My mom has pancreatic cancer. It's advanced fourth stage and aggressive. In three weeks, she went from being uncomfortable to being in such pain she's popping pain pills every hour and can barely stand getting out of the bed. She got a scan last week and we were told the results today.
Without treatment, my mom has six months to live at best. With chemo, who the hell knows, because no one knows if it's going to help until she tries it.
She decided that she's going to do chemotherapy and see if it helps.
I don't know what to do or how to feel. I hate, hate, HATE seeing my mom in constant pain, crying, and I can't do a damn thing about it. All I can do is hold her hand and tell her it's okay to cry. Who can blame her? I'm just numb and it really, really sucks.
Why does my mom have to die? Why can't it be a pedophile, a murderer, a rapist? Why does it have to be my mother - the woman who gave birth to me, who's raised me and who loves me, even if we've had a fucked-up relationship for years? It's not fair and I don't care if people say that life isn't fair. It isn't and I'm not ready to accept it.
I don't really have anyone to talk to. My best friend is in Seattle, Washington with her relatives. The girl I thought was my best friend decided she was more important than my mother and the issues I now have to deal with. And I haven't made myself many close friends, thanks to my intolerance and resistance to doing what people tell me. Do I regret my actions? No, I don't want fair-weather friends. I never have.
But I feel so lonely. My brother has his friends, my dad has people he can talk to. And I don't have a single person. There's a huge difference in talking to someone over the internet and having a good cry with a friend in person. I don't like to cry in front of people, but I don't even get that option. And it really hurts right now.
I know, I'm being selfish. But what can I do right now? I'm being strong for my mom - I dropped three out of four classes, and I'm only taking that one because she wants me to. I don't go anywhere, I don't go see anyone, because I stay at home to take care of my mom, the house, the animals, my dad, my brother. I don't have anyone asking me if I need help, if I need to just go somewhere and cry and not have to listen to trite words of "I'm sorry" or if they can do anything.
All I want is my mom. And I can't have her. And it's not fair. I'm twenty-one years old. She'll never see me graduate college, get married, have kids, move out - any of that stuff.
My heart is breaking. I feel like someone's ripped it out, gutted me and ground me into dust. And if it would keep my mom alive, I'd let them. Instead, all this suffering has no point. I get to watch my mom fade, get weaker and suffer even more - and for what? For NOTHING. Nothing. She'll die anyway and I won't have my mom. What's the point?
There is no point.
Tělo
Uzume was back in the recesses of her soul, allowing the mortal host her free will once more. Tělo had known what the reincarnated part of her soul was planning, was doing, but the goddess of dawn's power far surpassed her own untrained abilities and she had been content to let the goddess take care of the dirty work this time.
She stretched her wings to their full length, the cold air of the mortal realm passing over her skin like a cool breeze instead. Tělo had mastered her power over fire and was able to warm herself from the inside out in both physical and astral form, something her brother had been impressed about. She loved living in the mountains and took a deep breath, despite the fact her physical form was tucked away in bed, safe behind wards. She felt invincible in the night air, resting on the top of a bare tree miles above civilization.
"Enjoying the freedom?" Loki asked, appearing beside his sister, perched just as absently as she with arms crossed over a bent knee.
"What else?" she replied, her hawk-gold eyes glancing in his direction before returning to the stars above.
"Wondering which one is your mother again?" he guessed. Tělo shrugged briefly.
"I can't help but look at them and wonder why they sent me to a mortal body," she mused, reflecting on how different her life could have been had she been given the chance to reside in her true immortal form, rather than inhabit the mortal flesh her spirit had been guided to before conception.
Loki made a noncommittal noise. He claimed her mother's name was unknown even to him, Belial the only being in the universe to have that knowledge. And the fallen archangel refused to speak of her to his daughter, enjoying her demands and wheedling while they had lasted.
"The were?"
"He's fine as far as I know," she replied curtly, the blood tie an irritation at the best of times.
"And the demon?"
"He's fine too," she murmured, having been surprised the being she thought a fae had turned out to be of the demonic nature.
They fell silent and watched the stars brighten in silence, Tělo's wings providing the only unearthly light in the blackness underneath the sky. The falling snow melted on their skin, bothering them not at all. It was a rare, companionable silence for the two siblings. Family they may be, but Loki only cared about his sister as long as she served whatever purposes he had in mind. The feeling was returned by his winged sibling.
Neither had the capacity to truly love another being anymore. It had been lost in different ways for each, but lost nonetheless. Tělo was able to empathize and feel love on a shallow, superficial level. But she had realized she could never love anyone more than herself and while the revelation hurt - she would never have a truly giving love - she had settled the issue and decided to work with what she had. Which was precious little, but more than even some humans had these days.
She stretched her wings to their full length, the cold air of the mortal realm passing over her skin like a cool breeze instead. Tělo had mastered her power over fire and was able to warm herself from the inside out in both physical and astral form, something her brother had been impressed about. She loved living in the mountains and took a deep breath, despite the fact her physical form was tucked away in bed, safe behind wards. She felt invincible in the night air, resting on the top of a bare tree miles above civilization.
"Enjoying the freedom?" Loki asked, appearing beside his sister, perched just as absently as she with arms crossed over a bent knee.
"What else?" she replied, her hawk-gold eyes glancing in his direction before returning to the stars above.
"Wondering which one is your mother again?" he guessed. Tělo shrugged briefly.
"I can't help but look at them and wonder why they sent me to a mortal body," she mused, reflecting on how different her life could have been had she been given the chance to reside in her true immortal form, rather than inhabit the mortal flesh her spirit had been guided to before conception.
Loki made a noncommittal noise. He claimed her mother's name was unknown even to him, Belial the only being in the universe to have that knowledge. And the fallen archangel refused to speak of her to his daughter, enjoying her demands and wheedling while they had lasted.
"The were?"
"He's fine as far as I know," she replied curtly, the blood tie an irritation at the best of times.
"And the demon?"
"He's fine too," she murmured, having been surprised the being she thought a fae had turned out to be of the demonic nature.
They fell silent and watched the stars brighten in silence, Tělo's wings providing the only unearthly light in the blackness underneath the sky. The falling snow melted on their skin, bothering them not at all. It was a rare, companionable silence for the two siblings. Family they may be, but Loki only cared about his sister as long as she served whatever purposes he had in mind. The feeling was returned by his winged sibling.
Neither had the capacity to truly love another being anymore. It had been lost in different ways for each, but lost nonetheless. Tělo was able to empathize and feel love on a shallow, superficial level. But she had realized she could never love anyone more than herself and while the revelation hurt - she would never have a truly giving love - she had settled the issue and decided to work with what she had. Which was precious little, but more than even some humans had these days.
Hněv
Uzume stood on the edge of the cliff, her magnificent wings stretched out defiantly as she surveyed the valley below. She had been called from the depths of her reincarnation's subconscious mind to deal with the matter at hand. It had gone too far for the woman to handle on her own, even as powerful as she had grown.
"It is indeed fortunate that I was called into a body that isn't even human," the goddess of dawn thought, even while knowing fortune had little to do with it. "Spawn of a fallen archangel and Zodiac. The question remains whether she has inherited any of her father's demonic blood, or was the angel strong enough?" she mused, the question bothering everyone who know her host. Belial was a powerful demon, once a strong archangel, and the host had been conceived before the Fall, his Fall as well.
It was a concern, but the host's Zodiac blood seemed to overwhelm any tendencies the woman might have had towards her demonic nature. The host was becoming extremely adept at controlling her adaptability, a gift from the Zodiac mother - her latest achievement was controlling her body's metabolism to warm areas where she needed it most and direct her body heat consciously. She was also growing stronger, able to communicate with spirits on earth with thoughts rather than emotions and had to learn how to block them before she grew overwhelmed with the voices in her mind.
"You do know I'm only here because of her. I owe you nothing," Fukurokuju growled, wings tucked tightly against his wolf form as he surveyed her. He was accustomed to dealing with the host, not the dormant reincarnation tucked away inside her soul, and was on edge. The demonic werewolf half-breed and Uzume's host had a complicated relationship, one now established on a mutual desire for power, protection and the inability to rid themselves of the inadvertent bond between them. They avoided each other's physical forms as much as possible, but the ability to channel power to each other was an invaluable ability, especially lately.
"She would not have lasted so long without your power," Uzume replied calmly, her wings slowly folding and stretching to the sky. They were her host's wings - her host's body - and they had grown to accommodate the enormous amount of power she could now store in them. He acknowledged the thanks with a low growl.
"Now, now, children, behave," Loki scolded them, appearing on the other side of the pair and smirking, as he was wont to do. "We're here to take care of them, aren't we? So stop bickering, unless you want her to just fade away after you two are ripped apart. That means your bond will be destroyed as well," he reminded the demon-were, turning to glare at him.
The creature displayed impressive fangs. "Let them try."
"They have been," Uzume said shortly. The betraying angel, the succubus and the ignorant youkai - they were attempting to separate her soul from her host's. It would kill the host, send Uzume into the Realms lost, and destroy any and all bonds the physical body possessed. Her power would be gone, up for grabs for whomever was fast enough to find it. "Why do you think she's been pulling at you all week? She's afraid to go to sleep - they can pull her into astral projection easily if she's asleep, so she remains awake all night."
"I know that," Fukurokuju shot back. He cared nothing for the goddess and little for the host. But what little existed was strong and he was reluctant to have it ripped so carelessly from him. "What's the plan?"
"We're going to do what we should have done before," Loki interrupted, his smirk deepening into something much more sinister. Another winged figure appeared next to him - the gambling god who went by the name Sevens and many others, a powerful deity much older than Loki. "We're going to rip them to shreds. Binding their power wasn't enough - now, they die."
"Physically?"
"That's the best part," the newest member replied. "Their physical bodies will remain intact, their human minds stable. But they'll feel the pain, the loss and know exactly what kind of power we've ripped from them. They'll never be able to perform even the most basic ward."
"What has she said?" the demon-were demanded. The host had been bloodthirsty before, but had refused to actually kill these three up until now. Uzume shook her head.
"She has agreed. She wants her soul intact as much as I."
They turned back to the valley, where the betrayers held court in the fallen angel's castle. They had slipped into the realm easily enough thanks to Sevens' power and had surveyed the area. They spread their wings and dropped from the edge, prepared to leave a trail of blood and bodies to achieve their goal.
"It is indeed fortunate that I was called into a body that isn't even human," the goddess of dawn thought, even while knowing fortune had little to do with it. "Spawn of a fallen archangel and Zodiac. The question remains whether she has inherited any of her father's demonic blood, or was the angel strong enough?" she mused, the question bothering everyone who know her host. Belial was a powerful demon, once a strong archangel, and the host had been conceived before the Fall, his Fall as well.
It was a concern, but the host's Zodiac blood seemed to overwhelm any tendencies the woman might have had towards her demonic nature. The host was becoming extremely adept at controlling her adaptability, a gift from the Zodiac mother - her latest achievement was controlling her body's metabolism to warm areas where she needed it most and direct her body heat consciously. She was also growing stronger, able to communicate with spirits on earth with thoughts rather than emotions and had to learn how to block them before she grew overwhelmed with the voices in her mind.
"You do know I'm only here because of her. I owe you nothing," Fukurokuju growled, wings tucked tightly against his wolf form as he surveyed her. He was accustomed to dealing with the host, not the dormant reincarnation tucked away inside her soul, and was on edge. The demonic werewolf half-breed and Uzume's host had a complicated relationship, one now established on a mutual desire for power, protection and the inability to rid themselves of the inadvertent bond between them. They avoided each other's physical forms as much as possible, but the ability to channel power to each other was an invaluable ability, especially lately.
"She would not have lasted so long without your power," Uzume replied calmly, her wings slowly folding and stretching to the sky. They were her host's wings - her host's body - and they had grown to accommodate the enormous amount of power she could now store in them. He acknowledged the thanks with a low growl.
"Now, now, children, behave," Loki scolded them, appearing on the other side of the pair and smirking, as he was wont to do. "We're here to take care of them, aren't we? So stop bickering, unless you want her to just fade away after you two are ripped apart. That means your bond will be destroyed as well," he reminded the demon-were, turning to glare at him.
The creature displayed impressive fangs. "Let them try."
"They have been," Uzume said shortly. The betraying angel, the succubus and the ignorant youkai - they were attempting to separate her soul from her host's. It would kill the host, send Uzume into the Realms lost, and destroy any and all bonds the physical body possessed. Her power would be gone, up for grabs for whomever was fast enough to find it. "Why do you think she's been pulling at you all week? She's afraid to go to sleep - they can pull her into astral projection easily if she's asleep, so she remains awake all night."
"I know that," Fukurokuju shot back. He cared nothing for the goddess and little for the host. But what little existed was strong and he was reluctant to have it ripped so carelessly from him. "What's the plan?"
"We're going to do what we should have done before," Loki interrupted, his smirk deepening into something much more sinister. Another winged figure appeared next to him - the gambling god who went by the name Sevens and many others, a powerful deity much older than Loki. "We're going to rip them to shreds. Binding their power wasn't enough - now, they die."
"Physically?"
"That's the best part," the newest member replied. "Their physical bodies will remain intact, their human minds stable. But they'll feel the pain, the loss and know exactly what kind of power we've ripped from them. They'll never be able to perform even the most basic ward."
"What has she said?" the demon-were demanded. The host had been bloodthirsty before, but had refused to actually kill these three up until now. Uzume shook her head.
"She has agreed. She wants her soul intact as much as I."
They turned back to the valley, where the betrayers held court in the fallen angel's castle. They had slipped into the realm easily enough thanks to Sevens' power and had surveyed the area. They spread their wings and dropped from the edge, prepared to leave a trail of blood and bodies to achieve their goal.
Koneckonců
Wow, December 31, 2010. The end of another year and what a year it's been!
If I tried to list everything, good and bad, that's happened it would be far too long and I'd miss things anyway. But here's just a taste of how the ride's been:
- broken up with boyfriend of almost three years
- graduated LFCC with two degrees, one in general education and one in education
- started GMU and finished my first semester
- my best friend Noelle moved in with me
- my other best friend Anne moved away to Seattle
And many other things I either don't want to share or can't share - too private in any case.
Looking back on the year - I WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE FUCK IT WENT.
I lost it! It's gone and it doesn't feel like it should be over. What the hell?
Do I regret stuff? Of course I do, but I don't regret the time going by. I think a lot of good stuff happened this year, as well as a lot of bad stuff. I'm not sure if it managed to balance it all out in the end, but hopefully next year will be able to make some reparations.
Any New Years' resolutions? Heck no! For one thing, I never keep them. I guess the only thing you could say I'm resolved to do is survive. Keep going, try to keep my head above water and make it through another year without becoming too much of a horrible being.
If I tried to list everything, good and bad, that's happened it would be far too long and I'd miss things anyway. But here's just a taste of how the ride's been:
- broken up with boyfriend of almost three years
- graduated LFCC with two degrees, one in general education and one in education
- started GMU and finished my first semester
- my best friend Noelle moved in with me
- my other best friend Anne moved away to Seattle
And many other things I either don't want to share or can't share - too private in any case.
Looking back on the year - I WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE FUCK IT WENT.
I lost it! It's gone and it doesn't feel like it should be over. What the hell?
Do I regret stuff? Of course I do, but I don't regret the time going by. I think a lot of good stuff happened this year, as well as a lot of bad stuff. I'm not sure if it managed to balance it all out in the end, but hopefully next year will be able to make some reparations.
Any New Years' resolutions? Heck no! For one thing, I never keep them. I guess the only thing you could say I'm resolved to do is survive. Keep going, try to keep my head above water and make it through another year without becoming too much of a horrible being.
Blah, blah, blah....
No, this is not that godforsaken Ke$ha song. And you know how long it took me to figure out how to pronounce her name? I won't even go there.
No, instead this is just my random musings since I'm pretty bored and have no motivation to do anything productive whatsoever. This doesn't count, since it in no way furthers my ambitions to rule the world and then delegate pretty much everything anyway. Which is why I don't really plan on taking over the world - in reality, it'd be way too much responsibility and far too much effort for not a great amount of results.
Finished up my first semester at GMU with an A- and three Bs. Considering how stressed out I've been all freakin' semester, I'm inordinately pleased with those grades. I want to get As all next semester, as a matter of personal ethical pride, but I'm happy with these. I told my dad that if he wanted to motivate me to finish my degree instead of dropping out after this spring, he could start saving up for a trip to take me to California. NOT the beach! I want to see the redwood forests before they die off. They're already starting to, all the smog from LA and the surrounding cities gets caught in the atmosphere sink above the forests and kills the trees from all the chemicals. That's something I learned last spring in my biology class and I still remember almost everything I learned. Best biology class ever.
Wow, tangent alert!
Roleplay. It's a dirty word to most people who I know. To them, it means those scary people who get obsessed over internet identities - or worse, those people who dress up as their characters and actually act it out. Other than Broadway, I think it's called LARPing or something. I know nothing of it, other than what I've heard on the rumor mill. I roleplay (RP) with some friends over the internet - one has been going on for about three years now, actually, on and off as dictated by schoolwork and family.
Why do I like it? Well, for once, I'm a writer and I like RPing because it keeps my mind active and in practice. RPing with other people gives me new ideas and helps me develop better characters in response to another person's actions, rather than just me dictating everything. Plus, it's just fun to take out your moods on a character, making up the most ridiculous situations with no one to criticize, as we just do it for the fun of it.
I do know some people who are very serious about it and they scare me.
No, instead this is just my random musings since I'm pretty bored and have no motivation to do anything productive whatsoever. This doesn't count, since it in no way furthers my ambitions to rule the world and then delegate pretty much everything anyway. Which is why I don't really plan on taking over the world - in reality, it'd be way too much responsibility and far too much effort for not a great amount of results.
Finished up my first semester at GMU with an A- and three Bs. Considering how stressed out I've been all freakin' semester, I'm inordinately pleased with those grades. I want to get As all next semester, as a matter of personal ethical pride, but I'm happy with these. I told my dad that if he wanted to motivate me to finish my degree instead of dropping out after this spring, he could start saving up for a trip to take me to California. NOT the beach! I want to see the redwood forests before they die off. They're already starting to, all the smog from LA and the surrounding cities gets caught in the atmosphere sink above the forests and kills the trees from all the chemicals. That's something I learned last spring in my biology class and I still remember almost everything I learned. Best biology class ever.
Wow, tangent alert!
Roleplay. It's a dirty word to most people who I know. To them, it means those scary people who get obsessed over internet identities - or worse, those people who dress up as their characters and actually act it out. Other than Broadway, I think it's called LARPing or something. I know nothing of it, other than what I've heard on the rumor mill. I roleplay (RP) with some friends over the internet - one has been going on for about three years now, actually, on and off as dictated by schoolwork and family.
Why do I like it? Well, for once, I'm a writer and I like RPing because it keeps my mind active and in practice. RPing with other people gives me new ideas and helps me develop better characters in response to another person's actions, rather than just me dictating everything. Plus, it's just fun to take out your moods on a character, making up the most ridiculous situations with no one to criticize, as we just do it for the fun of it.
I do know some people who are very serious about it and they scare me.
Zamilovat se do Sebe
I'm in a bit of a musing mood tonight. Could be because I'm overtired, or it could be from the confusion in my own heart lately.
What is love?
It's an age-old question and I think everyone will have a different answer.
For me, it's simply loving me for me. Hah - I said 'simply' in correlation with 'love'! I think that might be the hardest thing to do, and yet, there are people who do exactly that. They accept me for me, all my flaws, insecurities and strangeness wrapped in one package. It may not be romantic love, but it's assuredly far more fulfilling than any kind of shallow love I've experienced up to now.
There are so many different kinds of love. Unselfish, selfish, one-sided, obsessive, shallow, romantic, platonic, filial, friends...the list could go on and I don't think I could name all of them. Note how I didn't include 'lust' in there, although I know quite a few people who say that's a form of love. No, it isn't. Lust and love are two different things, no matter what kind of love you're talking about.
How do you know when you're in love with someone? I wish I knew. I thought I was once and maybe I was. But in return for that trust, I got my heart ripped out and stomped on and even now I'm not sure if I can trust someone that much again. I want to, I'd like to - but I haven't met anyone I can. Maybe someone who was there for me before and is still here for me. But how do I know? It could just be transference or dependence, a desperate need for someone to be there for me unconditionally. I don't want that, that isn't fair. It could be a crush, or just reading far too much into an affection that's always been between us.
I want to believe it's love. I do. I even think, deep down, it might be. I feel different, even a new sort of feeling I never had with the other 'love'. It's new and confusing and vaguely frightening - did I mention I have control issues? It's scary, feeling something and not knowing why I am or what's causing it. I try not to fantasize, to build castles in the air.
Words of an eternal pessimist. I'd rather be constantly surprised than disappointed and it's a motto that's actually held me in good stead all these years. The only times I get excited over something, get my hopes up and put my heart into it, my life crumbles in front of me and I have nothing to pick up the pieces. So I'm scared, because I'm really excited about this. I'm feeling new and strange and happy - a word that hasn't been used to describe me in quite some time.
Am I setting myself up again? It almost feels like it. I want it so badly. Even if it isn't love, isn't meant to be - I don't want to be destroyed again. I'd rather just find out right quick and go back to usual, not invest myself and look forward to something and love something just to be abandoned again.
I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to run away, to just stop it now and pretend nothing ever happened. To not open myself up for another world of hurt and pain and loneliness that I feel will follow. And another part of me tells me that it's something new, something inherently right for me.
And I think that scares me even more.
What is love?
It's an age-old question and I think everyone will have a different answer.
For me, it's simply loving me for me. Hah - I said 'simply' in correlation with 'love'! I think that might be the hardest thing to do, and yet, there are people who do exactly that. They accept me for me, all my flaws, insecurities and strangeness wrapped in one package. It may not be romantic love, but it's assuredly far more fulfilling than any kind of shallow love I've experienced up to now.
There are so many different kinds of love. Unselfish, selfish, one-sided, obsessive, shallow, romantic, platonic, filial, friends...the list could go on and I don't think I could name all of them. Note how I didn't include 'lust' in there, although I know quite a few people who say that's a form of love. No, it isn't. Lust and love are two different things, no matter what kind of love you're talking about.
How do you know when you're in love with someone? I wish I knew. I thought I was once and maybe I was. But in return for that trust, I got my heart ripped out and stomped on and even now I'm not sure if I can trust someone that much again. I want to, I'd like to - but I haven't met anyone I can. Maybe someone who was there for me before and is still here for me. But how do I know? It could just be transference or dependence, a desperate need for someone to be there for me unconditionally. I don't want that, that isn't fair. It could be a crush, or just reading far too much into an affection that's always been between us.
I want to believe it's love. I do. I even think, deep down, it might be. I feel different, even a new sort of feeling I never had with the other 'love'. It's new and confusing and vaguely frightening - did I mention I have control issues? It's scary, feeling something and not knowing why I am or what's causing it. I try not to fantasize, to build castles in the air.
Words of an eternal pessimist. I'd rather be constantly surprised than disappointed and it's a motto that's actually held me in good stead all these years. The only times I get excited over something, get my hopes up and put my heart into it, my life crumbles in front of me and I have nothing to pick up the pieces. So I'm scared, because I'm really excited about this. I'm feeling new and strange and happy - a word that hasn't been used to describe me in quite some time.
Am I setting myself up again? It almost feels like it. I want it so badly. Even if it isn't love, isn't meant to be - I don't want to be destroyed again. I'd rather just find out right quick and go back to usual, not invest myself and look forward to something and love something just to be abandoned again.
I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to run away, to just stop it now and pretend nothing ever happened. To not open myself up for another world of hurt and pain and loneliness that I feel will follow. And another part of me tells me that it's something new, something inherently right for me.
And I think that scares me even more.
Drahoušek
Yes, she lives! Uzume rises from the ashes like the proverbial phoenix.
Wow. So much has happened to me since the last time I posted. I conquered midterms for GMU, as well as crushing depression that had me seriously considering just ending it - oh, screw putting it nicely. I was thinking about suicide, eating a lot of pills and just not waking up again.
Luckily, I had my friends and my dad to pull me from that abyss. It still lingers in the back of my mind, but not as a serious thought. More like an echo of the despair that's still deep inside me. It's not something I can just erase with one shot, but I am able to ignore the call of the easy way out.
I also think I might have found someone whom I can count on. I don't want to go into detail, just because it's something I don't want to jinx. It's someone I've known for over four years and there's always been something between us. He's always been there for me and a good friend. I recently got to talk to him over the phone, something we do frequently now, and I enjoy it. I'm confused, but it's in a good way. I've never felt quite like I am now and my friends tell me I'm acting "more like you". I didn't know I wasn't acting like me! But apparently I am now, I'm happier and just "more me" is all I can get out of them. They say it's hard to explain.
One of my two best friends is moving before Christmas to Seattle to live with her uncle and his family. I'm really sad about that, I'll miss her. But at the same time, I know it's something that's important for her and will help her, so I'm happy about it. And we can talk, Skype, and text, so at least I'll be able to contact her!
Finals are around the corner and another semester will be conquered. My friend is visiting from Florida in January over my break and I'm so excited about it! It's definitely something to look forward to with all this studying in my near future.
Well, I wish everyone luck for the holiday season, in case I don't post again for a while!
Wow. So much has happened to me since the last time I posted. I conquered midterms for GMU, as well as crushing depression that had me seriously considering just ending it - oh, screw putting it nicely. I was thinking about suicide, eating a lot of pills and just not waking up again.
Luckily, I had my friends and my dad to pull me from that abyss. It still lingers in the back of my mind, but not as a serious thought. More like an echo of the despair that's still deep inside me. It's not something I can just erase with one shot, but I am able to ignore the call of the easy way out.
I also think I might have found someone whom I can count on. I don't want to go into detail, just because it's something I don't want to jinx. It's someone I've known for over four years and there's always been something between us. He's always been there for me and a good friend. I recently got to talk to him over the phone, something we do frequently now, and I enjoy it. I'm confused, but it's in a good way. I've never felt quite like I am now and my friends tell me I'm acting "more like you". I didn't know I wasn't acting like me! But apparently I am now, I'm happier and just "more me" is all I can get out of them. They say it's hard to explain.
One of my two best friends is moving before Christmas to Seattle to live with her uncle and his family. I'm really sad about that, I'll miss her. But at the same time, I know it's something that's important for her and will help her, so I'm happy about it. And we can talk, Skype, and text, so at least I'll be able to contact her!
Finals are around the corner and another semester will be conquered. My friend is visiting from Florida in January over my break and I'm so excited about it! It's definitely something to look forward to with all this studying in my near future.
Well, I wish everyone luck for the holiday season, in case I don't post again for a while!
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