Zamilovat se do Sebe

I'm in a bit of a musing mood tonight. Could be because I'm overtired, or it could be from the confusion in my own heart lately.

What is love?

It's an age-old question and I think everyone will have a different answer.

For me, it's simply loving me for me. Hah - I said 'simply' in correlation with 'love'! I think that might be the hardest thing to do, and yet, there are people who do exactly that. They accept me for me, all my flaws, insecurities and strangeness wrapped in one package. It may not be romantic love, but it's assuredly far more fulfilling than any kind of shallow love I've experienced up to now.

There are so many different kinds of love. Unselfish, selfish, one-sided, obsessive, shallow, romantic, platonic, filial, friends...the list could go on and I don't think I could name all of them. Note how I didn't include 'lust' in there, although I know quite a few people who say that's a form of love. No, it isn't. Lust and love are two different things, no matter what kind of love you're talking about.

How do you know when you're in love with someone? I wish I knew. I thought I was once and maybe I was. But in return for that trust, I got my heart ripped out and stomped on and even now I'm not sure if I can trust someone that much again. I want to, I'd like to - but I haven't met anyone I can. Maybe someone who was there for me before and is still here for me. But how do I know? It could just be transference or dependence, a desperate need for someone to be there for me unconditionally. I don't want that, that isn't fair. It could be a crush, or just reading far too much into an affection that's always been between us.

I want to believe it's love. I do. I even think, deep down, it might be. I feel different, even a new sort of feeling I never had with the other 'love'. It's new and confusing and vaguely frightening - did I mention I have control issues? It's scary, feeling something and not knowing why I am or what's causing it. I try not to fantasize, to build castles in the air.

Words of an eternal pessimist. I'd rather be constantly surprised than disappointed and it's a motto that's actually held me in good stead all these years. The only times I get excited over something, get my hopes up and put my heart into it, my life crumbles in front of me and I have nothing to pick up the pieces. So I'm scared, because I'm really excited about this. I'm feeling new and strange and happy - a word that hasn't been used to describe me in quite some time.

Am I setting myself up again? It almost feels like it. I want it so badly. Even if it isn't love, isn't meant to be - I don't want to be destroyed again. I'd rather just find out right quick and go back to usual, not invest myself and look forward to something and love something just to be abandoned again.

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to run away, to just stop it now and pretend nothing ever happened. To not open myself up for another world of hurt and pain and loneliness that I feel will follow. And another part of me tells me that it's something new, something inherently right for me.

And I think that scares me even more.