Svoboda Projevu

My, my, what a busy life I've been leading since my last post. While I haven't been many places, I've been on the rampage mentally and emotionally the past month.

Where to start. I turn 22 on Sunday, Father's Day, and I have mixed feelings about it. My age? Not at all, I think it's a good point in my life and there's no reason to be ashamed of getting 'old'. I use the word relatively, since I don't think it's old and yet everyone is telling me I'm over the hill. Some seem to be serious, scarily enough. So what is wrong, you may ask? Well, it'll be the first birthday without my mom. I got a card in the mail from my dad, and from my brother, but there was nothing from mom. No note, no 'baby girl, I love you so much', nothing. And it didn't hit me until that moment that mom isn't here this year, I can't count on her making my birthday a big deal like she always did. I haven't cried and if I do, I probably need to. I'm also just feeling odd in general about it. It's my first birthday away from my family and I don't see the point in really bothering with it. Wayne seems to be enjoying himself, he's planning on taking me out to dinner - which I don't mind - but I always feel that my birthday is merely a burden to other people and I say not to bother.

 
I have a cat now. She's about a year, we called her Tempest. She's a Siamese and what I swear is calico mix with the strangest colors I've seen on a cat. I'll post pictures at the end of this post. She's a sweetheart - she loves to be picked up and cuddled, sleeps with us constantly and likes to chase my husband around the house. I can't wait until we get the two kittens from Wayne's coworker in August, they will really make the household livelier!
She sleeps behind my chair when I'm on the computer

Ah, summer. I usually get morose this time of year anyway. I don't tan very well, so I end up rather pasty pale every year. I'd rather that than get skin cancer, but still. I'm hardly on the cutting edge of fashion or beauty as it is. I wear a size 14, I'm short and I don't tan. Summer-wise, I'm always on the out. I despise bathing suits and dresses, since I feel I look HUGE. My skin still breaks out - especially from stress - and with all the heat and humidity I can't do much to cover it up like I usually do. I feel out of sorts in this weather, my least attractive season.

Well, below are some pictures I just felt like sharing with anyone interested. 

My husband, brother, myself and father at my wedding on April 22.

My husband and I visiting Skyline Drive in May

Our new baby, Tempest
Big blue eyes
She likes to play video games with Wayne
She also has a raccoon tail

Zamilovaný

What an insane month April has been.

My mom passed away on April 22, Good Friday, at 4:40 am. It was bittersweet, since she was suffering so much it was a relief for her to be at rest. And at the same time, it's my mommy and I'm really lost without her. A piece of my heart is gone and will never be filled.

I was married to my soulmate on April 25, also my late uncle's birthday. I'm moving into an apartment with him on the 20th of this month. It's ten minutes from Fort Bragg, where he's stationed as a mechanic in the Army, which is wonderful. It's exciting and frightening to be moving out, away from my dad and brother. We're only five hours away, which means they can visit a lot and vice versa. We even got a two-bedroom apartment so they can stay with us and visit. We're an hour from the beach, which is great for my dad.

My mom's viewing was on April 26. My dad's sister and mom came down, as well as his cousin, her husband and their daughter. I haven't seen any of them in years and it was a strange reunion. My best friend Anne came back from Seattle the week before, so she was here for my wedding and everything else that happened, which I'm so grateful for.

My mom's funeral was on April 27. I made it through okay, until they wheeled the casket out of the church. Then I started crying.

I don't think anything has really hit me yet. Everything has happened so fast I haven't had time to really sit and absorb any of it. I have my ups and downs - some moments I'm so happy and in love and excited about the future, and other moments I just want to cry and curl up under a rock. I can't decide and I'm not going to try. It's a natural part of everything, grieving and a major life change. My husband is a wonderful man whom I'm proud and lucky to be his wife and he's so patient with me when I need to cry or get moody.

Everything is a roller coaster. I think once I'm moved and I settle in and don't have anything else to focus on, then I'll hit the proverbial wall. Until then, I'm mostly running on nerves and adrenaline and god only knows what else some days.

Laskavost

I wonder if anyone ever uses google translate to figure out what I'm saying. Hrm...just thought of that.

What a freakin' month. Still doing pretty shitty, but thanks to a few friends giving me their numbers and letting me cry and mope to them when I need to, I'm feeling a little positive now. Mom stared chemo and reacted well to it, but now she's got some sort of infection so I'm sort of freaking out.

She's doing a little better this past week. Sleeping a whole lot, but she's gone out a few places and is a little more coherent lately. Which is nice, I'm learning quite a few recipes and shall soon be inundated with my male friends trying to get a free male, hah!

There isn't much going on, other than all the negative crap. Insurance won't pay for chemo or hospital bills - I don't even want to go into that mess. God almighty, you'd think we'd get a break!

But people in our parish, some of them, have been really kind and that's raising our spirits as well. A few women are making us meals on the days mom gets chemo, since we're all too emotionally exhausted to even care about eating then. And so many keep calling, wanting to come over to help with mom, spend time or to tell me that I can call them any time I need some help for anything. I'm actually surprised by their reaction and it's restored my faith in humanity slightly, since I can tell they're sincere in their words and actions.

V Posledním Tažení

My mom has pancreatic cancer. It's advanced fourth stage and aggressive. In three weeks, she went from being uncomfortable to being in such pain she's popping pain pills every hour and can barely stand getting out of the bed. She got a scan last week and we were told the results today.

Without treatment, my mom has six months to live at best. With chemo, who the hell knows, because no one knows if it's going to help until she tries it.

She decided that she's going to do chemotherapy and see if it helps.

I don't know what to do or how to feel. I hate, hate, HATE seeing my mom in constant pain, crying, and I can't do a damn thing about it. All I can do is hold her hand and tell her it's okay to cry. Who can blame her? I'm just numb and it really, really sucks.

Why does my mom have to die? Why can't it be a pedophile, a murderer, a rapist? Why does it have to be my mother - the woman who gave birth to me, who's raised me and who loves me, even if we've had a fucked-up relationship for years? It's not fair and I don't care if people say that life isn't fair. It isn't and I'm not ready to accept it.

I don't really have anyone to talk to. My best friend is in Seattle, Washington with her relatives. The girl I thought was my best friend decided she was more important than my mother and the issues I now have to deal with. And I haven't made myself many close friends, thanks to my intolerance and resistance to doing what people tell me. Do I regret my actions? No, I don't want fair-weather friends. I never have.

But I feel so lonely. My brother has his friends, my dad has people he can talk to. And I don't have a single person. There's a huge difference in talking to someone over the internet and having a good cry with a friend in person. I don't like to cry in front of people, but I don't even get that option. And it really hurts right now.

I know, I'm being selfish. But what can I do right now? I'm being strong for my mom - I dropped three out of four classes, and I'm only taking that one because she wants me to. I don't go anywhere, I don't go see anyone, because I stay at home to take care of my mom, the house, the animals, my dad, my brother. I don't have anyone asking me if I need help, if I need to just go somewhere and cry and not have to listen to trite words of "I'm sorry" or if they can do anything.

All I want is my mom. And I can't have her. And it's not fair. I'm twenty-one years old. She'll never see me graduate college, get married, have kids, move out - any of that stuff.

My heart is breaking. I feel like someone's ripped it out, gutted me and ground me into dust. And if it would keep my mom alive, I'd let them. Instead, all this suffering has no point. I get to watch my mom fade, get weaker and suffer even more - and for what? For NOTHING. Nothing. She'll die anyway and I won't have my mom. What's the point?

There is no point.

Tělo

Uzume was back in the recesses of her soul, allowing the mortal host her free will once more. Tělo had known what the reincarnated part of her soul was planning, was doing, but the goddess of dawn's power far surpassed her own untrained abilities and she had been content to let the goddess take care of the dirty work this time.

She stretched her wings to their full length, the cold air of the mortal realm passing over her skin like a cool breeze instead. Tělo had mastered her power over fire and was able to warm herself from the inside out in both physical and astral form, something her brother had been impressed about. She loved living in the mountains and took a deep breath, despite the fact her physical form was tucked away in bed, safe behind wards. She felt invincible in the night air, resting on the top of a bare tree miles above civilization.

"Enjoying the freedom?" Loki asked, appearing beside his sister, perched just as absently as she with arms crossed over a bent knee.
"What else?" she replied, her hawk-gold eyes glancing in his direction before returning to the stars above.
"Wondering which one is your mother again?" he guessed. Tělo shrugged briefly.
"I can't help but look at them and wonder why they sent me to a mortal body," she mused, reflecting on how different her life could have been had she been given the chance to reside in her true immortal form, rather than inhabit the mortal flesh her spirit had been guided to before conception.
Loki made a noncommittal noise. He claimed her mother's name was unknown even to him, Belial the only being in the universe to have that knowledge. And the fallen archangel refused to speak of her to his daughter, enjoying her demands and wheedling while they had lasted.
"The were?"
"He's fine as far as I know," she replied curtly, the blood tie an irritation at the best of times.
"And the demon?"
"He's fine too," she murmured, having been surprised the being she thought a fae had turned out to be of the demonic nature.

They fell silent and watched the stars brighten in silence, Tělo's wings providing the only unearthly light in the blackness underneath the sky. The falling snow melted on their skin, bothering them not at all. It was a rare, companionable silence for the two siblings. Family they may be, but Loki only cared about his sister as long as she served whatever purposes he had in mind. The feeling was returned by his winged sibling.

Neither had the capacity to truly love another being anymore. It had been lost in different ways for each, but lost nonetheless. Tělo was able to empathize and feel love on a shallow, superficial level. But she had realized she could never love anyone more than herself and while the revelation hurt - she would never have a truly giving love - she had settled the issue and decided to work with what she had. Which was precious little, but more than even some humans had these days.

Hněv

Uzume stood on the edge of the cliff, her magnificent wings stretched out defiantly as she surveyed the valley below. She had been called from the depths of her reincarnation's subconscious mind to deal with the matter at hand. It had gone too far for the woman to handle on her own, even as powerful as she had grown.

"It is indeed fortunate that I was called into a body that isn't even human," the goddess of dawn thought, even while knowing fortune had little to do with it. "Spawn of a fallen archangel and Zodiac. The question remains whether she has inherited any of her father's demonic blood, or was the angel strong enough?" she mused, the question bothering everyone who know her host. Belial was a powerful demon, once a strong archangel, and the host had been conceived before the Fall, his Fall as well.

It was a concern, but the host's Zodiac blood seemed to overwhelm any tendencies the woman might have had towards her demonic nature. The host was becoming extremely adept at controlling her adaptability, a gift from the Zodiac mother - her latest achievement was controlling her body's metabolism to warm areas where she needed it most and direct her body heat consciously. She was also growing stronger, able to communicate with spirits on earth with thoughts rather than emotions and had to learn how to block them before she grew overwhelmed with the voices in her mind.

"You do know I'm only here because of her. I owe you nothing," Fukurokuju growled, wings tucked tightly against his wolf form as he surveyed her. He was accustomed to dealing with the host, not the dormant reincarnation tucked away inside her soul, and was on edge. The demonic werewolf half-breed and Uzume's host had a complicated relationship, one now established on a mutual desire for power, protection and the inability to rid themselves of the inadvertent bond between them. They avoided each other's physical forms as much as possible, but the ability to channel power to each other was an invaluable ability, especially lately.

"She would not have lasted so long without your power," Uzume replied calmly, her wings slowly folding and stretching to the sky. They were her host's wings - her host's body - and they had grown to accommodate the enormous amount of power she could now store in them. He acknowledged the thanks with a low growl.

"Now, now, children, behave," Loki scolded them, appearing on the other side of the pair and smirking, as he was wont to do. "We're here to take care of them, aren't we? So stop bickering, unless you want her to just fade away after you two are ripped apart. That means your bond will be destroyed as well," he reminded the demon-were, turning to glare at him.

The creature displayed impressive fangs. "Let them try."

"They have been," Uzume said shortly. The betraying angel, the succubus and the ignorant youkai - they were attempting to separate her soul from her host's. It would kill the host, send Uzume into the Realms lost, and destroy any and all bonds the physical body possessed. Her power would be gone, up for grabs for whomever was fast enough to find it. "Why do you think she's been pulling at you all week? She's afraid to go to sleep - they can pull her into astral projection easily if she's asleep, so she remains awake all night."

"I know that," Fukurokuju shot back. He cared nothing for the goddess and little for the host. But what little existed was strong and he was reluctant to have it ripped so carelessly from him. "What's the plan?"

"We're going to do what we should have done before," Loki interrupted, his smirk deepening into something much more sinister. Another winged figure appeared next to him - the gambling god who went by the name Sevens and many others, a powerful deity much older than Loki. "We're going to rip them to shreds. Binding their power wasn't enough - now, they die."

"Physically?"

"That's the best part," the newest member replied. "Their physical bodies will remain intact, their human minds stable. But they'll feel the pain, the loss and know exactly what kind of power we've ripped from them. They'll never be able to perform even the most basic ward."

"What has she said?" the demon-were demanded. The host had been bloodthirsty before, but had refused to actually kill these three up until now. Uzume shook her head.

"She has agreed. She wants her soul intact as much as I."

They turned back to the valley, where the betrayers held court in the fallen angel's castle. They had slipped into the realm easily enough thanks to Sevens' power and had surveyed the area. They spread their wings and dropped from the edge, prepared to leave a trail of blood and bodies to achieve their goal.

Koneckonců

Wow, December 31, 2010. The end of another year and what a year it's been!

If I tried to list everything, good and bad, that's happened it would be far too long and I'd miss things anyway. But here's just a taste of how the ride's been:

- broken up with boyfriend of almost three years
- graduated LFCC with two degrees, one in general education and one in education
- started GMU and finished my first semester
- my best friend Noelle moved in with me
- my other best friend Anne moved away to Seattle

And many other things I either don't want to share or can't share - too private in any case.

Looking back on the year - I WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE FUCK IT WENT.
I lost it! It's gone and it doesn't feel like it should be over. What the hell?

Do I regret stuff? Of course I do, but I don't regret the time going by. I think a lot of good stuff happened this year, as well as a lot of bad stuff. I'm not sure if it managed to balance it all out in the end, but hopefully next year will be able to make some reparations.

Any New Years' resolutions? Heck no! For one thing, I never keep them. I guess the only thing you could say I'm resolved to do is survive. Keep going, try to keep my head above water and make it through another year without becoming too much of a horrible being.