Wow, December 31, 2010. The end of another year and what a year it's been!
If I tried to list everything, good and bad, that's happened it would be far too long and I'd miss things anyway. But here's just a taste of how the ride's been:
- broken up with boyfriend of almost three years
- graduated LFCC with two degrees, one in general education and one in education
- started GMU and finished my first semester
- my best friend Noelle moved in with me
- my other best friend Anne moved away to Seattle
And many other things I either don't want to share or can't share - too private in any case.
Looking back on the year - I WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE FUCK IT WENT.
I lost it! It's gone and it doesn't feel like it should be over. What the hell?
Do I regret stuff? Of course I do, but I don't regret the time going by. I think a lot of good stuff happened this year, as well as a lot of bad stuff. I'm not sure if it managed to balance it all out in the end, but hopefully next year will be able to make some reparations.
Any New Years' resolutions? Heck no! For one thing, I never keep them. I guess the only thing you could say I'm resolved to do is survive. Keep going, try to keep my head above water and make it through another year without becoming too much of a horrible being.
Blah, blah, blah....
No, this is not that godforsaken Ke$ha song. And you know how long it took me to figure out how to pronounce her name? I won't even go there.
No, instead this is just my random musings since I'm pretty bored and have no motivation to do anything productive whatsoever. This doesn't count, since it in no way furthers my ambitions to rule the world and then delegate pretty much everything anyway. Which is why I don't really plan on taking over the world - in reality, it'd be way too much responsibility and far too much effort for not a great amount of results.
Finished up my first semester at GMU with an A- and three Bs. Considering how stressed out I've been all freakin' semester, I'm inordinately pleased with those grades. I want to get As all next semester, as a matter of personal ethical pride, but I'm happy with these. I told my dad that if he wanted to motivate me to finish my degree instead of dropping out after this spring, he could start saving up for a trip to take me to California. NOT the beach! I want to see the redwood forests before they die off. They're already starting to, all the smog from LA and the surrounding cities gets caught in the atmosphere sink above the forests and kills the trees from all the chemicals. That's something I learned last spring in my biology class and I still remember almost everything I learned. Best biology class ever.
Wow, tangent alert!
Roleplay. It's a dirty word to most people who I know. To them, it means those scary people who get obsessed over internet identities - or worse, those people who dress up as their characters and actually act it out. Other than Broadway, I think it's called LARPing or something. I know nothing of it, other than what I've heard on the rumor mill. I roleplay (RP) with some friends over the internet - one has been going on for about three years now, actually, on and off as dictated by schoolwork and family.
Why do I like it? Well, for once, I'm a writer and I like RPing because it keeps my mind active and in practice. RPing with other people gives me new ideas and helps me develop better characters in response to another person's actions, rather than just me dictating everything. Plus, it's just fun to take out your moods on a character, making up the most ridiculous situations with no one to criticize, as we just do it for the fun of it.
I do know some people who are very serious about it and they scare me.
No, instead this is just my random musings since I'm pretty bored and have no motivation to do anything productive whatsoever. This doesn't count, since it in no way furthers my ambitions to rule the world and then delegate pretty much everything anyway. Which is why I don't really plan on taking over the world - in reality, it'd be way too much responsibility and far too much effort for not a great amount of results.
Finished up my first semester at GMU with an A- and three Bs. Considering how stressed out I've been all freakin' semester, I'm inordinately pleased with those grades. I want to get As all next semester, as a matter of personal ethical pride, but I'm happy with these. I told my dad that if he wanted to motivate me to finish my degree instead of dropping out after this spring, he could start saving up for a trip to take me to California. NOT the beach! I want to see the redwood forests before they die off. They're already starting to, all the smog from LA and the surrounding cities gets caught in the atmosphere sink above the forests and kills the trees from all the chemicals. That's something I learned last spring in my biology class and I still remember almost everything I learned. Best biology class ever.
Wow, tangent alert!
Roleplay. It's a dirty word to most people who I know. To them, it means those scary people who get obsessed over internet identities - or worse, those people who dress up as their characters and actually act it out. Other than Broadway, I think it's called LARPing or something. I know nothing of it, other than what I've heard on the rumor mill. I roleplay (RP) with some friends over the internet - one has been going on for about three years now, actually, on and off as dictated by schoolwork and family.
Why do I like it? Well, for once, I'm a writer and I like RPing because it keeps my mind active and in practice. RPing with other people gives me new ideas and helps me develop better characters in response to another person's actions, rather than just me dictating everything. Plus, it's just fun to take out your moods on a character, making up the most ridiculous situations with no one to criticize, as we just do it for the fun of it.
I do know some people who are very serious about it and they scare me.
Zamilovat se do Sebe
I'm in a bit of a musing mood tonight. Could be because I'm overtired, or it could be from the confusion in my own heart lately.
What is love?
It's an age-old question and I think everyone will have a different answer.
For me, it's simply loving me for me. Hah - I said 'simply' in correlation with 'love'! I think that might be the hardest thing to do, and yet, there are people who do exactly that. They accept me for me, all my flaws, insecurities and strangeness wrapped in one package. It may not be romantic love, but it's assuredly far more fulfilling than any kind of shallow love I've experienced up to now.
There are so many different kinds of love. Unselfish, selfish, one-sided, obsessive, shallow, romantic, platonic, filial, friends...the list could go on and I don't think I could name all of them. Note how I didn't include 'lust' in there, although I know quite a few people who say that's a form of love. No, it isn't. Lust and love are two different things, no matter what kind of love you're talking about.
How do you know when you're in love with someone? I wish I knew. I thought I was once and maybe I was. But in return for that trust, I got my heart ripped out and stomped on and even now I'm not sure if I can trust someone that much again. I want to, I'd like to - but I haven't met anyone I can. Maybe someone who was there for me before and is still here for me. But how do I know? It could just be transference or dependence, a desperate need for someone to be there for me unconditionally. I don't want that, that isn't fair. It could be a crush, or just reading far too much into an affection that's always been between us.
I want to believe it's love. I do. I even think, deep down, it might be. I feel different, even a new sort of feeling I never had with the other 'love'. It's new and confusing and vaguely frightening - did I mention I have control issues? It's scary, feeling something and not knowing why I am or what's causing it. I try not to fantasize, to build castles in the air.
Words of an eternal pessimist. I'd rather be constantly surprised than disappointed and it's a motto that's actually held me in good stead all these years. The only times I get excited over something, get my hopes up and put my heart into it, my life crumbles in front of me and I have nothing to pick up the pieces. So I'm scared, because I'm really excited about this. I'm feeling new and strange and happy - a word that hasn't been used to describe me in quite some time.
Am I setting myself up again? It almost feels like it. I want it so badly. Even if it isn't love, isn't meant to be - I don't want to be destroyed again. I'd rather just find out right quick and go back to usual, not invest myself and look forward to something and love something just to be abandoned again.
I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to run away, to just stop it now and pretend nothing ever happened. To not open myself up for another world of hurt and pain and loneliness that I feel will follow. And another part of me tells me that it's something new, something inherently right for me.
And I think that scares me even more.
What is love?
It's an age-old question and I think everyone will have a different answer.
For me, it's simply loving me for me. Hah - I said 'simply' in correlation with 'love'! I think that might be the hardest thing to do, and yet, there are people who do exactly that. They accept me for me, all my flaws, insecurities and strangeness wrapped in one package. It may not be romantic love, but it's assuredly far more fulfilling than any kind of shallow love I've experienced up to now.
There are so many different kinds of love. Unselfish, selfish, one-sided, obsessive, shallow, romantic, platonic, filial, friends...the list could go on and I don't think I could name all of them. Note how I didn't include 'lust' in there, although I know quite a few people who say that's a form of love. No, it isn't. Lust and love are two different things, no matter what kind of love you're talking about.
How do you know when you're in love with someone? I wish I knew. I thought I was once and maybe I was. But in return for that trust, I got my heart ripped out and stomped on and even now I'm not sure if I can trust someone that much again. I want to, I'd like to - but I haven't met anyone I can. Maybe someone who was there for me before and is still here for me. But how do I know? It could just be transference or dependence, a desperate need for someone to be there for me unconditionally. I don't want that, that isn't fair. It could be a crush, or just reading far too much into an affection that's always been between us.
I want to believe it's love. I do. I even think, deep down, it might be. I feel different, even a new sort of feeling I never had with the other 'love'. It's new and confusing and vaguely frightening - did I mention I have control issues? It's scary, feeling something and not knowing why I am or what's causing it. I try not to fantasize, to build castles in the air.
Words of an eternal pessimist. I'd rather be constantly surprised than disappointed and it's a motto that's actually held me in good stead all these years. The only times I get excited over something, get my hopes up and put my heart into it, my life crumbles in front of me and I have nothing to pick up the pieces. So I'm scared, because I'm really excited about this. I'm feeling new and strange and happy - a word that hasn't been used to describe me in quite some time.
Am I setting myself up again? It almost feels like it. I want it so badly. Even if it isn't love, isn't meant to be - I don't want to be destroyed again. I'd rather just find out right quick and go back to usual, not invest myself and look forward to something and love something just to be abandoned again.
I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to run away, to just stop it now and pretend nothing ever happened. To not open myself up for another world of hurt and pain and loneliness that I feel will follow. And another part of me tells me that it's something new, something inherently right for me.
And I think that scares me even more.
Drahoušek
Yes, she lives! Uzume rises from the ashes like the proverbial phoenix.
Wow. So much has happened to me since the last time I posted. I conquered midterms for GMU, as well as crushing depression that had me seriously considering just ending it - oh, screw putting it nicely. I was thinking about suicide, eating a lot of pills and just not waking up again.
Luckily, I had my friends and my dad to pull me from that abyss. It still lingers in the back of my mind, but not as a serious thought. More like an echo of the despair that's still deep inside me. It's not something I can just erase with one shot, but I am able to ignore the call of the easy way out.
I also think I might have found someone whom I can count on. I don't want to go into detail, just because it's something I don't want to jinx. It's someone I've known for over four years and there's always been something between us. He's always been there for me and a good friend. I recently got to talk to him over the phone, something we do frequently now, and I enjoy it. I'm confused, but it's in a good way. I've never felt quite like I am now and my friends tell me I'm acting "more like you". I didn't know I wasn't acting like me! But apparently I am now, I'm happier and just "more me" is all I can get out of them. They say it's hard to explain.
One of my two best friends is moving before Christmas to Seattle to live with her uncle and his family. I'm really sad about that, I'll miss her. But at the same time, I know it's something that's important for her and will help her, so I'm happy about it. And we can talk, Skype, and text, so at least I'll be able to contact her!
Finals are around the corner and another semester will be conquered. My friend is visiting from Florida in January over my break and I'm so excited about it! It's definitely something to look forward to with all this studying in my near future.
Well, I wish everyone luck for the holiday season, in case I don't post again for a while!
Wow. So much has happened to me since the last time I posted. I conquered midterms for GMU, as well as crushing depression that had me seriously considering just ending it - oh, screw putting it nicely. I was thinking about suicide, eating a lot of pills and just not waking up again.
Luckily, I had my friends and my dad to pull me from that abyss. It still lingers in the back of my mind, but not as a serious thought. More like an echo of the despair that's still deep inside me. It's not something I can just erase with one shot, but I am able to ignore the call of the easy way out.
I also think I might have found someone whom I can count on. I don't want to go into detail, just because it's something I don't want to jinx. It's someone I've known for over four years and there's always been something between us. He's always been there for me and a good friend. I recently got to talk to him over the phone, something we do frequently now, and I enjoy it. I'm confused, but it's in a good way. I've never felt quite like I am now and my friends tell me I'm acting "more like you". I didn't know I wasn't acting like me! But apparently I am now, I'm happier and just "more me" is all I can get out of them. They say it's hard to explain.
One of my two best friends is moving before Christmas to Seattle to live with her uncle and his family. I'm really sad about that, I'll miss her. But at the same time, I know it's something that's important for her and will help her, so I'm happy about it. And we can talk, Skype, and text, so at least I'll be able to contact her!
Finals are around the corner and another semester will be conquered. My friend is visiting from Florida in January over my break and I'm so excited about it! It's definitely something to look forward to with all this studying in my near future.
Well, I wish everyone luck for the holiday season, in case I don't post again for a while!
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