After a deep conversation / rant with my two best friends Anne and Noelle, I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as free will.
It came about when we were talking about how men have it easier - no periods, no hymen, no cravings, no hormones, no pregnancy, etc. My friend made a remark, something along the lines of, "Damn Eve and that apple!" To which I replied that God set them up for failure. Hey, he created man, set a big-ass tree in the middle of the Garden and then said, "Hey, don't touch this. It's awesome and great, but you can't have it." And if he's omnipotent, it stands to reason that he knew what was going to happen!
Unfair.
So, there is no such thing as free will. We're told that we're left to make our own decisions and God doesn't dictate our paths to us. But at the same time, God is supposed to know what's going to happen to us, right? How can he know what's going to happen to us - in advance - if there isn't already a path set for us? Just because we don't know what path we're set on doesn't mean that there isn't one. If someone knows what's going to happen in advance, just because we don't, doesn't mean there's a choice. There is an illusion of choice.
If you stick a rat in a maze and let it run where it will, you can't say that the rat has free will to go where it will. Lost and blind does not equal free will. Because we all know the rat is stuck. Again, just because the rat doesn't know where it's going doesn't mean it's choosing where it will end up.
Ergo, free will is an illusion. God knows what will happen to us, he can't claim that we have free will if our fate is already set in stone. Just because we don't know what's going to happen doesn't mean we're choosing. We're just going in blind and thinking we're having a choice, that we have free will and we are in control of our fate. But in reality, the simple fact is that we just don't know what's going on. There are no turns, we just think there are.
Blind and lost does not equal free will. It equals an illusion.
Věk
Whew, been a while since I last posted anything. So much going on and I have no idea where to start!
School first, nice and professional. I've got one midterm left, two down already. I was freaking out for a while, since it's the first midterms I've taken in months, but once I actually sat down and starting looking at them, I couldn't believe how easy they seemed. So, here's hoping I didn't just ail all my midterms and classes...
I got a new phone, the improved version of the Samsung Impression by AT&T. My last one got dropped into the toilet. After sitting in rice for three days, it came back to life for another two weeks before just dying on me one day. I've pretty much adapted to this new version, it's not too different and it gets better signal in my room.
Back to being single, although I went on a double-date last night to go see the new movie, RED. Morgan Freeman is God and Bruce Willis is Jesus, we decided....
Anyway, the last guy didn't work out. Way too stupid and immature, loads of drama and unnecessary stress and shit. So I cut him loose as soon as I realized it wasn't gonna work at all. I'm not ready to get into an official relationship for a long time, but I still want to date and have fun. I'm twenty-one, for god's sake! So, I hope things go smoothly and the drama all dies down from everything.
My other best friend, Noelle, moved in last night with us. She's set up in the rec room in the basement and we're sharing a bathroom and closet. It's pretty awesome, since we both get a whole new wardrobe, no shopping required. It's working out really well, we've already adapted so quick to having each other around that when one of us is gone overnight, the other one gets lonely! We both found it funny.
It's pretty bad. Even though I haven't posted in a while, there's still not much to say. I guess on one hand, that's a good thing. On the other hand, I could use some good excitement right around now...
School first, nice and professional. I've got one midterm left, two down already. I was freaking out for a while, since it's the first midterms I've taken in months, but once I actually sat down and starting looking at them, I couldn't believe how easy they seemed. So, here's hoping I didn't just ail all my midterms and classes...
I got a new phone, the improved version of the Samsung Impression by AT&T. My last one got dropped into the toilet. After sitting in rice for three days, it came back to life for another two weeks before just dying on me one day. I've pretty much adapted to this new version, it's not too different and it gets better signal in my room.
Back to being single, although I went on a double-date last night to go see the new movie, RED. Morgan Freeman is God and Bruce Willis is Jesus, we decided....
Anyway, the last guy didn't work out. Way too stupid and immature, loads of drama and unnecessary stress and shit. So I cut him loose as soon as I realized it wasn't gonna work at all. I'm not ready to get into an official relationship for a long time, but I still want to date and have fun. I'm twenty-one, for god's sake! So, I hope things go smoothly and the drama all dies down from everything.
My other best friend, Noelle, moved in last night with us. She's set up in the rec room in the basement and we're sharing a bathroom and closet. It's pretty awesome, since we both get a whole new wardrobe, no shopping required. It's working out really well, we've already adapted so quick to having each other around that when one of us is gone overnight, the other one gets lonely! We both found it funny.
It's pretty bad. Even though I haven't posted in a while, there's still not much to say. I guess on one hand, that's a good thing. On the other hand, I could use some good excitement right around now...
Myšlení
Been a while since I've posted anything.
Have been very busy with schoolwork, especially my English coursework. I knew an online class would have a lot of writing to do, as well as an English class - but my brain is starting to just shut down. And so I plod along, procrastinating and trying to force myself to get work done. So far I'm doing okay, let's hope I don't collapse during midterms. Thank god none of them are on the same day as another, so it's one at a time.
Let's see. I've also been going out with a new guy - Data is his actual name. We've known each other for almost a year now, but we just started to date about a month ago. My commitment issues are trying to rear their ugly head and almost find ways to make me run for it, but I'm having none of it. I just unload on my two best friends and get some help for it. Usually I'm the one to say, "go with your gut," but not in this case when I know it's just bad past experiences clouding my judgment and not instinct. He's really sweet and I can tell he cares about me. I just need to teach him that he doesn't have to take me out to places to show that - I just want respect, which he gives me.
Recently told a friend quite a lot of frankly unbelievable things about myself and the world in general. I hope she'll eventually believe me, after thinking it all over, but if she doesn't it's okay. It was more the fact I felt bad hiding things from her. If she decides it's all too much, then that's the last she'll ever hear of it. I just wanted things out in the open. And what's scary is she told me she knew I was hiding something from her - that only made me feel worse. So we'll see where it all goes, I'm just glad I was honest in the end no matter where it leads.
It's NFL jersey day at my old campus. I even borrowed a Giants jersey from said friend to wear today, so when I get into fights with Steelers and Cowboys fans they know why - and then realized I have a paper to finish and if I went I'd never get it done. So, no fights for me today. It's also raining, so I hope it isn't going to be really bad tonight. I don't mind driving in rain - it's the reflections and not being able to see the lines on the road that I hate.
All right, I've used this blog as an excuse to procrastinate enough. I'm getting back into my writing mood too, so hopefully this paper will be done soon and I can go eat.
Have been very busy with schoolwork, especially my English coursework. I knew an online class would have a lot of writing to do, as well as an English class - but my brain is starting to just shut down. And so I plod along, procrastinating and trying to force myself to get work done. So far I'm doing okay, let's hope I don't collapse during midterms. Thank god none of them are on the same day as another, so it's one at a time.
Let's see. I've also been going out with a new guy - Data is his actual name. We've known each other for almost a year now, but we just started to date about a month ago. My commitment issues are trying to rear their ugly head and almost find ways to make me run for it, but I'm having none of it. I just unload on my two best friends and get some help for it. Usually I'm the one to say, "go with your gut," but not in this case when I know it's just bad past experiences clouding my judgment and not instinct. He's really sweet and I can tell he cares about me. I just need to teach him that he doesn't have to take me out to places to show that - I just want respect, which he gives me.
Recently told a friend quite a lot of frankly unbelievable things about myself and the world in general. I hope she'll eventually believe me, after thinking it all over, but if she doesn't it's okay. It was more the fact I felt bad hiding things from her. If she decides it's all too much, then that's the last she'll ever hear of it. I just wanted things out in the open. And what's scary is she told me she knew I was hiding something from her - that only made me feel worse. So we'll see where it all goes, I'm just glad I was honest in the end no matter where it leads.
It's NFL jersey day at my old campus. I even borrowed a Giants jersey from said friend to wear today, so when I get into fights with Steelers and Cowboys fans they know why - and then realized I have a paper to finish and if I went I'd never get it done. So, no fights for me today. It's also raining, so I hope it isn't going to be really bad tonight. I don't mind driving in rain - it's the reflections and not being able to see the lines on the road that I hate.
All right, I've used this blog as an excuse to procrastinate enough. I'm getting back into my writing mood too, so hopefully this paper will be done soon and I can go eat.
Bojovat
She could feel his presence before he appeared beside her, wings folded neatly on his back. He preferred his wolf form when they met - it made their relationship less strained. Betrayal had brought them closer, distrust fading into the shadows cast by the light of discovery. The moon hung overhead, as it did every night, the sky crystal clear. The Harvest Spirit had been returned the night before, a messy business, and even the humans could feel the peace in the air.
She was tired. Breaking the Triangle of Solomon on the pup had been difficult, even with Loki's knowledge and power, and two major nights in a row were beginning to wear her down. The only positive thing she had gotten out of it was her wing returned. The Harvest Spirit had given her all the magic her body needed to regrow, as a way to repay Uzume for finding her. She flexed it experimentally and smiled - her exhaustion would be worse if her wing was gone as well.
"You shouldn't have wasted your energy on that damn dog," Fukurokuju grumbled, sitting down next to her on the grass. Her brother had taken her to his realm in an effort to get her more rest, the demon-were only able to find her through their bond.
"I had to break that thing, it was disgusting," she replied. "And his energy was almost completely sealed away."
"It was his own fault. I'm surprised Loki let you do it," he continued sourly. "Much less help you."
Uzume shrugged. She had been surprised as well by how easily her brother had agreed to help. Perhaps it was a soft spot for wolves, or it could be her own soft spot for that particular youkai. Whatever it was, she was glad with the end result. It would take the wolf youkai some time to readjust to his full energy - and get his tail back - but she was already surprised by the amount of energy he had. It had multiplied tenfold in just a few hours.
"You don't get a say in any of this," Loki remarked, appearing behind them. A displeased look was in his silver-blue eyes as he crouched behind his sister, running a palm possessively over her returned wing. Fukurokuju made an effort to return the glare only for a moment before giving up.
"I'm surprised you let the pup anywhere near her," the demon-were argued. The trickster god was forced to agree, a grumble in the back of his throat.
"Would you two stop it?" Uzume demanded, her tone lacking any real anger. "I have enough problems to deal with right now, wouldn't you agree?"
They fell silent at her reminder. The angel had betrayed them, bound her companions with the help of whichever infernal demon she had sold herself to. They had allies, at least, but it was worrisome that the dragon seemed to be on the angel's side despite their best efforts. There were too many things, including another hunter, for them to worry about. Only that day she had been forced to astral project while driving in her mortal body to protect her human - Loki had taken over her body and kept it from being killed in a wreck of metal and fire. Petty arguments was not needed.
"Just rest for a few days. You need your strength because I'm not driving again anytime soon," Loki remarked, stroking her wings a few more times before rising. "I'm going to see Sevens."
She nodded absently, relaxing under the caresses while he disappeared. The demon-were remained next to her, unhappily allowing her to siphon his strength for her own use.
It was as peaceful as they were ever going to get.
She was tired. Breaking the Triangle of Solomon on the pup had been difficult, even with Loki's knowledge and power, and two major nights in a row were beginning to wear her down. The only positive thing she had gotten out of it was her wing returned. The Harvest Spirit had given her all the magic her body needed to regrow, as a way to repay Uzume for finding her. She flexed it experimentally and smiled - her exhaustion would be worse if her wing was gone as well.
"You shouldn't have wasted your energy on that damn dog," Fukurokuju grumbled, sitting down next to her on the grass. Her brother had taken her to his realm in an effort to get her more rest, the demon-were only able to find her through their bond.
"I had to break that thing, it was disgusting," she replied. "And his energy was almost completely sealed away."
"It was his own fault. I'm surprised Loki let you do it," he continued sourly. "Much less help you."
Uzume shrugged. She had been surprised as well by how easily her brother had agreed to help. Perhaps it was a soft spot for wolves, or it could be her own soft spot for that particular youkai. Whatever it was, she was glad with the end result. It would take the wolf youkai some time to readjust to his full energy - and get his tail back - but she was already surprised by the amount of energy he had. It had multiplied tenfold in just a few hours.
"You don't get a say in any of this," Loki remarked, appearing behind them. A displeased look was in his silver-blue eyes as he crouched behind his sister, running a palm possessively over her returned wing. Fukurokuju made an effort to return the glare only for a moment before giving up.
"I'm surprised you let the pup anywhere near her," the demon-were argued. The trickster god was forced to agree, a grumble in the back of his throat.
"Would you two stop it?" Uzume demanded, her tone lacking any real anger. "I have enough problems to deal with right now, wouldn't you agree?"
They fell silent at her reminder. The angel had betrayed them, bound her companions with the help of whichever infernal demon she had sold herself to. They had allies, at least, but it was worrisome that the dragon seemed to be on the angel's side despite their best efforts. There were too many things, including another hunter, for them to worry about. Only that day she had been forced to astral project while driving in her mortal body to protect her human - Loki had taken over her body and kept it from being killed in a wreck of metal and fire. Petty arguments was not needed.
"Just rest for a few days. You need your strength because I'm not driving again anytime soon," Loki remarked, stroking her wings a few more times before rising. "I'm going to see Sevens."
She nodded absently, relaxing under the caresses while he disappeared. The demon-were remained next to her, unhappily allowing her to siphon his strength for her own use.
It was as peaceful as they were ever going to get.
Life
I've decided that I'm not ready to date yet.
For one thing, it causes way too much drama with my family that I just don't have the energy - emotionally or physically - to deal with right now. But that's not the main reason, not at all.
I think I'm just not ready, period. Yes, I miss the intimacy, both sexual and emotional. But that's not enough, I think, to start dating. I was with my stupid ex for almost three years and I've only been single for seven months. While in context that seems like a good amount of time, relatively I don't think it is. I think I'm still too emotionally clingy and - dare I say - vulnerable. What could be a fling for someone else and for me could turn into something more on my end, simply because of that attachment. I do want the intimacy and being with someone, all that stuff.
Which is exactly why I don't think I should date. Desperate, I am not. I know that. However, I do think I'm still at the stage where I could fall for the first guy to show me 'love' and I don't want to go through that again. I'm 21 years old, single and starting my life anew this fall. I've grown up over the summer, lost a lot of weight, made drastic changes in my life - I want to enjoy it.
Plain and simple: I don't think I want to be tied down in any way, shape or form just yet. I want to enjoy what I've got right now and roll with what life throws at me.
For one thing, it causes way too much drama with my family that I just don't have the energy - emotionally or physically - to deal with right now. But that's not the main reason, not at all.
I think I'm just not ready, period. Yes, I miss the intimacy, both sexual and emotional. But that's not enough, I think, to start dating. I was with my stupid ex for almost three years and I've only been single for seven months. While in context that seems like a good amount of time, relatively I don't think it is. I think I'm still too emotionally clingy and - dare I say - vulnerable. What could be a fling for someone else and for me could turn into something more on my end, simply because of that attachment. I do want the intimacy and being with someone, all that stuff.
Which is exactly why I don't think I should date. Desperate, I am not. I know that. However, I do think I'm still at the stage where I could fall for the first guy to show me 'love' and I don't want to go through that again. I'm 21 years old, single and starting my life anew this fall. I've grown up over the summer, lost a lot of weight, made drastic changes in my life - I want to enjoy it.
Plain and simple: I don't think I want to be tied down in any way, shape or form just yet. I want to enjoy what I've got right now and roll with what life throws at me.
Looking Up
This week was one of many firsts!
I started classes at George Mason. Criminal Law, Criminal Ethics, English 300, and Juvenile Delinquency. I'm enjoying them and it's only the first week, so here's hoping that continues. Projects for all them, but nothing that made me go, "OhmygodImdead!!" Here's hoping that keeps up or I shall write my last words here before drowning myself or something equally drastic.
Went to see Disturbed and Avenged Sevenfold on Tuesday with my dad and brother, who has returned from boot camp an official Private of the United States Army. Haelstorm opened and completely blew my ears out. Literally - they're still ringing two days later. But the concert has to be one of the best ones I've been to. First time I danced around, although I did not do the arm-waving and all that. Just kind of hopped around. Lots of energy, it was amazing! And got beer spilled on me, so had to wash my clothes at one in the morning. -_- My brother offered to do it, but I felt bad making him to my laundry, although I wasn't the one who dirtied it.
Also find myself in a sort-of-relationship. I say sort-of because we've agreed we like each other and want to see each other, but it's only been a few days so I'm tip-toeing. Just nervous, I don't want to screw anything up! So changed facebook status to 'in a relationship' because I could not think of an easier way to tell all my friends at the old campus - a rowdy bunch - I was dating one of their friends without inciting a huge scene. But, I don't want to pretend I'm not seeing him because that makes it look like I'm leading him on and that's just not right at all, since I do really like him. He's very nice, a little older than me with two kids from a previous marriage and you can tell he just loves them so much. We'll see how it goes, I'm keeping my hopes up instead of automatically thinking the worst. I want things to work! It sounds corny, but there just seems to be a connection I've never had with another guy, even my ex for two years.
Overall, I'm very happy. Stress at home, but I can leave whenever I want and hide at the campus, so it works out in the end. I have wonderful friends who are there for me, a great guy who wants to be with me, and things in my first semester of a university don't seem so intimidating. Life is finally settling in for me, I really want everything to work out. I don't think I've ever wished that so much in my life, usually I just tend to roll with the punches. This time, I'm actively hoping things go well, if that makes any sense. Not just, "Oh, I hope things go good." I'm literally trying to will it to happen! I think I deserve to be happy and everything is sort of happening at once, in a good way.
I realized I haven't posted in a while, partly due to stress and lack of time to actually sit down and write. But my first week is conquered and I hope to report on a second excellent week as the days go on!
I started classes at George Mason. Criminal Law, Criminal Ethics, English 300, and Juvenile Delinquency. I'm enjoying them and it's only the first week, so here's hoping that continues. Projects for all them, but nothing that made me go, "OhmygodImdead!!" Here's hoping that keeps up or I shall write my last words here before drowning myself or something equally drastic.
Went to see Disturbed and Avenged Sevenfold on Tuesday with my dad and brother, who has returned from boot camp an official Private of the United States Army. Haelstorm opened and completely blew my ears out. Literally - they're still ringing two days later. But the concert has to be one of the best ones I've been to. First time I danced around, although I did not do the arm-waving and all that. Just kind of hopped around. Lots of energy, it was amazing! And got beer spilled on me, so had to wash my clothes at one in the morning. -_- My brother offered to do it, but I felt bad making him to my laundry, although I wasn't the one who dirtied it.
Also find myself in a sort-of-relationship. I say sort-of because we've agreed we like each other and want to see each other, but it's only been a few days so I'm tip-toeing. Just nervous, I don't want to screw anything up! So changed facebook status to 'in a relationship' because I could not think of an easier way to tell all my friends at the old campus - a rowdy bunch - I was dating one of their friends without inciting a huge scene. But, I don't want to pretend I'm not seeing him because that makes it look like I'm leading him on and that's just not right at all, since I do really like him. He's very nice, a little older than me with two kids from a previous marriage and you can tell he just loves them so much. We'll see how it goes, I'm keeping my hopes up instead of automatically thinking the worst. I want things to work! It sounds corny, but there just seems to be a connection I've never had with another guy, even my ex for two years.
Overall, I'm very happy. Stress at home, but I can leave whenever I want and hide at the campus, so it works out in the end. I have wonderful friends who are there for me, a great guy who wants to be with me, and things in my first semester of a university don't seem so intimidating. Life is finally settling in for me, I really want everything to work out. I don't think I've ever wished that so much in my life, usually I just tend to roll with the punches. This time, I'm actively hoping things go well, if that makes any sense. Not just, "Oh, I hope things go good." I'm literally trying to will it to happen! I think I deserve to be happy and everything is sort of happening at once, in a good way.
I realized I haven't posted in a while, partly due to stress and lack of time to actually sit down and write. But my first week is conquered and I hope to report on a second excellent week as the days go on!
Continued Drabbles
Time
Time always to be slipping away.
I can never get it when I need more.
But when I'm pressed for it, it rushes past, slipping through my fingers like grains of sand.
The hourglass is my enemy,
and the watch is my foe.
They seem to conspire against me.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle.
When you're young and old, time seems to stand still.
When you're anything else, you always seem to need more.
I think God has a sense of humor, don't you?
He gives us time when we don't need it; when we do, it's already wasted.
So don't waste the time you've got left.
Get out and do something with it.
Remember that time, no matter how much you have, is a precious commodity.
One we can't afford to buy back.
Hands
The stars seem so far away,
or maybe it's because I'm so lost.
I can't seem to find my way.
I think I need a hand.
If someone would reach out to me
and throw me a lifeline,
I'd gladly take the chance they'd give me
and hold on for the ride.
I can never seem to find the words
that will express what I'm thinking.
Perhaps that's why they say I'm dumb,
or pretend they can't hear me.
I'd substitute your reality for my own,
but that doesn't seem to be working either.
Life can pass you by and so can dreams,
but maybe that's what makes life worth living.
Taking risks - disappointments,
to me it's all the same.
I don't want my heart broken,
but it's bound to be along the way.
When I need help, I'll make a choice,
to be all I can be.
Maybe someday someone will see me for who I am.
Until then, I'll just have to try and see myself for me.
Time always to be slipping away.
I can never get it when I need more.
But when I'm pressed for it, it rushes past, slipping through my fingers like grains of sand.
The hourglass is my enemy,
and the watch is my foe.
They seem to conspire against me.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle.
When you're young and old, time seems to stand still.
When you're anything else, you always seem to need more.
I think God has a sense of humor, don't you?
He gives us time when we don't need it; when we do, it's already wasted.
So don't waste the time you've got left.
Get out and do something with it.
Remember that time, no matter how much you have, is a precious commodity.
One we can't afford to buy back.
Hands
The stars seem so far away,
or maybe it's because I'm so lost.
I can't seem to find my way.
I think I need a hand.
If someone would reach out to me
and throw me a lifeline,
I'd gladly take the chance they'd give me
and hold on for the ride.
I can never seem to find the words
that will express what I'm thinking.
Perhaps that's why they say I'm dumb,
or pretend they can't hear me.
I'd substitute your reality for my own,
but that doesn't seem to be working either.
Life can pass you by and so can dreams,
but maybe that's what makes life worth living.
Taking risks - disappointments,
to me it's all the same.
I don't want my heart broken,
but it's bound to be along the way.
When I need help, I'll make a choice,
to be all I can be.
Maybe someday someone will see me for who I am.
Until then, I'll just have to try and see myself for me.
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