If not for the night weighing down on her, the forest would have been a haven of beauty amidst the chaos of the wars and cities. Instead, she wrapped her cloak around her tightly, tail twitching at every whisper of wind in the tree branches above her. Boarding on swampland, but lacking enough moisture to make the inhabitants miserable, the forest was overgrown with thick trees and dense undergrowth to block any path previously made. The light of the moon could barely push past the foliage overhead, leaving the earth captive to shadows and flickers of light. Where the shadows faded, a hint of color shone through, a promise of the beauty currently hidden.
There were no paths to follow, barely space to crawl between some of the trees. The kitsune huddled close to the mist beside her. She avoided the light diligently, the white of her brown-tipped tail and ears serving as a beacon to any predators. Her ears were kept pressed back against her head, hidden by the auburn of her hair, while the tail was kept concealed beneath the cloak. It was a mistake to come into the place at night, she knew, but it was the only time she had been able to get away. The mist beside her flickered between existence, occasionally taking its material form for the briefest of seconds. It served more as a comfort than an aid for the moment, keeping close to it's kitsune mistress.
It had to be here somewhere. She could sense it, every hair on her head on end. The problem was the forest. It was cloaking it, keeping it hidden from anyone looking. And there were many on the hunt. She had already encountered several other seekers, leaving them behind in a trail of blood.
Zprávy
My brother's been staying with us, on the second week now. It's been fun, having company while Wayne is at work. He pretty much just sits and goes on his game, so it's not like I'm having urges to kill him yet. He does dishes and cooks sometime too, so that's nice.
Wayne'll be gone all September, off to training. That'll suck pretty bad. Gotta love how he'll be away for Labor Day, which is normally when they get days off. Irony. Eric'll stay with me for a week or two in the midle of the month so I don't go completely nuts. And the car will be fixed by then, what needs to be replaced is easy for Wayne, so I'll be able to go places. I figure I'll order myself some books, since it's cheaper to use the website for Barnes and Nobles than get some of them in the store itself.
Not much else to go on about. I've lost all train of thought, so any randomness will have to wait until I lure it back with chocolate.
Wayne'll be gone all September, off to training. That'll suck pretty bad. Gotta love how he'll be away for Labor Day, which is normally when they get days off. Irony. Eric'll stay with me for a week or two in the midle of the month so I don't go completely nuts. And the car will be fixed by then, what needs to be replaced is easy for Wayne, so I'll be able to go places. I figure I'll order myself some books, since it's cheaper to use the website for Barnes and Nobles than get some of them in the store itself.
Not much else to go on about. I've lost all train of thought, so any randomness will have to wait until I lure it back with chocolate.
The Army...
...is as family-friendly as the KKK likes black people and gays.
I am completely and utterly disgusted with the Army, at least the people in the Army that I have the unfortunate experience of dealing with.
I was extremely sick on Monday, vomiting all day and unable to eat anything since Sunday night. My husband is still out in the field and asked to come home to take care of me. His commander informed him that he could if I went to the hospital. I have a phobia about hospitals and hoped to sleep it off, so I refused. His platoon sgt, who isn't in the field and in charge of him anyway at the moment, tried to bully me into going - I refused and he continued to act as if I was and he was taking me.
I woke up late Monday night even more sick and was losing vision in my right eye. After not being allowed to come home, my husband called an ambulance for me. I was in the emergency room - but apparently it wasn't en emergency, as his commander decided no, he couldn't go after all after specifically saying if I ended up in the hospital she'd give him leave to see me. Then he was told he could leave if the hospital requested him. I asked the doctor who explained the only way they could is if it was a red cross, a life-threatening emergency. No one had explained this to me or my husband. After spending five hours at the ER, and not having a ride home either, I was told someone from my husband's detachment was coming to get me.
It was the sgt whom I had previously fought with - who made me wait over an hour and a half in the ER waiting room before finally showing up. After dropping me off - without a word, after I thanked him - I was mad, not rude - he sent a text to my husband saying that they were going to have words when he returned.
Excuse me? About WHAT? My car not being operable? Even if it was, I was in no condition to drive myself to the ER at one in the morning, I couldn't see out of my right eye. I could barely walk.
If they had told my husband, right away, that he couldn't come see me unless it was a life-threatening emergency, both he and I would have understood and been able to plan around it. Finding someone else to take me back and forth, for one. As it stands, they tricked and misled my husband while I was in the emergency room, letting him think he'd be able to at least take me home before going, "Whoops, did we say that? Sucker!"
I've had to deal with Army bullshit before. They weren't going to allow my husband leave - after it had been accepted for over three months - for us to get married until a friend pulled some strings and got some people yelled at. Suddenly, his 'lost' paper reappeared like it had never been gone. My husband is the only one in his squad who hasn't been allowed to use his comp day - every time he requests it, they're too busy and can't spare him.
I understand the Army is full of crap and that nothing in life is fair. But this sort of mistreatment, misleading and completely unfeeling and uncaring amazed me. My husband works hard and enjoys his job, he likes fixing things. He's one of the last to leave and is willing to do the hard work. I could see if he was a slacker or troublemaker, even I'd get on his case. And I don't know anything about the Army, I've only been married three months. To trick and mislead him while I was in the hospital is just a low blow with no excuse for it. It was inexcusable and reprehensible behavior that's unfitting for a commander and sgt to engage in.
And I'm supposed to trust these people to do what's best for me and my husband? They showed very clearly last night that they could not care less - excuse me, they could care less, but they took the time to lie to him instead.
I am completely and utterly disgusted with the Army, at least the people in the Army that I have the unfortunate experience of dealing with.
I was extremely sick on Monday, vomiting all day and unable to eat anything since Sunday night. My husband is still out in the field and asked to come home to take care of me. His commander informed him that he could if I went to the hospital. I have a phobia about hospitals and hoped to sleep it off, so I refused. His platoon sgt, who isn't in the field and in charge of him anyway at the moment, tried to bully me into going - I refused and he continued to act as if I was and he was taking me.
I woke up late Monday night even more sick and was losing vision in my right eye. After not being allowed to come home, my husband called an ambulance for me. I was in the emergency room - but apparently it wasn't en emergency, as his commander decided no, he couldn't go after all after specifically saying if I ended up in the hospital she'd give him leave to see me. Then he was told he could leave if the hospital requested him. I asked the doctor who explained the only way they could is if it was a red cross, a life-threatening emergency. No one had explained this to me or my husband. After spending five hours at the ER, and not having a ride home either, I was told someone from my husband's detachment was coming to get me.
It was the sgt whom I had previously fought with - who made me wait over an hour and a half in the ER waiting room before finally showing up. After dropping me off - without a word, after I thanked him - I was mad, not rude - he sent a text to my husband saying that they were going to have words when he returned.
Excuse me? About WHAT? My car not being operable? Even if it was, I was in no condition to drive myself to the ER at one in the morning, I couldn't see out of my right eye. I could barely walk.
If they had told my husband, right away, that he couldn't come see me unless it was a life-threatening emergency, both he and I would have understood and been able to plan around it. Finding someone else to take me back and forth, for one. As it stands, they tricked and misled my husband while I was in the emergency room, letting him think he'd be able to at least take me home before going, "Whoops, did we say that? Sucker!"
I've had to deal with Army bullshit before. They weren't going to allow my husband leave - after it had been accepted for over three months - for us to get married until a friend pulled some strings and got some people yelled at. Suddenly, his 'lost' paper reappeared like it had never been gone. My husband is the only one in his squad who hasn't been allowed to use his comp day - every time he requests it, they're too busy and can't spare him.
I understand the Army is full of crap and that nothing in life is fair. But this sort of mistreatment, misleading and completely unfeeling and uncaring amazed me. My husband works hard and enjoys his job, he likes fixing things. He's one of the last to leave and is willing to do the hard work. I could see if he was a slacker or troublemaker, even I'd get on his case. And I don't know anything about the Army, I've only been married three months. To trick and mislead him while I was in the hospital is just a low blow with no excuse for it. It was inexcusable and reprehensible behavior that's unfitting for a commander and sgt to engage in.
And I'm supposed to trust these people to do what's best for me and my husband? They showed very clearly last night that they could not care less - excuse me, they could care less, but they took the time to lie to him instead.
Svoboda Projevu
My, my, what a busy life I've been leading since my last post. While I haven't been many places, I've been on the rampage mentally and emotionally the past month.
Where to start. I turn 22 on Sunday, Father's Day, and I have mixed feelings about it. My age? Not at all, I think it's a good point in my life and there's no reason to be ashamed of getting 'old'. I use the word relatively, since I don't think it's old and yet everyone is telling me I'm over the hill. Some seem to be serious, scarily enough. So what is wrong, you may ask? Well, it'll be the first birthday without my mom. I got a card in the mail from my dad, and from my brother, but there was nothing from mom. No note, no 'baby girl, I love you so much', nothing. And it didn't hit me until that moment that mom isn't here this year, I can't count on her making my birthday a big deal like she always did. I haven't cried and if I do, I probably need to. I'm also just feeling odd in general about it. It's my first birthday away from my family and I don't see the point in really bothering with it. Wayne seems to be enjoying himself, he's planning on taking me out to dinner - which I don't mind - but I always feel that my birthday is merely a burden to other people and I say not to bother.
I have a cat now. She's about a year, we called her Tempest. She's a Siamese and what I swear is calico mix with the strangest colors I've seen on a cat. I'll post pictures at the end of this post. She's a sweetheart - she loves to be picked up and cuddled, sleeps with us constantly and likes to chase my husband around the house. I can't wait until we get the two kittens from Wayne's coworker in August, they will really make the household livelier!
Ah, summer. I usually get morose this time of year anyway. I don't tan very well, so I end up rather pasty pale every year. I'd rather that than get skin cancer, but still. I'm hardly on the cutting edge of fashion or beauty as it is. I wear a size 14, I'm short and I don't tan. Summer-wise, I'm always on the out. I despise bathing suits and dresses, since I feel I look HUGE. My skin still breaks out - especially from stress - and with all the heat and humidity I can't do much to cover it up like I usually do. I feel out of sorts in this weather, my least attractive season.
Well, below are some pictures I just felt like sharing with anyone interested.
Where to start. I turn 22 on Sunday, Father's Day, and I have mixed feelings about it. My age? Not at all, I think it's a good point in my life and there's no reason to be ashamed of getting 'old'. I use the word relatively, since I don't think it's old and yet everyone is telling me I'm over the hill. Some seem to be serious, scarily enough. So what is wrong, you may ask? Well, it'll be the first birthday without my mom. I got a card in the mail from my dad, and from my brother, but there was nothing from mom. No note, no 'baby girl, I love you so much', nothing. And it didn't hit me until that moment that mom isn't here this year, I can't count on her making my birthday a big deal like she always did. I haven't cried and if I do, I probably need to. I'm also just feeling odd in general about it. It's my first birthday away from my family and I don't see the point in really bothering with it. Wayne seems to be enjoying himself, he's planning on taking me out to dinner - which I don't mind - but I always feel that my birthday is merely a burden to other people and I say not to bother.
I have a cat now. She's about a year, we called her Tempest. She's a Siamese and what I swear is calico mix with the strangest colors I've seen on a cat. I'll post pictures at the end of this post. She's a sweetheart - she loves to be picked up and cuddled, sleeps with us constantly and likes to chase my husband around the house. I can't wait until we get the two kittens from Wayne's coworker in August, they will really make the household livelier!
 |
| She sleeps behind my chair when I'm on the computer |
Ah, summer. I usually get morose this time of year anyway. I don't tan very well, so I end up rather pasty pale every year. I'd rather that than get skin cancer, but still. I'm hardly on the cutting edge of fashion or beauty as it is. I wear a size 14, I'm short and I don't tan. Summer-wise, I'm always on the out. I despise bathing suits and dresses, since I feel I look HUGE. My skin still breaks out - especially from stress - and with all the heat and humidity I can't do much to cover it up like I usually do. I feel out of sorts in this weather, my least attractive season.
Well, below are some pictures I just felt like sharing with anyone interested.
 |
| My husband, brother, myself and father at my wedding on April 22. |
 |
| My husband and I visiting Skyline Drive in May |
 |
| Our new baby, Tempest |
 |
| Big blue eyes |
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| She likes to play video games with Wayne |
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| She also has a raccoon tail |
Zamilovaný
What an insane month April has been.
My mom passed away on April 22, Good Friday, at 4:40 am. It was bittersweet, since she was suffering so much it was a relief for her to be at rest. And at the same time, it's my mommy and I'm really lost without her. A piece of my heart is gone and will never be filled.
I was married to my soulmate on April 25, also my late uncle's birthday. I'm moving into an apartment with him on the 20th of this month. It's ten minutes from Fort Bragg, where he's stationed as a mechanic in the Army, which is wonderful. It's exciting and frightening to be moving out, away from my dad and brother. We're only five hours away, which means they can visit a lot and vice versa. We even got a two-bedroom apartment so they can stay with us and visit. We're an hour from the beach, which is great for my dad.
My mom's viewing was on April 26. My dad's sister and mom came down, as well as his cousin, her husband and their daughter. I haven't seen any of them in years and it was a strange reunion. My best friend Anne came back from Seattle the week before, so she was here for my wedding and everything else that happened, which I'm so grateful for.
My mom's funeral was on April 27. I made it through okay, until they wheeled the casket out of the church. Then I started crying.
I don't think anything has really hit me yet. Everything has happened so fast I haven't had time to really sit and absorb any of it. I have my ups and downs - some moments I'm so happy and in love and excited about the future, and other moments I just want to cry and curl up under a rock. I can't decide and I'm not going to try. It's a natural part of everything, grieving and a major life change. My husband is a wonderful man whom I'm proud and lucky to be his wife and he's so patient with me when I need to cry or get moody.
Everything is a roller coaster. I think once I'm moved and I settle in and don't have anything else to focus on, then I'll hit the proverbial wall. Until then, I'm mostly running on nerves and adrenaline and god only knows what else some days.
My mom passed away on April 22, Good Friday, at 4:40 am. It was bittersweet, since she was suffering so much it was a relief for her to be at rest. And at the same time, it's my mommy and I'm really lost without her. A piece of my heart is gone and will never be filled.
I was married to my soulmate on April 25, also my late uncle's birthday. I'm moving into an apartment with him on the 20th of this month. It's ten minutes from Fort Bragg, where he's stationed as a mechanic in the Army, which is wonderful. It's exciting and frightening to be moving out, away from my dad and brother. We're only five hours away, which means they can visit a lot and vice versa. We even got a two-bedroom apartment so they can stay with us and visit. We're an hour from the beach, which is great for my dad.
My mom's viewing was on April 26. My dad's sister and mom came down, as well as his cousin, her husband and their daughter. I haven't seen any of them in years and it was a strange reunion. My best friend Anne came back from Seattle the week before, so she was here for my wedding and everything else that happened, which I'm so grateful for.
My mom's funeral was on April 27. I made it through okay, until they wheeled the casket out of the church. Then I started crying.
I don't think anything has really hit me yet. Everything has happened so fast I haven't had time to really sit and absorb any of it. I have my ups and downs - some moments I'm so happy and in love and excited about the future, and other moments I just want to cry and curl up under a rock. I can't decide and I'm not going to try. It's a natural part of everything, grieving and a major life change. My husband is a wonderful man whom I'm proud and lucky to be his wife and he's so patient with me when I need to cry or get moody.
Everything is a roller coaster. I think once I'm moved and I settle in and don't have anything else to focus on, then I'll hit the proverbial wall. Until then, I'm mostly running on nerves and adrenaline and god only knows what else some days.
Laskavost
I wonder if anyone ever uses google translate to figure out what I'm saying. Hrm...just thought of that.
What a freakin' month. Still doing pretty shitty, but thanks to a few friends giving me their numbers and letting me cry and mope to them when I need to, I'm feeling a little positive now. Mom stared chemo and reacted well to it, but now she's got some sort of infection so I'm sort of freaking out.
She's doing a little better this past week. Sleeping a whole lot, but she's gone out a few places and is a little more coherent lately. Which is nice, I'm learning quite a few recipes and shall soon be inundated with my male friends trying to get a free male, hah!
There isn't much going on, other than all the negative crap. Insurance won't pay for chemo or hospital bills - I don't even want to go into that mess. God almighty, you'd think we'd get a break!
But people in our parish, some of them, have been really kind and that's raising our spirits as well. A few women are making us meals on the days mom gets chemo, since we're all too emotionally exhausted to even care about eating then. And so many keep calling, wanting to come over to help with mom, spend time or to tell me that I can call them any time I need some help for anything. I'm actually surprised by their reaction and it's restored my faith in humanity slightly, since I can tell they're sincere in their words and actions.
What a freakin' month. Still doing pretty shitty, but thanks to a few friends giving me their numbers and letting me cry and mope to them when I need to, I'm feeling a little positive now. Mom stared chemo and reacted well to it, but now she's got some sort of infection so I'm sort of freaking out.
She's doing a little better this past week. Sleeping a whole lot, but she's gone out a few places and is a little more coherent lately. Which is nice, I'm learning quite a few recipes and shall soon be inundated with my male friends trying to get a free male, hah!
There isn't much going on, other than all the negative crap. Insurance won't pay for chemo or hospital bills - I don't even want to go into that mess. God almighty, you'd think we'd get a break!
But people in our parish, some of them, have been really kind and that's raising our spirits as well. A few women are making us meals on the days mom gets chemo, since we're all too emotionally exhausted to even care about eating then. And so many keep calling, wanting to come over to help with mom, spend time or to tell me that I can call them any time I need some help for anything. I'm actually surprised by their reaction and it's restored my faith in humanity slightly, since I can tell they're sincere in their words and actions.
V Posledním Tažení
My mom has pancreatic cancer. It's advanced fourth stage and aggressive. In three weeks, she went from being uncomfortable to being in such pain she's popping pain pills every hour and can barely stand getting out of the bed. She got a scan last week and we were told the results today.
Without treatment, my mom has six months to live at best. With chemo, who the hell knows, because no one knows if it's going to help until she tries it.
She decided that she's going to do chemotherapy and see if it helps.
I don't know what to do or how to feel. I hate, hate, HATE seeing my mom in constant pain, crying, and I can't do a damn thing about it. All I can do is hold her hand and tell her it's okay to cry. Who can blame her? I'm just numb and it really, really sucks.
Why does my mom have to die? Why can't it be a pedophile, a murderer, a rapist? Why does it have to be my mother - the woman who gave birth to me, who's raised me and who loves me, even if we've had a fucked-up relationship for years? It's not fair and I don't care if people say that life isn't fair. It isn't and I'm not ready to accept it.
I don't really have anyone to talk to. My best friend is in Seattle, Washington with her relatives. The girl I thought was my best friend decided she was more important than my mother and the issues I now have to deal with. And I haven't made myself many close friends, thanks to my intolerance and resistance to doing what people tell me. Do I regret my actions? No, I don't want fair-weather friends. I never have.
But I feel so lonely. My brother has his friends, my dad has people he can talk to. And I don't have a single person. There's a huge difference in talking to someone over the internet and having a good cry with a friend in person. I don't like to cry in front of people, but I don't even get that option. And it really hurts right now.
I know, I'm being selfish. But what can I do right now? I'm being strong for my mom - I dropped three out of four classes, and I'm only taking that one because she wants me to. I don't go anywhere, I don't go see anyone, because I stay at home to take care of my mom, the house, the animals, my dad, my brother. I don't have anyone asking me if I need help, if I need to just go somewhere and cry and not have to listen to trite words of "I'm sorry" or if they can do anything.
All I want is my mom. And I can't have her. And it's not fair. I'm twenty-one years old. She'll never see me graduate college, get married, have kids, move out - any of that stuff.
My heart is breaking. I feel like someone's ripped it out, gutted me and ground me into dust. And if it would keep my mom alive, I'd let them. Instead, all this suffering has no point. I get to watch my mom fade, get weaker and suffer even more - and for what? For NOTHING. Nothing. She'll die anyway and I won't have my mom. What's the point?
There is no point.
Without treatment, my mom has six months to live at best. With chemo, who the hell knows, because no one knows if it's going to help until she tries it.
She decided that she's going to do chemotherapy and see if it helps.
I don't know what to do or how to feel. I hate, hate, HATE seeing my mom in constant pain, crying, and I can't do a damn thing about it. All I can do is hold her hand and tell her it's okay to cry. Who can blame her? I'm just numb and it really, really sucks.
Why does my mom have to die? Why can't it be a pedophile, a murderer, a rapist? Why does it have to be my mother - the woman who gave birth to me, who's raised me and who loves me, even if we've had a fucked-up relationship for years? It's not fair and I don't care if people say that life isn't fair. It isn't and I'm not ready to accept it.
I don't really have anyone to talk to. My best friend is in Seattle, Washington with her relatives. The girl I thought was my best friend decided she was more important than my mother and the issues I now have to deal with. And I haven't made myself many close friends, thanks to my intolerance and resistance to doing what people tell me. Do I regret my actions? No, I don't want fair-weather friends. I never have.
But I feel so lonely. My brother has his friends, my dad has people he can talk to. And I don't have a single person. There's a huge difference in talking to someone over the internet and having a good cry with a friend in person. I don't like to cry in front of people, but I don't even get that option. And it really hurts right now.
I know, I'm being selfish. But what can I do right now? I'm being strong for my mom - I dropped three out of four classes, and I'm only taking that one because she wants me to. I don't go anywhere, I don't go see anyone, because I stay at home to take care of my mom, the house, the animals, my dad, my brother. I don't have anyone asking me if I need help, if I need to just go somewhere and cry and not have to listen to trite words of "I'm sorry" or if they can do anything.
All I want is my mom. And I can't have her. And it's not fair. I'm twenty-one years old. She'll never see me graduate college, get married, have kids, move out - any of that stuff.
My heart is breaking. I feel like someone's ripped it out, gutted me and ground me into dust. And if it would keep my mom alive, I'd let them. Instead, all this suffering has no point. I get to watch my mom fade, get weaker and suffer even more - and for what? For NOTHING. Nothing. She'll die anyway and I won't have my mom. What's the point?
There is no point.
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