Huh

The other day, I tried on an old jacket of mine from when I was sixteen. I know, six years ago. I knew I had gained weight, I've been working out and slowly losing it again, so I didn't expect it to fit. But when I tried it on, I had the shock of my life.

I had been small.

Not a tiny waif, mind you. But for years, ever since puberty, I've been self-conscious about my weight. It was never helped by my mom, who told me constantly that I was fat, overweight, dumpy, unattractive, too fat to wear this, that and the other thing, etc. My dad was pretty good about it, helping me eat right and trying to get me to exercise. He'd go walking with me. People I knew - not friends, but peers - only made it worse. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 18 and I was convinced that part of the problem was my weight. All the other girls were so skinny and here I was, FAT.

I was a size 6. That's right. I could wear anything from a size 10 down to a 6 and fit.

And all I saw in the mirror was a tummy bulge, muffin top, jiggly thighs, overall FAT.

What the hell?! I'm a size 14 now, I have a curvy figure, and I have no illusions about being 'skinny'. I want a healthy weight, not an obsession with pant sizes when I currently can wear anything from an 8-18, depending on the brand. Which I think is ridiculous, not having a standardized pant sizing system. Men have one! Measure us by inches, dammit!

Moving on. A size 6. At most, a 10. The jacket that started this whole thing was a 6. It wasn't the fact that it couldn't fit that upset me, I knew it wouldn't. It was the fact that all these years I've been miserable, thinking I was fat, pudgy, etc, and there I was, a healthy, normal size for my age.

All I was told was that I was fat.

I hear a lot about body image and how other people perceive you is how you perceive yourself. My husband always tells me he loves me, loves how I look and how beautiful he thinks I am. I realized I'm slowly getting more confident about my appearance because of it. But I didn't realize how drastically my perception of my weight was skewed all these years by people, my mother especially.

I feel a bit betrayed, to be honest. By whom or what, I'm not sure. My mother, certainly. Society in general? Yeah, but I'm sure every girl that isn't below a size 0 feels betrayed by society. We might as well get over it, because society will never, ever change. Ever. I'm convinced of it.

Since that moment of pulling that jacket on, I've felt immensely better about myself. Now that I realize what size I was, how long I was at a healthy weight, I know I can do it again. I have no illusions about fitting into that jacket again. I want a healthy weight, not a perceived size. But knowing I wasn't even overweight all those years gives me new confidence, new incentive about my current weight loss. If I was such a good size, a healthy weight, all those years, I can do it again! It isn't me fighting years of being overweight - it's me fighting a few months of weight from stress and years of self-hate.

The self-hate I can handle, actually. Most of the negativity about my weight is gone from my life, I've had time to get a new look at me and I realize I like me. Even at the steady 14 I've become, I'm pretty happy. I still have days where all I see is the tummy, but even then it's more like, "Augh! Go away, already!" instead of despair and loathing at myself for being so fat. I can laugh at myself in a mirror!