The other day, I tried on an old jacket of mine from when I was sixteen. I know, six years ago. I knew I had gained weight, I've been working out and slowly losing it again, so I didn't expect it to fit. But when I tried it on, I had the shock of my life.
I had been small.
Not a tiny waif, mind you. But for years, ever since puberty, I've been self-conscious about my weight. It was never helped by my mom, who told me constantly that I was fat, overweight, dumpy, unattractive, too fat to wear this, that and the other thing, etc. My dad was pretty good about it, helping me eat right and trying to get me to exercise. He'd go walking with me. People I knew - not friends, but peers - only made it worse. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 18 and I was convinced that part of the problem was my weight. All the other girls were so skinny and here I was, FAT.
I was a size 6. That's right. I could wear anything from a size 10 down to a 6 and fit.
And all I saw in the mirror was a tummy bulge, muffin top, jiggly thighs, overall FAT.
What the hell?! I'm a size 14 now, I have a curvy figure, and I have no illusions about being 'skinny'. I want a healthy weight, not an obsession with pant sizes when I currently can wear anything from an 8-18, depending on the brand. Which I think is ridiculous, not having a standardized pant sizing system. Men have one! Measure us by inches, dammit!
Moving on. A size 6. At most, a 10. The jacket that started this whole thing was a 6. It wasn't the fact that it couldn't fit that upset me, I knew it wouldn't. It was the fact that all these years I've been miserable, thinking I was fat, pudgy, etc, and there I was, a healthy, normal size for my age.
All I was told was that I was fat.
I hear a lot about body image and how other people perceive you is how you perceive yourself. My husband always tells me he loves me, loves how I look and how beautiful he thinks I am. I realized I'm slowly getting more confident about my appearance because of it. But I didn't realize how drastically my perception of my weight was skewed all these years by people, my mother especially.
I feel a bit betrayed, to be honest. By whom or what, I'm not sure. My mother, certainly. Society in general? Yeah, but I'm sure every girl that isn't below a size 0 feels betrayed by society. We might as well get over it, because society will never, ever change. Ever. I'm convinced of it.
Since that moment of pulling that jacket on, I've felt immensely better about myself. Now that I realize what size I was, how long I was at a healthy weight, I know I can do it again. I have no illusions about fitting into that jacket again. I want a healthy weight, not a perceived size. But knowing I wasn't even overweight all those years gives me new confidence, new incentive about my current weight loss. If I was such a good size, a healthy weight, all those years, I can do it again! It isn't me fighting years of being overweight - it's me fighting a few months of weight from stress and years of self-hate.
The self-hate I can handle, actually. Most of the negativity about my weight is gone from my life, I've had time to get a new look at me and I realize I like me. Even at the steady 14 I've become, I'm pretty happy. I still have days where all I see is the tummy, but even then it's more like, "Augh! Go away, already!" instead of despair and loathing at myself for being so fat. I can laugh at myself in a mirror!
Noční Směna
Rana was exhausted. She couldn't even have a job - widowed for only six months made many things inaccessible to her, including any sort of social event and holding a job of her own. Something to do with "grieving time" or some such nonsense. It was merely society's way of keeping her out of sight and out of mind. No one wanted to deal with a wealthy widow, a young woman at that, who posed a threat to their young, unmarried daughters. That was fine with her, it allowed her to retain her private life, her solitary existence that suited her best. Not that she sat around doing nothing all day. Far from it. There were several individuals who benefited from her visits, either the lonesome elderly in need of companionship or the high-strung youth who responded best to discipline from someone other than their neglectful parents. It made her feel useful, in a semi-permanent way. The elderly would die, the children would grow up and forget, and she would fade away once again.
The knock on the door was the last thing she wanted to hear as she started to braid her auburn hair, but when the rapping grew louder she huffed, flinging it open in annoyance.
"Milady, we need help," the man informed her, hawk-gold eyes staring into her own brown ones. His meaning was unmistakable and she sighed.
"All right, just let me change into something more appropriate," she replied, gesturing for him to enter and shutting the door behind him. The lack of servants, while creating yet another minor gossip scandal, was convenient for her in many ways. Rana flew to her bedroom, pushing past the many gowns and skirts in her closet until she dug out a dark pair of breeches, followed by a wide leather belt, a brown blouse and a heavy duster. Her heavy boots, with a thick heel, reached almost to her knees and had prevented many injuries she otherwise would have had scars to explain to a doctor. They were laced up quickly out of practice and the braid was done as she reached the bottom of the stairs. The man nodded in relief, his hunched posture not from age but worry. The door was locked and they were gone, hidden by the shadows in the alleys.
The knock on the door was the last thing she wanted to hear as she started to braid her auburn hair, but when the rapping grew louder she huffed, flinging it open in annoyance.
"Milady, we need help," the man informed her, hawk-gold eyes staring into her own brown ones. His meaning was unmistakable and she sighed.
"All right, just let me change into something more appropriate," she replied, gesturing for him to enter and shutting the door behind him. The lack of servants, while creating yet another minor gossip scandal, was convenient for her in many ways. Rana flew to her bedroom, pushing past the many gowns and skirts in her closet until she dug out a dark pair of breeches, followed by a wide leather belt, a brown blouse and a heavy duster. Her heavy boots, with a thick heel, reached almost to her knees and had prevented many injuries she otherwise would have had scars to explain to a doctor. They were laced up quickly out of practice and the braid was done as she reached the bottom of the stairs. The man nodded in relief, his hunched posture not from age but worry. The door was locked and they were gone, hidden by the shadows in the alleys.
Noční Směna
She sat not with her family, nor with her husband's family, but in a pew between the two. She was separate, an oddity both in the community and the families. The look from her mother-in-law seared through her, sending its silent message to the young woman.
"You embarrass us. You disgrace us."
It didn't cause her much heartache. She had only been married a few months, the brief new matriarch of the family, as her husband was the eldest son. He had died, a disease that surprised the entire family. Refusing to marry his younger brother, the next heir, left the young woman adrift. She neither returned to her family nor married into her deceased husband's family, as was the norm. Instead, she insisted on living on her own, surviving on a salary that was a mystery to all who knew her and refusing any social engagements.
Rhen sat silently in her seat, outwardly composed and inwardly seething. The Minister was preaching yet another sermon on the importance of appearance, the need for men to care for woman - another pointed attack by her mother-in-law. The woman never let up. One would think she enjoyed being matriarch of the family again, but her odd sense of social propriety wouldn't let her leave the woman alone. She must be remarried - and to her brother-in-law, if one followed society's expectations, which Phylis Morgan always did. Unfortunately for everyone who had to deal with her.
The ordeal was over soon enough and Rana slipped away from both families without being spotted. Her own family was tolerable, but regrettably shared the same views on her life as her in-laws did. It was exhausting, dodging them all constantly. They all had their expectations of her, their designs on her future, all twenty-three combined, and she was determined to elude them all.
Only her husband had understood that. They had known one another for years and chance threw their marriage together through inspiration on his mother's part. He was friendly, competent and most importantly, could control his family. She had been happy, oddly enough. And then to be left alone with the vultures broke her heart even more.
At least she had her secret. Not even her husband had known, though he might have understood that too. It was hers to keep, to use when necessary.
"You embarrass us. You disgrace us."
It didn't cause her much heartache. She had only been married a few months, the brief new matriarch of the family, as her husband was the eldest son. He had died, a disease that surprised the entire family. Refusing to marry his younger brother, the next heir, left the young woman adrift. She neither returned to her family nor married into her deceased husband's family, as was the norm. Instead, she insisted on living on her own, surviving on a salary that was a mystery to all who knew her and refusing any social engagements.
Rhen sat silently in her seat, outwardly composed and inwardly seething. The Minister was preaching yet another sermon on the importance of appearance, the need for men to care for woman - another pointed attack by her mother-in-law. The woman never let up. One would think she enjoyed being matriarch of the family again, but her odd sense of social propriety wouldn't let her leave the woman alone. She must be remarried - and to her brother-in-law, if one followed society's expectations, which Phylis Morgan always did. Unfortunately for everyone who had to deal with her.
The ordeal was over soon enough and Rana slipped away from both families without being spotted. Her own family was tolerable, but regrettably shared the same views on her life as her in-laws did. It was exhausting, dodging them all constantly. They all had their expectations of her, their designs on her future, all twenty-three combined, and she was determined to elude them all.
Only her husband had understood that. They had known one another for years and chance threw their marriage together through inspiration on his mother's part. He was friendly, competent and most importantly, could control his family. She had been happy, oddly enough. And then to be left alone with the vultures broke her heart even more.
At least she had her secret. Not even her husband had known, though he might have understood that too. It was hers to keep, to use when necessary.
Liška
Saying he was wearing nothing but black would be a dangerous falsehood. Pure black stood out in a forest like this one, shadows were never any solid color. This hunter wore shades of gray, olives, dusky purples and even some blue. He melded into the shadows like this, a mixture of colors like everything else around him. He spotted the bright white of the kitsune and shook his head. She wasn't worth the effort, but she might have thanked him later if he had put her out of her misery. Instead, he continued on by, his passing unnoticed by all. Even the forest ignored his presence, everything an offense to the mighty structures that towered over the rest of living creation since the end of time.
The artifact was too precious to fall into their hands. For that matter, it shouldn't fall into his hands either, but he couldn't help if he was simply more skilled than the children posing as hunters. They had stumbled into this deathtrap of a life of their own violition and he wasn't here to lend a helping hand. Perhaps a push in a dark night, but not a pull. Never that.
Instead, he slipped in between darkness and light, his hair bound at the nape of his neck, revealing long tapered ears. His eyes were a distinctive orange and any who knew what the color signified would keep a safe distance from him - perferably several miles.
The artifact was too precious to fall into their hands. For that matter, it shouldn't fall into his hands either, but he couldn't help if he was simply more skilled than the children posing as hunters. They had stumbled into this deathtrap of a life of their own violition and he wasn't here to lend a helping hand. Perhaps a push in a dark night, but not a pull. Never that.
Instead, he slipped in between darkness and light, his hair bound at the nape of his neck, revealing long tapered ears. His eyes were a distinctive orange and any who knew what the color signified would keep a safe distance from him - perferably several miles.
Liška
If not for the night weighing down on her, the forest would have been a haven of beauty amidst the chaos of the wars and cities. Instead, she wrapped her cloak around her tightly, tail twitching at every whisper of wind in the tree branches above her. Boarding on swampland, but lacking enough moisture to make the inhabitants miserable, the forest was overgrown with thick trees and dense undergrowth to block any path previously made. The light of the moon could barely push past the foliage overhead, leaving the earth captive to shadows and flickers of light. Where the shadows faded, a hint of color shone through, a promise of the beauty currently hidden.
There were no paths to follow, barely space to crawl between some of the trees. The kitsune huddled close to the mist beside her. She avoided the light diligently, the white of her brown-tipped tail and ears serving as a beacon to any predators. Her ears were kept pressed back against her head, hidden by the auburn of her hair, while the tail was kept concealed beneath the cloak. It was a mistake to come into the place at night, she knew, but it was the only time she had been able to get away. The mist beside her flickered between existence, occasionally taking its material form for the briefest of seconds. It served more as a comfort than an aid for the moment, keeping close to it's kitsune mistress.
It had to be here somewhere. She could sense it, every hair on her head on end. The problem was the forest. It was cloaking it, keeping it hidden from anyone looking. And there were many on the hunt. She had already encountered several other seekers, leaving them behind in a trail of blood.
There were no paths to follow, barely space to crawl between some of the trees. The kitsune huddled close to the mist beside her. She avoided the light diligently, the white of her brown-tipped tail and ears serving as a beacon to any predators. Her ears were kept pressed back against her head, hidden by the auburn of her hair, while the tail was kept concealed beneath the cloak. It was a mistake to come into the place at night, she knew, but it was the only time she had been able to get away. The mist beside her flickered between existence, occasionally taking its material form for the briefest of seconds. It served more as a comfort than an aid for the moment, keeping close to it's kitsune mistress.
It had to be here somewhere. She could sense it, every hair on her head on end. The problem was the forest. It was cloaking it, keeping it hidden from anyone looking. And there were many on the hunt. She had already encountered several other seekers, leaving them behind in a trail of blood.
Zprávy
My brother's been staying with us, on the second week now. It's been fun, having company while Wayne is at work. He pretty much just sits and goes on his game, so it's not like I'm having urges to kill him yet. He does dishes and cooks sometime too, so that's nice.
Wayne'll be gone all September, off to training. That'll suck pretty bad. Gotta love how he'll be away for Labor Day, which is normally when they get days off. Irony. Eric'll stay with me for a week or two in the midle of the month so I don't go completely nuts. And the car will be fixed by then, what needs to be replaced is easy for Wayne, so I'll be able to go places. I figure I'll order myself some books, since it's cheaper to use the website for Barnes and Nobles than get some of them in the store itself.
Not much else to go on about. I've lost all train of thought, so any randomness will have to wait until I lure it back with chocolate.
Wayne'll be gone all September, off to training. That'll suck pretty bad. Gotta love how he'll be away for Labor Day, which is normally when they get days off. Irony. Eric'll stay with me for a week or two in the midle of the month so I don't go completely nuts. And the car will be fixed by then, what needs to be replaced is easy for Wayne, so I'll be able to go places. I figure I'll order myself some books, since it's cheaper to use the website for Barnes and Nobles than get some of them in the store itself.
Not much else to go on about. I've lost all train of thought, so any randomness will have to wait until I lure it back with chocolate.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
