Disgust

I hate feeling like I'm in competition. With friends and classmates, it's bad enough. With my own mother? It gets really tiresome.

I love my mom, I do. She's my mother and there's no way I can't love her. I think it's genetically encrypted in me somewhere, because god knows I've got enough reasons to hate/be indifferent to her over the years. But she's selfish, self-centered and acts like we're in competition 3/4 of the time. The other 1/4, she acts like a mom and makes me feel guilty for getting mad, then does it all over again. It's a vicious, complicated cycle that I can't snap out of no matter how hard I try.

What set this off? I'm getting my hair cut today before I start classes, since the pool and sun tend to create split-ends galore. I ask mom if she wants to go, to hang out. Next thing I know, I'm being told to move my appointment up two and a half hours so she can get her nails done at the same time, lest I inconvenience her highness. And when I made the appointment in the first place, she kept giving me a guilt trip about how much it's gonna cost (not much), doesn't your father know (he told me to make it and when'd be best), is it really necessary (unless I want to take scissor to my own head), etc. But it's okay for her to get a manicure that's totally unnecessary that she'll bitch about after she gets it done anyway?

Not fair. When my ex got me a DS for Christmas two years ago, she had to go out and buy one too. When dad got me a desktop because we had one computer and I needed to be on it constantly for schoolwork, pissing mom off in the process - she had to go buy a new computer too. If I'm going out to pick up a game I preordered eight months ago, I get, "Oh, find me some games too." The only reason she didn't get a car when I did, or take mine and give me the minivan, is because my dad nearly went into hysterics when she tried. I was watching a TV series with my friend, one she's got on DVD. I only made it up to the second disc of season one. After watching some with my mom one night, trying to be nice - now she's up to season three and is constantly watching it, doing nothing else.

I know. I'm petty. If she took an interest in stuff to share the fun with me, or something stupid like that, it'd be different. But every time I get something good or nice, she has to either get the same or one-up me. And if she can't, I hear about it. I constantly hear about my car and get guilt trips about it, like I'm going to give it to her or something. Screw that!

I hate it. I want a consistent mom. Either be a bitch all the time so I can decide to hate you, or act like a decent mom all the time so I can maybe work through all the shit you've done to me over the years. She threw a hot frying pan at my head one time, for christ's sake. And my dad? He says I need to just suck it up and be a better daughter.

Goddamnit, people, throw me a fuckin' lifeline.