I wonder if anyone ever uses google translate to figure out what I'm saying. Hrm...just thought of that.
What a freakin' month. Still doing pretty shitty, but thanks to a few friends giving me their numbers and letting me cry and mope to them when I need to, I'm feeling a little positive now. Mom stared chemo and reacted well to it, but now she's got some sort of infection so I'm sort of freaking out.
She's doing a little better this past week. Sleeping a whole lot, but she's gone out a few places and is a little more coherent lately. Which is nice, I'm learning quite a few recipes and shall soon be inundated with my male friends trying to get a free male, hah!
There isn't much going on, other than all the negative crap. Insurance won't pay for chemo or hospital bills - I don't even want to go into that mess. God almighty, you'd think we'd get a break!
But people in our parish, some of them, have been really kind and that's raising our spirits as well. A few women are making us meals on the days mom gets chemo, since we're all too emotionally exhausted to even care about eating then. And so many keep calling, wanting to come over to help with mom, spend time or to tell me that I can call them any time I need some help for anything. I'm actually surprised by their reaction and it's restored my faith in humanity slightly, since I can tell they're sincere in their words and actions.
V Posledním Tažení
My mom has pancreatic cancer. It's advanced fourth stage and aggressive. In three weeks, she went from being uncomfortable to being in such pain she's popping pain pills every hour and can barely stand getting out of the bed. She got a scan last week and we were told the results today.
Without treatment, my mom has six months to live at best. With chemo, who the hell knows, because no one knows if it's going to help until she tries it.
She decided that she's going to do chemotherapy and see if it helps.
I don't know what to do or how to feel. I hate, hate, HATE seeing my mom in constant pain, crying, and I can't do a damn thing about it. All I can do is hold her hand and tell her it's okay to cry. Who can blame her? I'm just numb and it really, really sucks.
Why does my mom have to die? Why can't it be a pedophile, a murderer, a rapist? Why does it have to be my mother - the woman who gave birth to me, who's raised me and who loves me, even if we've had a fucked-up relationship for years? It's not fair and I don't care if people say that life isn't fair. It isn't and I'm not ready to accept it.
I don't really have anyone to talk to. My best friend is in Seattle, Washington with her relatives. The girl I thought was my best friend decided she was more important than my mother and the issues I now have to deal with. And I haven't made myself many close friends, thanks to my intolerance and resistance to doing what people tell me. Do I regret my actions? No, I don't want fair-weather friends. I never have.
But I feel so lonely. My brother has his friends, my dad has people he can talk to. And I don't have a single person. There's a huge difference in talking to someone over the internet and having a good cry with a friend in person. I don't like to cry in front of people, but I don't even get that option. And it really hurts right now.
I know, I'm being selfish. But what can I do right now? I'm being strong for my mom - I dropped three out of four classes, and I'm only taking that one because she wants me to. I don't go anywhere, I don't go see anyone, because I stay at home to take care of my mom, the house, the animals, my dad, my brother. I don't have anyone asking me if I need help, if I need to just go somewhere and cry and not have to listen to trite words of "I'm sorry" or if they can do anything.
All I want is my mom. And I can't have her. And it's not fair. I'm twenty-one years old. She'll never see me graduate college, get married, have kids, move out - any of that stuff.
My heart is breaking. I feel like someone's ripped it out, gutted me and ground me into dust. And if it would keep my mom alive, I'd let them. Instead, all this suffering has no point. I get to watch my mom fade, get weaker and suffer even more - and for what? For NOTHING. Nothing. She'll die anyway and I won't have my mom. What's the point?
There is no point.
Without treatment, my mom has six months to live at best. With chemo, who the hell knows, because no one knows if it's going to help until she tries it.
She decided that she's going to do chemotherapy and see if it helps.
I don't know what to do or how to feel. I hate, hate, HATE seeing my mom in constant pain, crying, and I can't do a damn thing about it. All I can do is hold her hand and tell her it's okay to cry. Who can blame her? I'm just numb and it really, really sucks.
Why does my mom have to die? Why can't it be a pedophile, a murderer, a rapist? Why does it have to be my mother - the woman who gave birth to me, who's raised me and who loves me, even if we've had a fucked-up relationship for years? It's not fair and I don't care if people say that life isn't fair. It isn't and I'm not ready to accept it.
I don't really have anyone to talk to. My best friend is in Seattle, Washington with her relatives. The girl I thought was my best friend decided she was more important than my mother and the issues I now have to deal with. And I haven't made myself many close friends, thanks to my intolerance and resistance to doing what people tell me. Do I regret my actions? No, I don't want fair-weather friends. I never have.
But I feel so lonely. My brother has his friends, my dad has people he can talk to. And I don't have a single person. There's a huge difference in talking to someone over the internet and having a good cry with a friend in person. I don't like to cry in front of people, but I don't even get that option. And it really hurts right now.
I know, I'm being selfish. But what can I do right now? I'm being strong for my mom - I dropped three out of four classes, and I'm only taking that one because she wants me to. I don't go anywhere, I don't go see anyone, because I stay at home to take care of my mom, the house, the animals, my dad, my brother. I don't have anyone asking me if I need help, if I need to just go somewhere and cry and not have to listen to trite words of "I'm sorry" or if they can do anything.
All I want is my mom. And I can't have her. And it's not fair. I'm twenty-one years old. She'll never see me graduate college, get married, have kids, move out - any of that stuff.
My heart is breaking. I feel like someone's ripped it out, gutted me and ground me into dust. And if it would keep my mom alive, I'd let them. Instead, all this suffering has no point. I get to watch my mom fade, get weaker and suffer even more - and for what? For NOTHING. Nothing. She'll die anyway and I won't have my mom. What's the point?
There is no point.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
