Wow, December 31, 2010. The end of another year and what a year it's been!
If I tried to list everything, good and bad, that's happened it would be far too long and I'd miss things anyway. But here's just a taste of how the ride's been:
- broken up with boyfriend of almost three years
- graduated LFCC with two degrees, one in general education and one in education
- started GMU and finished my first semester
- my best friend Noelle moved in with me
- my other best friend Anne moved away to Seattle
And many other things I either don't want to share or can't share - too private in any case.
Looking back on the year - I WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE FUCK IT WENT.
I lost it! It's gone and it doesn't feel like it should be over. What the hell?
Do I regret stuff? Of course I do, but I don't regret the time going by. I think a lot of good stuff happened this year, as well as a lot of bad stuff. I'm not sure if it managed to balance it all out in the end, but hopefully next year will be able to make some reparations.
Any New Years' resolutions? Heck no! For one thing, I never keep them. I guess the only thing you could say I'm resolved to do is survive. Keep going, try to keep my head above water and make it through another year without becoming too much of a horrible being.
Blah, blah, blah....
No, this is not that godforsaken Ke$ha song. And you know how long it took me to figure out how to pronounce her name? I won't even go there.
No, instead this is just my random musings since I'm pretty bored and have no motivation to do anything productive whatsoever. This doesn't count, since it in no way furthers my ambitions to rule the world and then delegate pretty much everything anyway. Which is why I don't really plan on taking over the world - in reality, it'd be way too much responsibility and far too much effort for not a great amount of results.
Finished up my first semester at GMU with an A- and three Bs. Considering how stressed out I've been all freakin' semester, I'm inordinately pleased with those grades. I want to get As all next semester, as a matter of personal ethical pride, but I'm happy with these. I told my dad that if he wanted to motivate me to finish my degree instead of dropping out after this spring, he could start saving up for a trip to take me to California. NOT the beach! I want to see the redwood forests before they die off. They're already starting to, all the smog from LA and the surrounding cities gets caught in the atmosphere sink above the forests and kills the trees from all the chemicals. That's something I learned last spring in my biology class and I still remember almost everything I learned. Best biology class ever.
Wow, tangent alert!
Roleplay. It's a dirty word to most people who I know. To them, it means those scary people who get obsessed over internet identities - or worse, those people who dress up as their characters and actually act it out. Other than Broadway, I think it's called LARPing or something. I know nothing of it, other than what I've heard on the rumor mill. I roleplay (RP) with some friends over the internet - one has been going on for about three years now, actually, on and off as dictated by schoolwork and family.
Why do I like it? Well, for once, I'm a writer and I like RPing because it keeps my mind active and in practice. RPing with other people gives me new ideas and helps me develop better characters in response to another person's actions, rather than just me dictating everything. Plus, it's just fun to take out your moods on a character, making up the most ridiculous situations with no one to criticize, as we just do it for the fun of it.
I do know some people who are very serious about it and they scare me.
No, instead this is just my random musings since I'm pretty bored and have no motivation to do anything productive whatsoever. This doesn't count, since it in no way furthers my ambitions to rule the world and then delegate pretty much everything anyway. Which is why I don't really plan on taking over the world - in reality, it'd be way too much responsibility and far too much effort for not a great amount of results.
Finished up my first semester at GMU with an A- and three Bs. Considering how stressed out I've been all freakin' semester, I'm inordinately pleased with those grades. I want to get As all next semester, as a matter of personal ethical pride, but I'm happy with these. I told my dad that if he wanted to motivate me to finish my degree instead of dropping out after this spring, he could start saving up for a trip to take me to California. NOT the beach! I want to see the redwood forests before they die off. They're already starting to, all the smog from LA and the surrounding cities gets caught in the atmosphere sink above the forests and kills the trees from all the chemicals. That's something I learned last spring in my biology class and I still remember almost everything I learned. Best biology class ever.
Wow, tangent alert!
Roleplay. It's a dirty word to most people who I know. To them, it means those scary people who get obsessed over internet identities - or worse, those people who dress up as their characters and actually act it out. Other than Broadway, I think it's called LARPing or something. I know nothing of it, other than what I've heard on the rumor mill. I roleplay (RP) with some friends over the internet - one has been going on for about three years now, actually, on and off as dictated by schoolwork and family.
Why do I like it? Well, for once, I'm a writer and I like RPing because it keeps my mind active and in practice. RPing with other people gives me new ideas and helps me develop better characters in response to another person's actions, rather than just me dictating everything. Plus, it's just fun to take out your moods on a character, making up the most ridiculous situations with no one to criticize, as we just do it for the fun of it.
I do know some people who are very serious about it and they scare me.
Zamilovat se do Sebe
I'm in a bit of a musing mood tonight. Could be because I'm overtired, or it could be from the confusion in my own heart lately.
What is love?
It's an age-old question and I think everyone will have a different answer.
For me, it's simply loving me for me. Hah - I said 'simply' in correlation with 'love'! I think that might be the hardest thing to do, and yet, there are people who do exactly that. They accept me for me, all my flaws, insecurities and strangeness wrapped in one package. It may not be romantic love, but it's assuredly far more fulfilling than any kind of shallow love I've experienced up to now.
There are so many different kinds of love. Unselfish, selfish, one-sided, obsessive, shallow, romantic, platonic, filial, friends...the list could go on and I don't think I could name all of them. Note how I didn't include 'lust' in there, although I know quite a few people who say that's a form of love. No, it isn't. Lust and love are two different things, no matter what kind of love you're talking about.
How do you know when you're in love with someone? I wish I knew. I thought I was once and maybe I was. But in return for that trust, I got my heart ripped out and stomped on and even now I'm not sure if I can trust someone that much again. I want to, I'd like to - but I haven't met anyone I can. Maybe someone who was there for me before and is still here for me. But how do I know? It could just be transference or dependence, a desperate need for someone to be there for me unconditionally. I don't want that, that isn't fair. It could be a crush, or just reading far too much into an affection that's always been between us.
I want to believe it's love. I do. I even think, deep down, it might be. I feel different, even a new sort of feeling I never had with the other 'love'. It's new and confusing and vaguely frightening - did I mention I have control issues? It's scary, feeling something and not knowing why I am or what's causing it. I try not to fantasize, to build castles in the air.
Words of an eternal pessimist. I'd rather be constantly surprised than disappointed and it's a motto that's actually held me in good stead all these years. The only times I get excited over something, get my hopes up and put my heart into it, my life crumbles in front of me and I have nothing to pick up the pieces. So I'm scared, because I'm really excited about this. I'm feeling new and strange and happy - a word that hasn't been used to describe me in quite some time.
Am I setting myself up again? It almost feels like it. I want it so badly. Even if it isn't love, isn't meant to be - I don't want to be destroyed again. I'd rather just find out right quick and go back to usual, not invest myself and look forward to something and love something just to be abandoned again.
I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to run away, to just stop it now and pretend nothing ever happened. To not open myself up for another world of hurt and pain and loneliness that I feel will follow. And another part of me tells me that it's something new, something inherently right for me.
And I think that scares me even more.
What is love?
It's an age-old question and I think everyone will have a different answer.
For me, it's simply loving me for me. Hah - I said 'simply' in correlation with 'love'! I think that might be the hardest thing to do, and yet, there are people who do exactly that. They accept me for me, all my flaws, insecurities and strangeness wrapped in one package. It may not be romantic love, but it's assuredly far more fulfilling than any kind of shallow love I've experienced up to now.
There are so many different kinds of love. Unselfish, selfish, one-sided, obsessive, shallow, romantic, platonic, filial, friends...the list could go on and I don't think I could name all of them. Note how I didn't include 'lust' in there, although I know quite a few people who say that's a form of love. No, it isn't. Lust and love are two different things, no matter what kind of love you're talking about.
How do you know when you're in love with someone? I wish I knew. I thought I was once and maybe I was. But in return for that trust, I got my heart ripped out and stomped on and even now I'm not sure if I can trust someone that much again. I want to, I'd like to - but I haven't met anyone I can. Maybe someone who was there for me before and is still here for me. But how do I know? It could just be transference or dependence, a desperate need for someone to be there for me unconditionally. I don't want that, that isn't fair. It could be a crush, or just reading far too much into an affection that's always been between us.
I want to believe it's love. I do. I even think, deep down, it might be. I feel different, even a new sort of feeling I never had with the other 'love'. It's new and confusing and vaguely frightening - did I mention I have control issues? It's scary, feeling something and not knowing why I am or what's causing it. I try not to fantasize, to build castles in the air.
Words of an eternal pessimist. I'd rather be constantly surprised than disappointed and it's a motto that's actually held me in good stead all these years. The only times I get excited over something, get my hopes up and put my heart into it, my life crumbles in front of me and I have nothing to pick up the pieces. So I'm scared, because I'm really excited about this. I'm feeling new and strange and happy - a word that hasn't been used to describe me in quite some time.
Am I setting myself up again? It almost feels like it. I want it so badly. Even if it isn't love, isn't meant to be - I don't want to be destroyed again. I'd rather just find out right quick and go back to usual, not invest myself and look forward to something and love something just to be abandoned again.
I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to run away, to just stop it now and pretend nothing ever happened. To not open myself up for another world of hurt and pain and loneliness that I feel will follow. And another part of me tells me that it's something new, something inherently right for me.
And I think that scares me even more.
Drahoušek
Yes, she lives! Uzume rises from the ashes like the proverbial phoenix.
Wow. So much has happened to me since the last time I posted. I conquered midterms for GMU, as well as crushing depression that had me seriously considering just ending it - oh, screw putting it nicely. I was thinking about suicide, eating a lot of pills and just not waking up again.
Luckily, I had my friends and my dad to pull me from that abyss. It still lingers in the back of my mind, but not as a serious thought. More like an echo of the despair that's still deep inside me. It's not something I can just erase with one shot, but I am able to ignore the call of the easy way out.
I also think I might have found someone whom I can count on. I don't want to go into detail, just because it's something I don't want to jinx. It's someone I've known for over four years and there's always been something between us. He's always been there for me and a good friend. I recently got to talk to him over the phone, something we do frequently now, and I enjoy it. I'm confused, but it's in a good way. I've never felt quite like I am now and my friends tell me I'm acting "more like you". I didn't know I wasn't acting like me! But apparently I am now, I'm happier and just "more me" is all I can get out of them. They say it's hard to explain.
One of my two best friends is moving before Christmas to Seattle to live with her uncle and his family. I'm really sad about that, I'll miss her. But at the same time, I know it's something that's important for her and will help her, so I'm happy about it. And we can talk, Skype, and text, so at least I'll be able to contact her!
Finals are around the corner and another semester will be conquered. My friend is visiting from Florida in January over my break and I'm so excited about it! It's definitely something to look forward to with all this studying in my near future.
Well, I wish everyone luck for the holiday season, in case I don't post again for a while!
Wow. So much has happened to me since the last time I posted. I conquered midterms for GMU, as well as crushing depression that had me seriously considering just ending it - oh, screw putting it nicely. I was thinking about suicide, eating a lot of pills and just not waking up again.
Luckily, I had my friends and my dad to pull me from that abyss. It still lingers in the back of my mind, but not as a serious thought. More like an echo of the despair that's still deep inside me. It's not something I can just erase with one shot, but I am able to ignore the call of the easy way out.
I also think I might have found someone whom I can count on. I don't want to go into detail, just because it's something I don't want to jinx. It's someone I've known for over four years and there's always been something between us. He's always been there for me and a good friend. I recently got to talk to him over the phone, something we do frequently now, and I enjoy it. I'm confused, but it's in a good way. I've never felt quite like I am now and my friends tell me I'm acting "more like you". I didn't know I wasn't acting like me! But apparently I am now, I'm happier and just "more me" is all I can get out of them. They say it's hard to explain.
One of my two best friends is moving before Christmas to Seattle to live with her uncle and his family. I'm really sad about that, I'll miss her. But at the same time, I know it's something that's important for her and will help her, so I'm happy about it. And we can talk, Skype, and text, so at least I'll be able to contact her!
Finals are around the corner and another semester will be conquered. My friend is visiting from Florida in January over my break and I'm so excited about it! It's definitely something to look forward to with all this studying in my near future.
Well, I wish everyone luck for the holiday season, in case I don't post again for a while!
The Illusion of Free Will
After a deep conversation / rant with my two best friends Anne and Noelle, I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as free will.
It came about when we were talking about how men have it easier - no periods, no hymen, no cravings, no hormones, no pregnancy, etc. My friend made a remark, something along the lines of, "Damn Eve and that apple!" To which I replied that God set them up for failure. Hey, he created man, set a big-ass tree in the middle of the Garden and then said, "Hey, don't touch this. It's awesome and great, but you can't have it." And if he's omnipotent, it stands to reason that he knew what was going to happen!
Unfair.
So, there is no such thing as free will. We're told that we're left to make our own decisions and God doesn't dictate our paths to us. But at the same time, God is supposed to know what's going to happen to us, right? How can he know what's going to happen to us - in advance - if there isn't already a path set for us? Just because we don't know what path we're set on doesn't mean that there isn't one. If someone knows what's going to happen in advance, just because we don't, doesn't mean there's a choice. There is an illusion of choice.
If you stick a rat in a maze and let it run where it will, you can't say that the rat has free will to go where it will. Lost and blind does not equal free will. Because we all know the rat is stuck. Again, just because the rat doesn't know where it's going doesn't mean it's choosing where it will end up.
Ergo, free will is an illusion. God knows what will happen to us, he can't claim that we have free will if our fate is already set in stone. Just because we don't know what's going to happen doesn't mean we're choosing. We're just going in blind and thinking we're having a choice, that we have free will and we are in control of our fate. But in reality, the simple fact is that we just don't know what's going on. There are no turns, we just think there are.
Blind and lost does not equal free will. It equals an illusion.
It came about when we were talking about how men have it easier - no periods, no hymen, no cravings, no hormones, no pregnancy, etc. My friend made a remark, something along the lines of, "Damn Eve and that apple!" To which I replied that God set them up for failure. Hey, he created man, set a big-ass tree in the middle of the Garden and then said, "Hey, don't touch this. It's awesome and great, but you can't have it." And if he's omnipotent, it stands to reason that he knew what was going to happen!
Unfair.
So, there is no such thing as free will. We're told that we're left to make our own decisions and God doesn't dictate our paths to us. But at the same time, God is supposed to know what's going to happen to us, right? How can he know what's going to happen to us - in advance - if there isn't already a path set for us? Just because we don't know what path we're set on doesn't mean that there isn't one. If someone knows what's going to happen in advance, just because we don't, doesn't mean there's a choice. There is an illusion of choice.
If you stick a rat in a maze and let it run where it will, you can't say that the rat has free will to go where it will. Lost and blind does not equal free will. Because we all know the rat is stuck. Again, just because the rat doesn't know where it's going doesn't mean it's choosing where it will end up.
Ergo, free will is an illusion. God knows what will happen to us, he can't claim that we have free will if our fate is already set in stone. Just because we don't know what's going to happen doesn't mean we're choosing. We're just going in blind and thinking we're having a choice, that we have free will and we are in control of our fate. But in reality, the simple fact is that we just don't know what's going on. There are no turns, we just think there are.
Blind and lost does not equal free will. It equals an illusion.
Věk
Whew, been a while since I last posted anything. So much going on and I have no idea where to start!
School first, nice and professional. I've got one midterm left, two down already. I was freaking out for a while, since it's the first midterms I've taken in months, but once I actually sat down and starting looking at them, I couldn't believe how easy they seemed. So, here's hoping I didn't just ail all my midterms and classes...
I got a new phone, the improved version of the Samsung Impression by AT&T. My last one got dropped into the toilet. After sitting in rice for three days, it came back to life for another two weeks before just dying on me one day. I've pretty much adapted to this new version, it's not too different and it gets better signal in my room.
Back to being single, although I went on a double-date last night to go see the new movie, RED. Morgan Freeman is God and Bruce Willis is Jesus, we decided....
Anyway, the last guy didn't work out. Way too stupid and immature, loads of drama and unnecessary stress and shit. So I cut him loose as soon as I realized it wasn't gonna work at all. I'm not ready to get into an official relationship for a long time, but I still want to date and have fun. I'm twenty-one, for god's sake! So, I hope things go smoothly and the drama all dies down from everything.
My other best friend, Noelle, moved in last night with us. She's set up in the rec room in the basement and we're sharing a bathroom and closet. It's pretty awesome, since we both get a whole new wardrobe, no shopping required. It's working out really well, we've already adapted so quick to having each other around that when one of us is gone overnight, the other one gets lonely! We both found it funny.
It's pretty bad. Even though I haven't posted in a while, there's still not much to say. I guess on one hand, that's a good thing. On the other hand, I could use some good excitement right around now...
School first, nice and professional. I've got one midterm left, two down already. I was freaking out for a while, since it's the first midterms I've taken in months, but once I actually sat down and starting looking at them, I couldn't believe how easy they seemed. So, here's hoping I didn't just ail all my midterms and classes...
I got a new phone, the improved version of the Samsung Impression by AT&T. My last one got dropped into the toilet. After sitting in rice for three days, it came back to life for another two weeks before just dying on me one day. I've pretty much adapted to this new version, it's not too different and it gets better signal in my room.
Back to being single, although I went on a double-date last night to go see the new movie, RED. Morgan Freeman is God and Bruce Willis is Jesus, we decided....
Anyway, the last guy didn't work out. Way too stupid and immature, loads of drama and unnecessary stress and shit. So I cut him loose as soon as I realized it wasn't gonna work at all. I'm not ready to get into an official relationship for a long time, but I still want to date and have fun. I'm twenty-one, for god's sake! So, I hope things go smoothly and the drama all dies down from everything.
My other best friend, Noelle, moved in last night with us. She's set up in the rec room in the basement and we're sharing a bathroom and closet. It's pretty awesome, since we both get a whole new wardrobe, no shopping required. It's working out really well, we've already adapted so quick to having each other around that when one of us is gone overnight, the other one gets lonely! We both found it funny.
It's pretty bad. Even though I haven't posted in a while, there's still not much to say. I guess on one hand, that's a good thing. On the other hand, I could use some good excitement right around now...
Myšlení
Been a while since I've posted anything.
Have been very busy with schoolwork, especially my English coursework. I knew an online class would have a lot of writing to do, as well as an English class - but my brain is starting to just shut down. And so I plod along, procrastinating and trying to force myself to get work done. So far I'm doing okay, let's hope I don't collapse during midterms. Thank god none of them are on the same day as another, so it's one at a time.
Let's see. I've also been going out with a new guy - Data is his actual name. We've known each other for almost a year now, but we just started to date about a month ago. My commitment issues are trying to rear their ugly head and almost find ways to make me run for it, but I'm having none of it. I just unload on my two best friends and get some help for it. Usually I'm the one to say, "go with your gut," but not in this case when I know it's just bad past experiences clouding my judgment and not instinct. He's really sweet and I can tell he cares about me. I just need to teach him that he doesn't have to take me out to places to show that - I just want respect, which he gives me.
Recently told a friend quite a lot of frankly unbelievable things about myself and the world in general. I hope she'll eventually believe me, after thinking it all over, but if she doesn't it's okay. It was more the fact I felt bad hiding things from her. If she decides it's all too much, then that's the last she'll ever hear of it. I just wanted things out in the open. And what's scary is she told me she knew I was hiding something from her - that only made me feel worse. So we'll see where it all goes, I'm just glad I was honest in the end no matter where it leads.
It's NFL jersey day at my old campus. I even borrowed a Giants jersey from said friend to wear today, so when I get into fights with Steelers and Cowboys fans they know why - and then realized I have a paper to finish and if I went I'd never get it done. So, no fights for me today. It's also raining, so I hope it isn't going to be really bad tonight. I don't mind driving in rain - it's the reflections and not being able to see the lines on the road that I hate.
All right, I've used this blog as an excuse to procrastinate enough. I'm getting back into my writing mood too, so hopefully this paper will be done soon and I can go eat.
Have been very busy with schoolwork, especially my English coursework. I knew an online class would have a lot of writing to do, as well as an English class - but my brain is starting to just shut down. And so I plod along, procrastinating and trying to force myself to get work done. So far I'm doing okay, let's hope I don't collapse during midterms. Thank god none of them are on the same day as another, so it's one at a time.
Let's see. I've also been going out with a new guy - Data is his actual name. We've known each other for almost a year now, but we just started to date about a month ago. My commitment issues are trying to rear their ugly head and almost find ways to make me run for it, but I'm having none of it. I just unload on my two best friends and get some help for it. Usually I'm the one to say, "go with your gut," but not in this case when I know it's just bad past experiences clouding my judgment and not instinct. He's really sweet and I can tell he cares about me. I just need to teach him that he doesn't have to take me out to places to show that - I just want respect, which he gives me.
Recently told a friend quite a lot of frankly unbelievable things about myself and the world in general. I hope she'll eventually believe me, after thinking it all over, but if she doesn't it's okay. It was more the fact I felt bad hiding things from her. If she decides it's all too much, then that's the last she'll ever hear of it. I just wanted things out in the open. And what's scary is she told me she knew I was hiding something from her - that only made me feel worse. So we'll see where it all goes, I'm just glad I was honest in the end no matter where it leads.
It's NFL jersey day at my old campus. I even borrowed a Giants jersey from said friend to wear today, so when I get into fights with Steelers and Cowboys fans they know why - and then realized I have a paper to finish and if I went I'd never get it done. So, no fights for me today. It's also raining, so I hope it isn't going to be really bad tonight. I don't mind driving in rain - it's the reflections and not being able to see the lines on the road that I hate.
All right, I've used this blog as an excuse to procrastinate enough. I'm getting back into my writing mood too, so hopefully this paper will be done soon and I can go eat.
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