean we're choosing. We're just going in blind and thinking we're having a choice, that we have free will and we are in control of our fate. But in reality, the simple fact is that we just don't know what's going on. There are no turns, we just think there are.
Blind and lost does not equal free will. It equals an illusion.
It came about when we were talking about how men have it easier - no periods, no hymen, no cravings, no hormones, no pregnancy, etc. My friend made a remark, something along the lines of, "Damn Eve and that apple!" To which I replied that God set them up for failure. Hey, he created man, set a big-ass tree in the middle of the Garden and then said, "Hey, don't touch this. It's awesome and great, but you can't have it." And if he's omnipotent, it stands to reason that he knew what was going to happen!
Unfair.
So, there is no such thing as free will. We're told that we're left to make our own decisions and God doesn't dictate our paths to us. But at the same time, God is supposed to know what's going to happen to us, right? How can he know what's going to happen to us - in advance - if there isn't already a path set for us? Just because we don't know what path we're set on doesn't mean that there isn't one. If someone knows what's going to happen in advance, just because we don't, doesn't mean there's a choice. There is an illusion of choice.
If you stick a rat in a maze and let it run where it will, you can't say that the rat has free will to go where it will. Lost and blind does not equal free will. Because we all know the rat is stuck. Again, just because the rat doesn't know where it's going doesn't mean it's choosing where it will end up.
Ergo, free will is an illusion. God knows what will happen to us, he can't claim that we have free will if our fate is already set in stone. Just because we don't know what's going to happen doesn't mean we're choosing. We're just going in blind and thinking we're having a choice, that we have free will and we are in control of our fate. But in reality, the simple fact is that we just don't know what's going on. There are no turns, we just think there are.
Blind and lost does not equal free will. It equals an illusion.
Věk
Whew, been a while since I last posted anything. So much going on and I have no idea where to start!
School first, nice and professional. I've got one midterm left, two down already. I was freaking out for a while, since it's the first midterms I've taken in months, but once I actually sat down and starting looking at them, I couldn't believe how easy they seemed. So, here's hoping I didn't just ail all my midterms and classes...
I got a new phone, the improved version of the Samsung Impression by AT&T. My last one got dropped into the toilet. After sitting in rice for three days, it came back to life for another two weeks before just dying on me one day. I've pretty much adapted to this new version, it's not too different and it gets better signal in my room.
Back to being single, although I went on a double-date last night to go see the new movie, RED. Morgan Freeman is God and Bruce Willis is Jesus, we decided....
Anyway, the last guy didn't work out. Way too stupid and immature, loads of drama and unnecessary stress and shit. So I cut him loose as soon as I realized it wasn't gonna work at all. I'm not ready to get into an official relationship for a long time, but I still want to date and have fun. I'm twenty-one, for god's sake! So, I hope things go smoothly and the drama all dies down from everything.
My other best friend, Noelle, moved in last night with us. She's set up in the rec room in the basement and we're sharing a bathroom and closet. It's pretty awesome, since we both get a whole new wardrobe, no shopping required. It's working out really well, we've already adapted so quick to having each other around that when one of us is gone overnight, the other one gets lonely! We both found it funny.
It's pretty bad. Even though I haven't posted in a while, there's still not much to say. I guess on one hand, that's a good thing. On the other hand, I could use some good excitement right around now...
School first, nice and professional. I've got one midterm left, two down already. I was freaking out for a while, since it's the first midterms I've taken in months, but once I actually sat down and starting looking at them, I couldn't believe how easy they seemed. So, here's hoping I didn't just ail all my midterms and classes...
I got a new phone, the improved version of the Samsung Impression by AT&T. My last one got dropped into the toilet. After sitting in rice for three days, it came back to life for another two weeks before just dying on me one day. I've pretty much adapted to this new version, it's not too different and it gets better signal in my room.
Back to being single, although I went on a double-date last night to go see the new movie, RED. Morgan Freeman is God and Bruce Willis is Jesus, we decided....
Anyway, the last guy didn't work out. Way too stupid and immature, loads of drama and unnecessary stress and shit. So I cut him loose as soon as I realized it wasn't gonna work at all. I'm not ready to get into an official relationship for a long time, but I still want to date and have fun. I'm twenty-one, for god's sake! So, I hope things go smoothly and the drama all dies down from everything.
My other best friend, Noelle, moved in last night with us. She's set up in the rec room in the basement and we're sharing a bathroom and closet. It's pretty awesome, since we both get a whole new wardrobe, no shopping required. It's working out really well, we've already adapted so quick to having each other around that when one of us is gone overnight, the other one gets lonely! We both found it funny.
It's pretty bad. Even though I haven't posted in a while, there's still not much to say. I guess on one hand, that's a good thing. On the other hand, I could use some good excitement right around now...
Myšlení
Been a while since I've posted anything.
Have been very busy with schoolwork, especially my English coursework. I knew an online class would have a lot of writing to do, as well as an English class - but my brain is starting to just shut down. And so I plod along, procrastinating and trying to force myself to get work done. So far I'm doing okay, let's hope I don't collapse during midterms. Thank god none of them are on the same day as another, so it's one at a time.
Let's see. I've also been going out with a new guy - Data is his actual name. We've known each other for almost a year now, but we just started to date about a month ago. My commitment issues are trying to rear their ugly head and almost find ways to make me run for it, but I'm having none of it. I just unload on my two best friends and get some help for it. Usually I'm the one to say, "go with your gut," but not in this case when I know it's just bad past experiences clouding my judgment and not instinct. He's really sweet and I can tell he cares about me. I just need to teach him that he doesn't have to take me out to places to show that - I just want respect, which he gives me.
Recently told a friend quite a lot of frankly unbelievable things about myself and the world in general. I hope she'll eventually believe me, after thinking it all over, but if she doesn't it's okay. It was more the fact I felt bad hiding things from her. If she decides it's all too much, then that's the last she'll ever hear of it. I just wanted things out in the open. And what's scary is she told me she knew I was hiding something from her - that only made me feel worse. So we'll see where it all goes, I'm just glad I was honest in the end no matter where it leads.
It's NFL jersey day at my old campus. I even borrowed a Giants jersey from said friend to wear today, so when I get into fights with Steelers and Cowboys fans they know why - and then realized I have a paper to finish and if I went I'd never get it done. So, no fights for me today. It's also raining, so I hope it isn't going to be really bad tonight. I don't mind driving in rain - it's the reflections and not being able to see the lines on the road that I hate.
All right, I've used this blog as an excuse to procrastinate enough. I'm getting back into my writing mood too, so hopefully this paper will be done soon and I can go eat.
Have been very busy with schoolwork, especially my English coursework. I knew an online class would have a lot of writing to do, as well as an English class - but my brain is starting to just shut down. And so I plod along, procrastinating and trying to force myself to get work done. So far I'm doing okay, let's hope I don't collapse during midterms. Thank god none of them are on the same day as another, so it's one at a time.
Let's see. I've also been going out with a new guy - Data is his actual name. We've known each other for almost a year now, but we just started to date about a month ago. My commitment issues are trying to rear their ugly head and almost find ways to make me run for it, but I'm having none of it. I just unload on my two best friends and get some help for it. Usually I'm the one to say, "go with your gut," but not in this case when I know it's just bad past experiences clouding my judgment and not instinct. He's really sweet and I can tell he cares about me. I just need to teach him that he doesn't have to take me out to places to show that - I just want respect, which he gives me.
Recently told a friend quite a lot of frankly unbelievable things about myself and the world in general. I hope she'll eventually believe me, after thinking it all over, but if she doesn't it's okay. It was more the fact I felt bad hiding things from her. If she decides it's all too much, then that's the last she'll ever hear of it. I just wanted things out in the open. And what's scary is she told me she knew I was hiding something from her - that only made me feel worse. So we'll see where it all goes, I'm just glad I was honest in the end no matter where it leads.
It's NFL jersey day at my old campus. I even borrowed a Giants jersey from said friend to wear today, so when I get into fights with Steelers and Cowboys fans they know why - and then realized I have a paper to finish and if I went I'd never get it done. So, no fights for me today. It's also raining, so I hope it isn't going to be really bad tonight. I don't mind driving in rain - it's the reflections and not being able to see the lines on the road that I hate.
All right, I've used this blog as an excuse to procrastinate enough. I'm getting back into my writing mood too, so hopefully this paper will be done soon and I can go eat.
Bojovat
She could feel his presence before he appeared beside her, wings folded neatly on his back. He preferred his wolf form when they met - it made their relationship less strained. Betrayal had brought them closer, distrust fading into the shadows cast by the light of discovery. The moon hung overhead, as it did every night, the sky crystal clear. The Harvest Spirit had been returned the night before, a messy business, and even the humans could feel the peace in the air.
She was tired. Breaking the Triangle of Solomon on the pup had been difficult, even with Loki's knowledge and power, and two major nights in a row were beginning to wear her down. The only positive thing she had gotten out of it was her wing returned. The Harvest Spirit had given her all the magic her body needed to regrow, as a way to repay Uzume for finding her. She flexed it experimentally and smiled - her exhaustion would be worse if her wing was gone as well.
"You shouldn't have wasted your energy on that damn dog," Fukurokuju grumbled, sitting down next to her on the grass. Her brother had taken her to his realm in an effort to get her more rest, the demon-were only able to find her through their bond.
"I had to break that thing, it was disgusting," she replied. "And his energy was almost completely sealed away."
"It was his own fault. I'm surprised Loki let you do it," he continued sourly. "Much less help you."
Uzume shrugged. She had been surprised as well by how easily her brother had agreed to help. Perhaps it was a soft spot for wolves, or it could be her own soft spot for that particular youkai. Whatever it was, she was glad with the end result. It would take the wolf youkai some time to readjust to his full energy - and get his tail back - but she was already surprised by the amount of energy he had. It had multiplied tenfold in just a few hours.
"You don't get a say in any of this," Loki remarked, appearing behind them. A displeased look was in his silver-blue eyes as he crouched behind his sister, running a palm possessively over her returned wing. Fukurokuju made an effort to return the glare only for a moment before giving up.
"I'm surprised you let the pup anywhere near her," the demon-were argued. The trickster god was forced to agree, a grumble in the back of his throat.
"Would you two stop it?" Uzume demanded, her tone lacking any real anger. "I have enough problems to deal with right now, wouldn't you agree?"
They fell silent at her reminder. The angel had betrayed them, bound her companions with the help of whichever infernal demon she had sold herself to. They had allies, at least, but it was worrisome that the dragon seemed to be on the angel's side despite their best efforts. There were too many things, including another hunter, for them to worry about. Only that day she had been forced to astral project while driving in her mortal body to protect her human - Loki had taken over her body and kept it from being killed in a wreck of metal and fire. Petty arguments was not needed.
"Just rest for a few days. You need your strength because I'm not driving again anytime soon," Loki remarked, stroking her wings a few more times before rising. "I'm going to see Sevens."
She nodded absently, relaxing under the caresses while he disappeared. The demon-were remained next to her, unhappily allowing her to siphon his strength for her own use.
It was as peaceful as they were ever going to get.
She was tired. Breaking the Triangle of Solomon on the pup had been difficult, even with Loki's knowledge and power, and two major nights in a row were beginning to wear her down. The only positive thing she had gotten out of it was her wing returned. The Harvest Spirit had given her all the magic her body needed to regrow, as a way to repay Uzume for finding her. She flexed it experimentally and smiled - her exhaustion would be worse if her wing was gone as well.
"You shouldn't have wasted your energy on that damn dog," Fukurokuju grumbled, sitting down next to her on the grass. Her brother had taken her to his realm in an effort to get her more rest, the demon-were only able to find her through their bond.
"I had to break that thing, it was disgusting," she replied. "And his energy was almost completely sealed away."
"It was his own fault. I'm surprised Loki let you do it," he continued sourly. "Much less help you."
Uzume shrugged. She had been surprised as well by how easily her brother had agreed to help. Perhaps it was a soft spot for wolves, or it could be her own soft spot for that particular youkai. Whatever it was, she was glad with the end result. It would take the wolf youkai some time to readjust to his full energy - and get his tail back - but she was already surprised by the amount of energy he had. It had multiplied tenfold in just a few hours.
"You don't get a say in any of this," Loki remarked, appearing behind them. A displeased look was in his silver-blue eyes as he crouched behind his sister, running a palm possessively over her returned wing. Fukurokuju made an effort to return the glare only for a moment before giving up.
"I'm surprised you let the pup anywhere near her," the demon-were argued. The trickster god was forced to agree, a grumble in the back of his throat.
"Would you two stop it?" Uzume demanded, her tone lacking any real anger. "I have enough problems to deal with right now, wouldn't you agree?"
They fell silent at her reminder. The angel had betrayed them, bound her companions with the help of whichever infernal demon she had sold herself to. They had allies, at least, but it was worrisome that the dragon seemed to be on the angel's side despite their best efforts. There were too many things, including another hunter, for them to worry about. Only that day she had been forced to astral project while driving in her mortal body to protect her human - Loki had taken over her body and kept it from being killed in a wreck of metal and fire. Petty arguments was not needed.
"Just rest for a few days. You need your strength because I'm not driving again anytime soon," Loki remarked, stroking her wings a few more times before rising. "I'm going to see Sevens."
She nodded absently, relaxing under the caresses while he disappeared. The demon-were remained next to her, unhappily allowing her to siphon his strength for her own use.
It was as peaceful as they were ever going to get.
Life
I've decided that I'm not ready to date yet.
For one thing, it causes way too much drama with my family that I just don't have the energy - emotionally or physically - to deal with right now. But that's not the main reason, not at all.
I think I'm just not ready, period. Yes, I miss the intimacy, both sexual and emotional. But that's not enough, I think, to start dating. I was with my stupid ex for almost three years and I've only been single for seven months. While in context that seems like a good amount of time, relatively I don't think it is. I think I'm still too emotionally clingy and - dare I say - vulnerable. What could be a fling for someone else and for me could turn into something more on my end, simply because of that attachment. I do want the intimacy and being with someone, all that stuff.
Which is exactly why I don't think I should date. Desperate, I am not. I know that. However, I do think I'm still at the stage where I could fall for the first guy to show me 'love' and I don't want to go through that again. I'm 21 years old, single and starting my life anew this fall. I've grown up over the summer, lost a lot of weight, made drastic changes in my life - I want to enjoy it.
Plain and simple: I don't think I want to be tied down in any way, shape or form just yet. I want to enjoy what I've got right now and roll with what life throws at me.
For one thing, it causes way too much drama with my family that I just don't have the energy - emotionally or physically - to deal with right now. But that's not the main reason, not at all.
I think I'm just not ready, period. Yes, I miss the intimacy, both sexual and emotional. But that's not enough, I think, to start dating. I was with my stupid ex for almost three years and I've only been single for seven months. While in context that seems like a good amount of time, relatively I don't think it is. I think I'm still too emotionally clingy and - dare I say - vulnerable. What could be a fling for someone else and for me could turn into something more on my end, simply because of that attachment. I do want the intimacy and being with someone, all that stuff.
Which is exactly why I don't think I should date. Desperate, I am not. I know that. However, I do think I'm still at the stage where I could fall for the first guy to show me 'love' and I don't want to go through that again. I'm 21 years old, single and starting my life anew this fall. I've grown up over the summer, lost a lot of weight, made drastic changes in my life - I want to enjoy it.
Plain and simple: I don't think I want to be tied down in any way, shape or form just yet. I want to enjoy what I've got right now and roll with what life throws at me.
Looking Up
This week was one of many firsts!
I started classes at George Mason. Criminal Law, Criminal Ethics, English 300, and Juvenile Delinquency. I'm enjoying them and it's only the first week, so here's hoping that continues. Projects for all them, but nothing that made me go, "OhmygodImdead!!" Here's hoping that keeps up or I shall write my last words here before drowning myself or something equally drastic.
Went to see Disturbed and Avenged Sevenfold on Tuesday with my dad and brother, who has returned from boot camp an official Private of the United States Army. Haelstorm opened and completely blew my ears out. Literally - they're still ringing two days later. But the concert has to be one of the best ones I've been to. First time I danced around, although I did not do the arm-waving and all that. Just kind of hopped around. Lots of energy, it was amazing! And got beer spilled on me, so had to wash my clothes at one in the morning. -_- My brother offered to do it, but I felt bad making him to my laundry, although I wasn't the one who dirtied it.
Also find myself in a sort-of-relationship. I say sort-of because we've agreed we like each other and want to see each other, but it's only been a few days so I'm tip-toeing. Just nervous, I don't want to screw anything up! So changed facebook status to 'in a relationship' because I could not think of an easier way to tell all my friends at the old campus - a rowdy bunch - I was dating one of their friends without inciting a huge scene. But, I don't want to pretend I'm not seeing him because that makes it look like I'm leading him on and that's just not right at all, since I do really like him. He's very nice, a little older than me with two kids from a previous marriage and you can tell he just loves them so much. We'll see how it goes, I'm keeping my hopes up instead of automatically thinking the worst. I want things to work! It sounds corny, but there just seems to be a connection I've never had with another guy, even my ex for two years.
Overall, I'm very happy. Stress at home, but I can leave whenever I want and hide at the campus, so it works out in the end. I have wonderful friends who are there for me, a great guy who wants to be with me, and things in my first semester of a university don't seem so intimidating. Life is finally settling in for me, I really want everything to work out. I don't think I've ever wished that so much in my life, usually I just tend to roll with the punches. This time, I'm actively hoping things go well, if that makes any sense. Not just, "Oh, I hope things go good." I'm literally trying to will it to happen! I think I deserve to be happy and everything is sort of happening at once, in a good way.
I realized I haven't posted in a while, partly due to stress and lack of time to actually sit down and write. But my first week is conquered and I hope to report on a second excellent week as the days go on!
I started classes at George Mason. Criminal Law, Criminal Ethics, English 300, and Juvenile Delinquency. I'm enjoying them and it's only the first week, so here's hoping that continues. Projects for all them, but nothing that made me go, "OhmygodImdead!!" Here's hoping that keeps up or I shall write my last words here before drowning myself or something equally drastic.
Went to see Disturbed and Avenged Sevenfold on Tuesday with my dad and brother, who has returned from boot camp an official Private of the United States Army. Haelstorm opened and completely blew my ears out. Literally - they're still ringing two days later. But the concert has to be one of the best ones I've been to. First time I danced around, although I did not do the arm-waving and all that. Just kind of hopped around. Lots of energy, it was amazing! And got beer spilled on me, so had to wash my clothes at one in the morning. -_- My brother offered to do it, but I felt bad making him to my laundry, although I wasn't the one who dirtied it.
Also find myself in a sort-of-relationship. I say sort-of because we've agreed we like each other and want to see each other, but it's only been a few days so I'm tip-toeing. Just nervous, I don't want to screw anything up! So changed facebook status to 'in a relationship' because I could not think of an easier way to tell all my friends at the old campus - a rowdy bunch - I was dating one of their friends without inciting a huge scene. But, I don't want to pretend I'm not seeing him because that makes it look like I'm leading him on and that's just not right at all, since I do really like him. He's very nice, a little older than me with two kids from a previous marriage and you can tell he just loves them so much. We'll see how it goes, I'm keeping my hopes up instead of automatically thinking the worst. I want things to work! It sounds corny, but there just seems to be a connection I've never had with another guy, even my ex for two years.
Overall, I'm very happy. Stress at home, but I can leave whenever I want and hide at the campus, so it works out in the end. I have wonderful friends who are there for me, a great guy who wants to be with me, and things in my first semester of a university don't seem so intimidating. Life is finally settling in for me, I really want everything to work out. I don't think I've ever wished that so much in my life, usually I just tend to roll with the punches. This time, I'm actively hoping things go well, if that makes any sense. Not just, "Oh, I hope things go good." I'm literally trying to will it to happen! I think I deserve to be happy and everything is sort of happening at once, in a good way.
I realized I haven't posted in a while, partly due to stress and lack of time to actually sit down and write. But my first week is conquered and I hope to report on a second excellent week as the days go on!
Continued Drabbles
Time
Time always to be slipping away.
I can never get it when I need more.
But when I'm pressed for it, it rushes past, slipping through my fingers like grains of sand.
The hourglass is my enemy,
and the watch is my foe.
They seem to conspire against me.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle.
When you're young and old, time seems to stand still.
When you're anything else, you always seem to need more.
I think God has a sense of humor, don't you?
He gives us time when we don't need it; when we do, it's already wasted.
So don't waste the time you've got left.
Get out and do something with it.
Remember that time, no matter how much you have, is a precious commodity.
One we can't afford to buy back.
Hands
The stars seem so far away,
or maybe it's because I'm so lost.
I can't seem to find my way.
I think I need a hand.
If someone would reach out to me
and throw me a lifeline,
I'd gladly take the chance they'd give me
and hold on for the ride.
I can never seem to find the words
that will express what I'm thinking.
Perhaps that's why they say I'm dumb,
or pretend they can't hear me.
I'd substitute your reality for my own,
but that doesn't seem to be working either.
Life can pass you by and so can dreams,
but maybe that's what makes life worth living.
Taking risks - disappointments,
to me it's all the same.
I don't want my heart broken,
but it's bound to be along the way.
When I need help, I'll make a choice,
to be all I can be.
Maybe someday someone will see me for who I am.
Until then, I'll just have to try and see myself for me.
Time always to be slipping away.
I can never get it when I need more.
But when I'm pressed for it, it rushes past, slipping through my fingers like grains of sand.
The hourglass is my enemy,
and the watch is my foe.
They seem to conspire against me.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle.
When you're young and old, time seems to stand still.
When you're anything else, you always seem to need more.
I think God has a sense of humor, don't you?
He gives us time when we don't need it; when we do, it's already wasted.
So don't waste the time you've got left.
Get out and do something with it.
Remember that time, no matter how much you have, is a precious commodity.
One we can't afford to buy back.
Hands
The stars seem so far away,
or maybe it's because I'm so lost.
I can't seem to find my way.
I think I need a hand.
If someone would reach out to me
and throw me a lifeline,
I'd gladly take the chance they'd give me
and hold on for the ride.
I can never seem to find the words
that will express what I'm thinking.
Perhaps that's why they say I'm dumb,
or pretend they can't hear me.
I'd substitute your reality for my own,
but that doesn't seem to be working either.
Life can pass you by and so can dreams,
but maybe that's what makes life worth living.
Taking risks - disappointments,
to me it's all the same.
I don't want my heart broken,
but it's bound to be along the way.
When I need help, I'll make a choice,
to be all I can be.
Maybe someday someone will see me for who I am.
Until then, I'll just have to try and see myself for me.
Further Drabbles
More drabbles of a completely bored mind.
Did that...
Small lines. Tiny people.
I wonder what they're doing down there.
Cold air. Tiny flakes.
I wonder what I'm doing up here.
Did something happen to me?
Dark smoke. Red fire.
I wonder what's going on down there.
Invisible air. Black clouds.
I wonder what's going on up here.
Did something happen to me?
Foaming water. Loud hissing.
I wish I could see better.
Warm air. Light rain.
I wish I could hear better.
Did something happen to me?
Loud cries. Tight hugs.
I wonder what they're doing down there.
Thin air. Trailing tears.
I wonder what I'm doing up here.
Did something happen to me?
Twisted metal. Scorched asphalt.
I think I know what's going on down there.
No air. Bright light.
I think I know what's going on up here.
Did that happen to me?
I know.
Did that...
Small lines. Tiny people.
I wonder what they're doing down there.
Cold air. Tiny flakes.
I wonder what I'm doing up here.
Did something happen to me?
Dark smoke. Red fire.
I wonder what's going on down there.
Invisible air. Black clouds.
I wonder what's going on up here.
Did something happen to me?
Foaming water. Loud hissing.
I wish I could see better.
Warm air. Light rain.
I wish I could hear better.
Did something happen to me?
Loud cries. Tight hugs.
I wonder what they're doing down there.
Thin air. Trailing tears.
I wonder what I'm doing up here.
Did something happen to me?
Twisted metal. Scorched asphalt.
I think I know what's going on down there.
No air. Bright light.
I think I know what's going on up here.
Did that happen to me?
I know.
Drabbles
Here are some short poems I wrote a few years ago. Just wanted to share. They're not very good, but maybe someone will get something out of them.
Don't Mean Much
Ignore me. Belittle me.
Make me feel worthless.
Don't look at my tears, they don't mean much anymore.
I'm just me. I don't dazzle.
I stay quiet. I stay calm.
Don't look at my hands, they don't do much anymore.
I don't ask for help. I just try.
I try to ignore the empty feeling inside.
Don't look at my lips, they don't say much anymore.
Help me. Love me.
Make me feel wanted.
Don't Mean Much
Ignore me. Belittle me.
Make me feel worthless.
Don't look at my tears, they don't mean much anymore.
I'm just me. I don't dazzle.
I stay quiet. I stay calm.
Don't look at my hands, they don't do much anymore.
I don't ask for help. I just try.
I try to ignore the empty feeling inside.
Don't look at my lips, they don't say much anymore.
Help me. Love me.
Make me feel wanted.
Don't look at me, I don't mean much anymore.
Life's Journey
Follow me down the lane.
See the leaves fall down again?
Walk with me until the twilight,
under the far-away moon, so bright.
Hold my hand and I'll hold yours.
I'll never pull you with too much force.
Stay beside me for all my days,
and I will help you ease your pain.
Friends, lovers, husband and wife.
They use those words to describe our life.
All I know is that we've never failed,
or looked with regret on our life's trail.
I'm a Sock!
How would I feel if I was a sock?
Always being pushed around, pulled on something, pushed in something.
I think I'd hate the shoe.
Mean ol' smelly shoe.
I think I want to be a polka-dot sock.
Or maybe I'll have stripes, like a prison sock.
What about a solid sock? Too boring.
Holey socks are no fun.
Maybe I'll be a toe sock, ten little mes warming ten little toes.
I'd be a thick thermal sock, keeping toes nice and warm.
I don't want to be a sock puppet.
What about a slipper-sock? The ones with soles on the bottom.
No shoes!
Never mind. Being a sock is more work than I thought.
I'm a Sock!
How would I feel if I was a sock?
Always being pushed around, pulled on something, pushed in something.
I think I'd hate the shoe.
Mean ol' smelly shoe.
I think I want to be a polka-dot sock.
Or maybe I'll have stripes, like a prison sock.
What about a solid sock? Too boring.
Holey socks are no fun.
Maybe I'll be a toe sock, ten little mes warming ten little toes.
I'd be a thick thermal sock, keeping toes nice and warm.
I don't want to be a sock puppet.
What about a slipper-sock? The ones with soles on the bottom.
No shoes!
Never mind. Being a sock is more work than I thought.
Introspekce
The moon hung bright and full in the black sky. Obtrusive clouds drifted in front of it, their silhouette eerily illuminated by the cold orb.
On earth, Uzume stood under such a sky and closed her eyes. The silence bore down around her, countless lives echoing in the charged air. Goddess of the dawn, she relished in the night sky and the power such a moon granted her. Daughter of an unfortunate union between an archangel and ancient creature, the reincarnation had many things unexplained about her and she preferred it that way. Still healing from her battle with the hunter, she soaked up as much power as she could from the sky, drawing on the moon itself.
She could feel the bright light soak into her skin, penetrating to her very soul as she released the breath she had been holding. Dawn and dusk merged in her soul, sun and stars reflected in her golden eyes as she turned to the shadows. The bond had alerted her to the demon-were long before, she had simply chosen to ignore him.
Theirs was a complicated relationship. Mates in their formers lives, it seemed impossible they would ever be united in this one. A bond formed by instinct, a battle in which lives had hung in the balance. Uzume had been forced to take control of Fukurokuju when he had attacked her mortal father, manipulated by those damned druids who had wanted to sacrifice her heart to summon their devil-god. At first the bond had been one-way, but as the days passed she wondered what she had done. She was constantly aware of him in her subconscious and was able to siphon energy from him when necessary. But she found herself drawn more and more to him and wondered if her love of night had been influenced by the demon.
He padded towards her, a huge black wolf with crimson streaks stretching from his eyes to tail. Massive black wings were folded against his back, crimson feathers brushing against her had as he sat down next to her, staring straight ahead. The look in his blood-red eyes were full of reproach - for her injury, for her neglecting to rely on him, for something else. She shrugged, unable to trust the demon-were just yet. He was proving far more reliable than the angel, but past behavior indicated a turn for the worse...
They remained that way, side-by-side, under the unnaturally-bright moon.
On earth, Uzume stood under such a sky and closed her eyes. The silence bore down around her, countless lives echoing in the charged air. Goddess of the dawn, she relished in the night sky and the power such a moon granted her. Daughter of an unfortunate union between an archangel and ancient creature, the reincarnation had many things unexplained about her and she preferred it that way. Still healing from her battle with the hunter, she soaked up as much power as she could from the sky, drawing on the moon itself.
She could feel the bright light soak into her skin, penetrating to her very soul as she released the breath she had been holding. Dawn and dusk merged in her soul, sun and stars reflected in her golden eyes as she turned to the shadows. The bond had alerted her to the demon-were long before, she had simply chosen to ignore him.
Theirs was a complicated relationship. Mates in their formers lives, it seemed impossible they would ever be united in this one. A bond formed by instinct, a battle in which lives had hung in the balance. Uzume had been forced to take control of Fukurokuju when he had attacked her mortal father, manipulated by those damned druids who had wanted to sacrifice her heart to summon their devil-god. At first the bond had been one-way, but as the days passed she wondered what she had done. She was constantly aware of him in her subconscious and was able to siphon energy from him when necessary. But she found herself drawn more and more to him and wondered if her love of night had been influenced by the demon.
He padded towards her, a huge black wolf with crimson streaks stretching from his eyes to tail. Massive black wings were folded against his back, crimson feathers brushing against her had as he sat down next to her, staring straight ahead. The look in his blood-red eyes were full of reproach - for her injury, for her neglecting to rely on him, for something else. She shrugged, unable to trust the demon-were just yet. He was proving far more reliable than the angel, but past behavior indicated a turn for the worse...
They remained that way, side-by-side, under the unnaturally-bright moon.
Truchlit
Wow, my blog really sucks! It's kind of depressing and mean...
*hangs head in shame*
Well, I can't apologize. It's the only place I can feel I can vent. So what if I bunch of strangers read it. Some of this is stuff I feel bad for dumping on my friends, and some of it is spur-of-the-moment stuff I need to get off my chest before I explode.
I always feel better after typing, though. I actually have characters I keep around just to kill when I'm mad. It's very therapeutic, no matter how weird that sounds.
.......honest!
*hangs head in shame*
Well, I can't apologize. It's the only place I can feel I can vent. So what if I bunch of strangers read it. Some of this is stuff I feel bad for dumping on my friends, and some of it is spur-of-the-moment stuff I need to get off my chest before I explode.
I always feel better after typing, though. I actually have characters I keep around just to kill when I'm mad. It's very therapeutic, no matter how weird that sounds.
.......honest!
Disgust
I hate feeling like I'm in competition. With friends and classmates, it's bad enough. With my own mother? It gets really tiresome.
I love my mom, I do. She's my mother and there's no way I can't love her. I think it's genetically encrypted in me somewhere, because god knows I've got enough reasons to hate/be indifferent to her over the years. But she's selfish, self-centered and acts like we're in competition 3/4 of the time. The other 1/4, she acts like a mom and makes me feel guilty for getting mad, then does it all over again. It's a vicious, complicated cycle that I can't snap out of no matter how hard I try.
What set this off? I'm getting my hair cut today before I start classes, since the pool and sun tend to create split-ends galore. I ask mom if she wants to go, to hang out. Next thing I know, I'm being told to move my appointment up two and a half hours so she can get her nails done at the same time, lest I inconvenience her highness. And when I made the appointment in the first place, she kept giving me a guilt trip about how much it's gonna cost (not much), doesn't your father know (he told me to make it and when'd be best), is it really necessary (unless I want to take scissor to my own head), etc. But it's okay for her to get a manicure that's totally unnecessary that she'll bitch about after she gets it done anyway?
Not fair. When my ex got me a DS for Christmas two years ago, she had to go out and buy one too. When dad got me a desktop because we had one computer and I needed to be on it constantly for schoolwork, pissing mom off in the process - she had to go buy a new computer too. If I'm going out to pick up a game I preordered eight months ago, I get, "Oh, find me some games too." The only reason she didn't get a car when I did, or take mine and give me the minivan, is because my dad nearly went into hysterics when she tried. I was watching a TV series with my friend, one she's got on DVD. I only made it up to the second disc of season one. After watching some with my mom one night, trying to be nice - now she's up to season three and is constantly watching it, doing nothing else.
I know. I'm petty. If she took an interest in stuff to share the fun with me, or something stupid like that, it'd be different. But every time I get something good or nice, she has to either get the same or one-up me. And if she can't, I hear about it. I constantly hear about my car and get guilt trips about it, like I'm going to give it to her or something. Screw that!
I hate it. I want a consistent mom. Either be a bitch all the time so I can decide to hate you, or act like a decent mom all the time so I can maybe work through all the shit you've done to me over the years. She threw a hot frying pan at my head one time, for christ's sake. And my dad? He says I need to just suck it up and be a better daughter.
Goddamnit, people, throw me a fuckin' lifeline.
I love my mom, I do. She's my mother and there's no way I can't love her. I think it's genetically encrypted in me somewhere, because god knows I've got enough reasons to hate/be indifferent to her over the years. But she's selfish, self-centered and acts like we're in competition 3/4 of the time. The other 1/4, she acts like a mom and makes me feel guilty for getting mad, then does it all over again. It's a vicious, complicated cycle that I can't snap out of no matter how hard I try.
What set this off? I'm getting my hair cut today before I start classes, since the pool and sun tend to create split-ends galore. I ask mom if she wants to go, to hang out. Next thing I know, I'm being told to move my appointment up two and a half hours so she can get her nails done at the same time, lest I inconvenience her highness. And when I made the appointment in the first place, she kept giving me a guilt trip about how much it's gonna cost (not much), doesn't your father know (he told me to make it and when'd be best), is it really necessary (unless I want to take scissor to my own head), etc. But it's okay for her to get a manicure that's totally unnecessary that she'll bitch about after she gets it done anyway?
Not fair. When my ex got me a DS for Christmas two years ago, she had to go out and buy one too. When dad got me a desktop because we had one computer and I needed to be on it constantly for schoolwork, pissing mom off in the process - she had to go buy a new computer too. If I'm going out to pick up a game I preordered eight months ago, I get, "Oh, find me some games too." The only reason she didn't get a car when I did, or take mine and give me the minivan, is because my dad nearly went into hysterics when she tried. I was watching a TV series with my friend, one she's got on DVD. I only made it up to the second disc of season one. After watching some with my mom one night, trying to be nice - now she's up to season three and is constantly watching it, doing nothing else.
I know. I'm petty. If she took an interest in stuff to share the fun with me, or something stupid like that, it'd be different. But every time I get something good or nice, she has to either get the same or one-up me. And if she can't, I hear about it. I constantly hear about my car and get guilt trips about it, like I'm going to give it to her or something. Screw that!
I hate it. I want a consistent mom. Either be a bitch all the time so I can decide to hate you, or act like a decent mom all the time so I can maybe work through all the shit you've done to me over the years. She threw a hot frying pan at my head one time, for christ's sake. And my dad? He says I need to just suck it up and be a better daughter.
Goddamnit, people, throw me a fuckin' lifeline.
My Soapbox
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_med_hearing_loss_teens
Please read first, so you'll understand what I'm referencing. Trust me, it's worthwhile. Be sure to have a bag or bowl handy.
I am 21, as you can read in my profile. I've been severely hearing impaired since birth; I am deaf in my right ear and mostly in left ear. I have to wear a hearing aid in my left ear in order to hear most anything. When I was five, the school nurse did a routine hearing test and said I was profoundly deaf. I was taken to a specialist and the bastard said I was faking it for attention, as my parents were going through a lot of issues. So for another five years, my parents constantly punished me for ignoring them. Kids my own age thought I was weird and/or stuck up for not paying attention to them and responding. When I was ten, my dear mother finally noticed something was wrong when I always turned my head to look at someone if they talked to me from my right side. To another specialist, I was whisked, to calm her guilty conscience.
Well, my poor doctor. He just about a stroke and spent about thirty minutes berating my parents, demanding to know how they could have a child that's only a few steps from being stone-deaf and never notice anything. My question exactly. When 'deaf' hearing is normal, I obviously couldn't go to my parents and say, oh, I can't hear you. When I did, I was yelled at for back talk. I compensated with lip reading and just guessing at what people were saying - nods and murmurs work very well if you have no idea what the fuck the other person just told you, it's a great party trick.
I got a hearing aid at eighteen when I started college. I was miserable my high school years. People who knew about my 'problem' thought I was a freak and not worth the effort. People who didn't thought - again - that I was stuck-up when in reality, I had no idea someone was sitting in my blind spot, on my deaf side, speaking to me. I had no boyfriends and only two friends who stuck by me. I was homeschooled because the only option in public high school was to have the teacher wear a microphone and I wear a receiver. I'm not stupid. I did not want to be labeled as needing 'special treatment' the first day of high school; so, I fought with my parents until they agreed that as long as my grades remained high, they would keep me home. And so I survived another four years.
College was - is - hell. Professors aren't too bad, as long as they speak loud, because I can see them and read lips for the most part. As for other students, no one likes getting 'what?' back every other time they say something. I can't say I blame them, I get tired of saying it all the time. So, people don't like to repeat themselves every other sentence and I'm tired of making them try. I'm starting a university in two weeks and I'm scared to death. I can't lip-read eight people at once; I can't make everyone turn to face me in a class discussion; I can't, I can't, I can't.
Bitter? You bet. Pissed off? Yep. REALLY FUCKING PISSED after reading that article?
Hell yeah.
The line that really torqued me out was in the sixth paragraph from the top: "A teenager with slight hearing loss might not be able to hear water dripping or his mother whispering "good night."
Well, poor fucking baby. I was called a bad kid, disrespectful, disobedient, bratty, etcetera by my parents and family for years. I still am, since now I apparently use my handicap as an excuse to ignore my parents, because I just love to do that so much.
I wonder how many times my mother whispered 'good night' to me and I didn't hear? Anyone want to bet?
These kids are stupid. Of course you're going to screw your hearing up by blasting your MP3 players in your ears constantly - I can't even listen to music without windows down, no headphones for me. And I'm expected to feel sorry for these kids?
I'm deaf because of a medication my mother took when she was pregnant with me.
They're deaf because they're too arrogant to think that yes, perhaps this can happen to them.
I'm deaf because of a choice my mother made.
They're deaf because of a choice they made.
And I'm way more deaf than these little fucks. I don't even tell most people - it's too much of a hassle, I'd rather fake my way through a conversation than have people yell at me in their ignorant attempts to 'help'. I don't go around looking for sympathy because I never got any and I don't get any now. Every once in a blue moon my parents will feel guilty about it, briefly, for all the punishments and lectures and all the times I was told I was a bad daughter.
You wanna know what happens after they have that brief moment of guilt for something that they didn't cause out of malice and ignored for ten years because they didn't want to admit they had fucked up?
They ask me, "Do you hear that?"
No. I fucking don't hear it. Stop asking me.
Please read first, so you'll understand what I'm referencing. Trust me, it's worthwhile. Be sure to have a bag or bowl handy.
I am 21, as you can read in my profile. I've been severely hearing impaired since birth; I am deaf in my right ear and mostly in left ear. I have to wear a hearing aid in my left ear in order to hear most anything. When I was five, the school nurse did a routine hearing test and said I was profoundly deaf. I was taken to a specialist and the bastard said I was faking it for attention, as my parents were going through a lot of issues. So for another five years, my parents constantly punished me for ignoring them. Kids my own age thought I was weird and/or stuck up for not paying attention to them and responding. When I was ten, my dear mother finally noticed something was wrong when I always turned my head to look at someone if they talked to me from my right side. To another specialist, I was whisked, to calm her guilty conscience.
Well, my poor doctor. He just about a stroke and spent about thirty minutes berating my parents, demanding to know how they could have a child that's only a few steps from being stone-deaf and never notice anything. My question exactly. When 'deaf' hearing is normal, I obviously couldn't go to my parents and say, oh, I can't hear you. When I did, I was yelled at for back talk. I compensated with lip reading and just guessing at what people were saying - nods and murmurs work very well if you have no idea what the fuck the other person just told you, it's a great party trick.
I got a hearing aid at eighteen when I started college. I was miserable my high school years. People who knew about my 'problem' thought I was a freak and not worth the effort. People who didn't thought - again - that I was stuck-up when in reality, I had no idea someone was sitting in my blind spot, on my deaf side, speaking to me. I had no boyfriends and only two friends who stuck by me. I was homeschooled because the only option in public high school was to have the teacher wear a microphone and I wear a receiver. I'm not stupid. I did not want to be labeled as needing 'special treatment' the first day of high school; so, I fought with my parents until they agreed that as long as my grades remained high, they would keep me home. And so I survived another four years.
College was - is - hell. Professors aren't too bad, as long as they speak loud, because I can see them and read lips for the most part. As for other students, no one likes getting 'what?' back every other time they say something. I can't say I blame them, I get tired of saying it all the time. So, people don't like to repeat themselves every other sentence and I'm tired of making them try. I'm starting a university in two weeks and I'm scared to death. I can't lip-read eight people at once; I can't make everyone turn to face me in a class discussion; I can't, I can't, I can't.
Bitter? You bet. Pissed off? Yep. REALLY FUCKING PISSED after reading that article?
Hell yeah.
The line that really torqued me out was in the sixth paragraph from the top: "A teenager with slight hearing loss might not be able to hear water dripping or his mother whispering "good night."
Well, poor fucking baby. I was called a bad kid, disrespectful, disobedient, bratty, etcetera by my parents and family for years. I still am, since now I apparently use my handicap as an excuse to ignore my parents, because I just love to do that so much.
I wonder how many times my mother whispered 'good night' to me and I didn't hear? Anyone want to bet?
These kids are stupid. Of course you're going to screw your hearing up by blasting your MP3 players in your ears constantly - I can't even listen to music without windows down, no headphones for me. And I'm expected to feel sorry for these kids?
I'm deaf because of a medication my mother took when she was pregnant with me.
They're deaf because they're too arrogant to think that yes, perhaps this can happen to them.
I'm deaf because of a choice my mother made.
They're deaf because of a choice they made.
And I'm way more deaf than these little fucks. I don't even tell most people - it's too much of a hassle, I'd rather fake my way through a conversation than have people yell at me in their ignorant attempts to 'help'. I don't go around looking for sympathy because I never got any and I don't get any now. Every once in a blue moon my parents will feel guilty about it, briefly, for all the punishments and lectures and all the times I was told I was a bad daughter.
You wanna know what happens after they have that brief moment of guilt for something that they didn't cause out of malice and ignored for ten years because they didn't want to admit they had fucked up?
They ask me, "Do you hear that?"
No. I fucking don't hear it. Stop asking me.
Důvěra
What if I told you I was not the person you think I am.
What if I told you the most outrageous things.
What if I told you there were things in this world you knew nothing about.
Things that no one in their wildest dreams could possibly believe.
An entire other world that existed within ours, encompassing us all whether we know about it or not.
Would you trust me?
What if I told you there were things I couldn't explain.
Things I couldn't tell you about, but I can tell you they are there.
Could you trust me?
There are so many things that can ruin a relationship.
Lies, secrets, old hurts.
Outlandish things, hurtful things, silly things.
Can you trust me?
Trust is a fragile thing.
Hard-won and easily lost.
Trust is a precious thing.
Would you trust me with yours?
What if I told you the most outrageous things.
What if I told you there were things in this world you knew nothing about.
Things that no one in their wildest dreams could possibly believe.
An entire other world that existed within ours, encompassing us all whether we know about it or not.
Would you trust me?
What if I told you there were things I couldn't explain.
Things I couldn't tell you about, but I can tell you they are there.
Could you trust me?
There are so many things that can ruin a relationship.
Lies, secrets, old hurts.
Outlandish things, hurtful things, silly things.
Can you trust me?
Trust is a fragile thing.
Hard-won and easily lost.
Trust is a precious thing.
Would you trust me with yours?
New Layout
After much searching, I believe I have found a blog I can keep for more than a few days before getting bored with it. Excitement and joy overwhelm me.
Okay, that's a serious exaggeration. It's late - early - however you want to word it, since it's 5:24 am and I haven't slept yet.
I did some serious overhaul. Most noticeably in the layout, of course, and the title. It's in Czech, one of the many cultures I can call my own and one of the most prominent in our family. I thought it would make it more unique, that's my only excuse. I know some foul language, but then thought better of it. If anyone who actually knows Czech saw my blog - which is highly unlikely - I could be banned for the words. So, it's simple.
I hope someone reads my post under this one, I'm rather proud of it! Even if it is sort of depressing. I don't know, something different.
Okay, that's a serious exaggeration. It's late - early - however you want to word it, since it's 5:24 am and I haven't slept yet.
I did some serious overhaul. Most noticeably in the layout, of course, and the title. It's in Czech, one of the many cultures I can call my own and one of the most prominent in our family. I thought it would make it more unique, that's my only excuse. I know some foul language, but then thought better of it. If anyone who actually knows Czech saw my blog - which is highly unlikely - I could be banned for the words. So, it's simple.
I hope someone reads my post under this one, I'm rather proud of it! Even if it is sort of depressing. I don't know, something different.
Dying
She was wounded, limp on the ground. The empty gaze of her dead enemy stared at her from a pool of blood, some of it her own. The moon still hung high in the sky and no other creatures dared draw near the bodies, fearing their power. Destruction was left as a testament to their strength, trees uprooted and lying on their side like twigs.
The pain was unbearable. He had used an angel-slaying sword. Thank God her father had dallied with a Zodiac and not another archangel, or else the poison that was spreading through her body would have killed her by now. It was enough to weaken her to the point of death, however, and she struggled to move. A glimpse of feathers caught her eye and she gagged. Her beautiful left wing, the shades of dawn from the white tip to starry top, was lying on the ground near her. The hunter had ripped it from her body and tossed it on the ground like garbage.
They had said she could kill him herself. He was powerful, this hunter, and knew what she was, knew what to use against her. She asked for help, knew how strong he was, that he was a match. But they had said she could handle it, they had faith. Look where their faith led her, she thought bitterly, as she tried to push herself away from the ground. She had expended too much energy fighting him. The poison was weakening her further, keeping her from healing her wounds. And the pain from her missing wing was worse than any injury his sword could inflict on her.
Uzume caught her breath as she heard someone approach. It was her brother, sent to guard her friend and arriving too late to help in the fight. The youkai and fae had stayed far away; she couldn't blame them. She had been able to kill him, but not without cost. Loki bent down and hauled her to her feet, ignoring the blood she dripped on his finery. A god he may be, but he couldn't heal her. She didn't have the strength to astral project, to leave her body and go to the Realms for healing. And Raphael wasn't coming. He usually came.
Nathanial appeared moments later, distress evident in his eyes as he took in her mutilation. He tucked his own starry wings away and looked at the wound. It wouldn't close, like a leaky faucet that will eventually drain the water dry. Uzume knew that this battle had been far worse than what they had expected - at least, worse than Loki had expected. Her comrades had sent her to fight it alone. They had to have sensed the battle, her waning strength, and yet no help came.
She pulled at the bond with Fukurokuju. It was the first time she had done so and could sense his indignation, his anger as she took his strength as her own. The demon-were could put up with it, would recover quickly. She felt her injuries slowly wrenching together, save for the gaping hole in her back. Uzume wanted to use the bond again, but knew she would kill him if she took anymore. So she went limp as Nathanial did his best and tried not to scream very much when Samael arrived to burn the wound close. There wasn't much strength for screaming anyway.
The sun rose the next day and she drew energy from that as well. From the sun, the air, the distant storms that carried lightening and fire in them. Uzume didn't know how she returned to human form, how she found herself in her own bed, safely locked behind wards lest another enemy come near and sense her weakness. She felt exhausted, drained. As the second day passed in much the same manner, she knew something had to be done lest she die. Crawl to her comrades, tenuous her trust may be, and demand healing. Call in a favor from the vampire she had saved and receive the crudest form of a blood transfusion.
Dying. A young woman in her mortal form and a powerful supernatural goddess in her soul. And she was dying.
The pain was unbearable. He had used an angel-slaying sword. Thank God her father had dallied with a Zodiac and not another archangel, or else the poison that was spreading through her body would have killed her by now. It was enough to weaken her to the point of death, however, and she struggled to move. A glimpse of feathers caught her eye and she gagged. Her beautiful left wing, the shades of dawn from the white tip to starry top, was lying on the ground near her. The hunter had ripped it from her body and tossed it on the ground like garbage.
They had said she could kill him herself. He was powerful, this hunter, and knew what she was, knew what to use against her. She asked for help, knew how strong he was, that he was a match. But they had said she could handle it, they had faith. Look where their faith led her, she thought bitterly, as she tried to push herself away from the ground. She had expended too much energy fighting him. The poison was weakening her further, keeping her from healing her wounds. And the pain from her missing wing was worse than any injury his sword could inflict on her.
Uzume caught her breath as she heard someone approach. It was her brother, sent to guard her friend and arriving too late to help in the fight. The youkai and fae had stayed far away; she couldn't blame them. She had been able to kill him, but not without cost. Loki bent down and hauled her to her feet, ignoring the blood she dripped on his finery. A god he may be, but he couldn't heal her. She didn't have the strength to astral project, to leave her body and go to the Realms for healing. And Raphael wasn't coming. He usually came.
Nathanial appeared moments later, distress evident in his eyes as he took in her mutilation. He tucked his own starry wings away and looked at the wound. It wouldn't close, like a leaky faucet that will eventually drain the water dry. Uzume knew that this battle had been far worse than what they had expected - at least, worse than Loki had expected. Her comrades had sent her to fight it alone. They had to have sensed the battle, her waning strength, and yet no help came.
She pulled at the bond with Fukurokuju. It was the first time she had done so and could sense his indignation, his anger as she took his strength as her own. The demon-were could put up with it, would recover quickly. She felt her injuries slowly wrenching together, save for the gaping hole in her back. Uzume wanted to use the bond again, but knew she would kill him if she took anymore. So she went limp as Nathanial did his best and tried not to scream very much when Samael arrived to burn the wound close. There wasn't much strength for screaming anyway.
The sun rose the next day and she drew energy from that as well. From the sun, the air, the distant storms that carried lightening and fire in them. Uzume didn't know how she returned to human form, how she found herself in her own bed, safely locked behind wards lest another enemy come near and sense her weakness. She felt exhausted, drained. As the second day passed in much the same manner, she knew something had to be done lest she die. Crawl to her comrades, tenuous her trust may be, and demand healing. Call in a favor from the vampire she had saved and receive the crudest form of a blood transfusion.
Dying. A young woman in her mortal form and a powerful supernatural goddess in her soul. And she was dying.
Update of my Life
Nooot that anyone cares, since only my friends read it and they already know what's going on with me.
After much soul searching, I've decided to go visit my dad's mother in NJ with him on Wednesday. The decision was hard for a few reasons, all of which are too complicated to get into on a blog. I don't hate the woman - I just don't give a shit whether she dies or not in the end. At first, I told my dad that I didn't want to go up. And then I started thinking about it and realized that I don't want to be like the rest of my family, all of whom do nothing but hold grudges and never take the moral high road because it's harder. I also realized that if I don't go up and it ends up being the last chance I get, I will be disgusted with myself for the rest of my life for being so pathetic and selfish.
Besides, as my friend Anne pointed out - someone needs to remember the halva.
My brother's coming back from boot camp in about two weeks. I can't wait, to be honest. Partly because I miss the kid and partly to get my parents out of my hair! Oi! I'll get the house to myself for four days while they're gone, so I'll have plenty of time to sit on my video games and turn into a vegetable. Hooray!
Wow, my blog is really boring and not full of insights in the least. I'll have to work on that....
......next post.
After much soul searching, I've decided to go visit my dad's mother in NJ with him on Wednesday. The decision was hard for a few reasons, all of which are too complicated to get into on a blog. I don't hate the woman - I just don't give a shit whether she dies or not in the end. At first, I told my dad that I didn't want to go up. And then I started thinking about it and realized that I don't want to be like the rest of my family, all of whom do nothing but hold grudges and never take the moral high road because it's harder. I also realized that if I don't go up and it ends up being the last chance I get, I will be disgusted with myself for the rest of my life for being so pathetic and selfish.
Besides, as my friend Anne pointed out - someone needs to remember the halva.
My brother's coming back from boot camp in about two weeks. I can't wait, to be honest. Partly because I miss the kid and partly to get my parents out of my hair! Oi! I'll get the house to myself for four days while they're gone, so I'll have plenty of time to sit on my video games and turn into a vegetable. Hooray!
Wow, my blog is really boring and not full of insights in the least. I'll have to work on that....
......next post.
RANT
I HATE this. I really, truly do.
I go out today with a group of friends. I actually go on a semi-double-date with my friend, her boyfriend, and their friend. I had fun, went to see The Sorcerer's Apprentice and hung out at the mall. Then spent most of the night with said friend at her house talking. In a really good mood.
I get home, after much harassment about being out late when I'm never out late to begin with. Am asked if I had fun by mom. Yep, lots! How was your day? Etc. I look at my dad and tell him the movie was really good, we'll have to go see it sometime. And I get, "Well, I'll just go by myself."
I HATE THAT.
He always does that. They both do it! They're always telling me to go have fun, do whatever, don't worry. So I do, sometimes. And WHEN I do, I get a passive-aggressive guilt-trip by, oh, he's just kidding, stop getting mad! But it's mean and it hurts my feelings. Because how am I supposed to be a 21 year-old woman and go out and do new things with my friends if I'm made to feel like I should have waited for my parents - and when I do, I usually miss out on said thing anyway. So what the fuck? Hello!
I go out today with a group of friends. I actually go on a semi-double-date with my friend, her boyfriend, and their friend. I had fun, went to see The Sorcerer's Apprentice and hung out at the mall. Then spent most of the night with said friend at her house talking. In a really good mood.
I get home, after much harassment about being out late when I'm never out late to begin with. Am asked if I had fun by mom. Yep, lots! How was your day? Etc. I look at my dad and tell him the movie was really good, we'll have to go see it sometime. And I get, "Well, I'll just go by myself."
I HATE THAT.
He always does that. They both do it! They're always telling me to go have fun, do whatever, don't worry. So I do, sometimes. And WHEN I do, I get a passive-aggressive guilt-trip by, oh, he's just kidding, stop getting mad! But it's mean and it hurts my feelings. Because how am I supposed to be a 21 year-old woman and go out and do new things with my friends if I'm made to feel like I should have waited for my parents - and when I do, I usually miss out on said thing anyway. So what the fuck? Hello!
My Kind of Man
I want a tall man, a sensitive man.
I want a man who gives me my independance.
I want a man I can depend on.
I want a man who will let me talk.
I want a man who will actually listen.
I want a man who is possessive.
I want a man who knows boundaries.
I want a man who can take control.
I want a man who lets me have the reins.
I want a man who will support me.
I want a man who go halfsies.
I want a man who wants kids.
I want a man who doesn't want kids just yet.
I want a man who's successful.
I want a man who's happy.
I want a man who plays in a band.
I want a man who looks good no matter what he wears.
I want a man who's tough.
I want a man who's always there for me.
I want a man who does everything right.
HELLO!!! This poor guy doesn't exist and even if he did, I feel sorry for the poor sap.
Girls aren't perfect by far - stop expecting the perfect man to sweep you off your feet! He can't read poetry and shoot stuff at the same time, ladies!
Me?
I want a guy who respects me for me, loves me for me, and wants to be with me forever.
I want a man who gives me my independance.
I want a man I can depend on.
I want a man who will let me talk.
I want a man who will actually listen.
I want a man who is possessive.
I want a man who knows boundaries.
I want a man who can take control.
I want a man who lets me have the reins.
I want a man who will support me.
I want a man who go halfsies.
I want a man who wants kids.
I want a man who doesn't want kids just yet.
I want a man who's successful.
I want a man who's happy.
I want a man who plays in a band.
I want a man who looks good no matter what he wears.
I want a man who's tough.
I want a man who's always there for me.
I want a man who does everything right.
HELLO!!! This poor guy doesn't exist and even if he did, I feel sorry for the poor sap.
Girls aren't perfect by far - stop expecting the perfect man to sweep you off your feet! He can't read poetry and shoot stuff at the same time, ladies!
Me?
I want a guy who respects me for me, loves me for me, and wants to be with me forever.
Dramatic house is....Dramatic
"Peek-a-boo!"
"I'm trying to kill this!"
"Peek-a-boo!"
"I swear..."
"I want my chair back."
"It's my lucky chair, I'm winning!"
A look is given and much grumbling is followed, to the tune of "if I die it's your fault."
"Mewwwwwwwwoooooowwww!"
"You're not going downstairs, Mickey! Cut it out."
That was my house a one in the morning. Our African Gray parrot, Major, dancing around in his - covered - cage and singing, myself attempting to beat the P3P final boss, my mother throwing me out of the recliner, and my cat trying to escape all the insanity by going downstairs and only contributing to it.
And yes, I did beat the game, thank you for asking!
How my dad sleeps through the chaos is beyond me. How do I? I live in the basement, so unless someone decides to do the can-can above my room, I can sleep through almost anything. You grow accustomed to it. I only have one sibling, my brother, but with so many pets - there's a dog and a second cat, too - it's like having ten kids running around the house some days.
And yet, I love it. I thrive on it some days, while others I have to go run around the block to avoid killing them all. My friends would wonder how I survive, except they both have a lot of siblings and so understand. Personally, I think they have it worse, because I can lock the animals up in a room or escape myself.
So...dramatic house is...dramatic!
"I'm trying to kill this!"
"Peek-a-boo!"
"I swear..."
"I want my chair back."
"It's my lucky chair, I'm winning!"
A look is given and much grumbling is followed, to the tune of "if I die it's your fault."
"Mewwwwwwwwoooooowwww!"
"You're not going downstairs, Mickey! Cut it out."
That was my house a one in the morning. Our African Gray parrot, Major, dancing around in his - covered - cage and singing, myself attempting to beat the P3P final boss, my mother throwing me out of the recliner, and my cat trying to escape all the insanity by going downstairs and only contributing to it.
And yes, I did beat the game, thank you for asking!
How my dad sleeps through the chaos is beyond me. How do I? I live in the basement, so unless someone decides to do the can-can above my room, I can sleep through almost anything. You grow accustomed to it. I only have one sibling, my brother, but with so many pets - there's a dog and a second cat, too - it's like having ten kids running around the house some days.
And yet, I love it. I thrive on it some days, while others I have to go run around the block to avoid killing them all. My friends would wonder how I survive, except they both have a lot of siblings and so understand. Personally, I think they have it worse, because I can lock the animals up in a room or escape myself.
So...dramatic house is...dramatic!
Enter the Hawk
Ah, dear readers! Here you shall be privy to information that is either very relevant or completely nonsensical, depending on what day it is and what mood I choose to share with you. Information is like that, you see, very relative and dependent on your source, so keep that in mind.
As it is my first blog post, I will endeavor not to frighten you all away with fantasy. I have much to share, but that will all be revealed in drabbles and droplets over time, not all at once like a broken dam.
Remember: when you escape, they send the Indians after you.
As it is my first blog post, I will endeavor not to frighten you all away with fantasy. I have much to share, but that will all be revealed in drabbles and droplets over time, not all at once like a broken dam.
Remember: when you escape, they send the Indians after you.
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